need help to cope with everything

[sherry]

Hi I'm new to this site seem to be having a bad day everyday. I have a grown son who has always seemed to get into trouble and I was there for him all the time. Tried to protect him anyway I could -money -help whatever I could do. I know now that was the wrong thing to do but his problems have just left me down and depressed. I live on a fixed income since my husband has retired and I cant give anymore. I have two other daughters that are great but my son wants more and more. Now I cant help him anymore. He has violated a court order for child support and could face time in jail. He has little money of his own and I cant help him. I watch as he is suffering from all the mistakes he makes but this has put me in a very bad every-day depression. I know it is my fault for not saying no to him years ago and now I am so depressed dont care about anything that I should cant sleep well have no patience for anything. I know its also affecting my health I can feel it and just dont know how to handle it. If I tell him to take care of things himself I dont want to hear about it anymore I know it will just make me more worried and depressed but on the otherhand if I let him cry to me all the time I dont know if I can take that either. I dont know what to do. Hurts to know he turned out this way and fear that I was the one who did this to him by giving and helping when he needed it. Any advice? do I block him from my life? I just feel I cant go on everyday like this. Advice someone please. [/b]

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( sherry )))))))))))))

Not good at giving advice, what I see is that you have done all that you possibly can do. He is a father now (child support) and this is something that only he can do.

You aren't turning your back on him, you aren't blocking him, you have simply ran out of resources and there isn't anything you can do about that.

Take care of yourself and keep the faith.

Warmie

[sherry]

Thank you for posting I agree with you I know I have done everything but I cant take the guilt of blaming myself for his actions. Breaks my heart and the worst part is he doesn't listen to reason because he thinks he knows better. How do I cope with that? Do I turn my back on him? I just don't know. Sherry

[Babyblue76]

Hi Sherry I am new here and just wanted to say I am sorry you are going thru this. I have no advice on this but just wanted to let you know I hope all gets better and will keep in you in my thoughts!

[sherry]

Thanks really dont know what to do it seems to depress me more and more each day want to help but cant-feel like I should do something but there's no way I can-very afraid for my son and I seem to cry all the time. Tired of feeling this way. Dont know how to handle it. I take it day by day. Thanks for caring. Sherry

[Emotional_77]

(((((((((((((( sherry )))))))))))))

Not good at giving advice, what I see is that you have done all that you possibly can do. He is a father now (child support) and this is something that only he can do.

You aren't turning your back on him, you aren't blocking him, you have simply ran out of resources and there isn't anything you can do about that.

Take care of yourself and keep the faith.

Warmie

I agree with Jeanie on this as well. I know your sad about all this but from what you wrote you seem to be doing everything you can do to help him and thats what matters the most. Its not the great feeling to know not all is working but there is really nothing else you can do but to try all you got.

[sherry]

Your right but how much of me do I give? I take the dis-respect on a everyday basis and then when he's in trouble he calls me. I have given him so much money over the years and now I find myself needing it. My husband retired last year and we live on diverdends from the money we saved for over 30 years. We gave Rob over the years at least $60,.000. We cant help any more. I see him get into trouble all the time and this time my back is against the wall. I find myself getting deeper and deeper into a deprression -cry everyday worry everyday and just cant seem to get out of this thinking all the time this must be my fault. But what did I do? Dont know. Took a wrong turn somewhere but just dont know how to handle it. My husband says enough is enough but if I turn my back I think I would worry more about what is happening to him. I told my husband to sell the house and lets move but I know theres no running away. Just wish I could do it all over again. Thanks for your input. Sherry

[Emotional_77]

you can only give so much. You got to remember you need to help yourself first and that once you do then you can help the others around you. It's tough cause its your son and you want to do so much for him but its his problems and you have done so much but it seems like its just not working. You can still help but dont put yourself in danger cause of it.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((( Sherry ))))))))))))))))) thought I would send a hug your way. Keeping good thoughts for you.

Warmie

[aim]

Hi Sherry. Sorry for the late reply, but I just started using these forums - I hope you are still around...

You can't give what you don't have, Sherry. I can understand that it is your instinct that makes you want to protect your son and help him in any and all ways. That said, I do also believe that he will keep depending on you to bail him out if you keep doing it. A person has to hit a rock bottom before they help themselves.

And Jeanie is right. He is now an adult with a child of his own - he should not be depending on his mom to get him out of trouble anymore. That's fine at 15 - not so much when you are a grown man with responsibilites.

Jeanie is also right that you are not abandoning him, Sherry. Sometimes tough love is the only way to help someone out. You will not be there forever, and it seems that it's time your son stood on his own two feet - even if that means facing jail time.

I know the last thing you want is your child that you love in prison, but what else can you do? My advice is to allow him to make his own mistakes, and be there for emotional support when ASKS for it.

And please don't blame yourself for your son's mistakes. We all have our own minds, Sherry. And you said yourself that your two daughters are doing well. The mother/son dynamic is very powerful and complicated, but I'm sure everything you've done for him is out of love.

Good luck to you, Sherry. And I hope to hear how you are very soon...

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Sherry ))))))))))))))))))

Hope we haven't lost you from here. Take care please.

Warmie