Never Ending

[Cathy]

Hi, my name is Cathy, just joined today.It's taking me a bit of an effort to work out what to say here and how to put my feelings into words. I suffer from PTSD and severe depression and anxiety. I have worked a lot with my psychologist over the past few years and I finally seem to be getting my anxiety under control. I am using the skills she taught me to keep it under control and each time I am able to cope a little bit better, hopefully one day it will be just about right. It's my depression that worries me the most. Like most people on here I feel very alone. The sadness has always been there under the surface. I can act and look so happy and even feel happy but I can always feel it deep own, ever since I was about 8 and I am now 51. But now it is always right near the surface. I act happy most of the time so as not to upset my 2 youngest children still at home, but I have accepted now that it will never go away. I know I do not have any sort of a future and I devote myself to making sure my 7 children do the best they can and don't end up like me. I never stop trying, but I don't believe I will ever be successful at anything especially getting better. I have overdosed before when I had anxiety, but I know that was just attention seeking. Now I just feel sad and hopeless. I really wish I wasn't here. I know I will keep going on for my children, but I no longer want to. All my life everything has gone wrong for me in big ways and that is no exageration. If I could tell you my life story you would understand. I just wish there was someone I could get to understand really how bad it is for me especially someone in my family.

[Cathy]

I'm having a bad time at the moment. The financial stresses are unbearable. The humiliation of having to borrow money off my neighbor just to get my kids to school. I am so tired of struggling, not just financially but with these feelings. Everyone keeps telling me I have to keep going for the sake of my kids which I know I will keep doing, but I have been doing this for 23 years and I can't see that as a reason anymore. I just want to scream "What about me! Why am I so unimportant!" but no-one wants to know. I'm so tired of struggling and feeling sad for so many years I just don't care anymore. To me I am just a being to take care of my kids. I don't feel like a person of any importance in my own rigtht and I don't believe anymore I ever will be. How much I wish I had never been born.

[Cathy]

I wish someone would talk to me.

[stillwaters]

Hello Cathy
I am lucky I guess in that I have an almost identical diagnosis as you but have only been really suffering for about 3 years now. I am a 55 year old male and know what it is like to act pleasant so as not to upset the applecart for everyone else. Meanwhile I am questionning my perception of reality and if it is worth while to try to continue when things seem hopeless and will never get better. The advantage of having taken therapy for me, and I still am and will be for some time, is that it helps me to recognise that it is irrational thinking. That recognition is one of the first steps to fighting back.
I dont know if you are on meds or not and I am not nesecarily promoting them but when my depression is at its worst, I cant think straight enough to use the lessons I learned in therapy without them. I think you should contact your dr or pschologist
I cannot guess what kind of life you have had but I can tell things for you now are bad and I am sorry for your suffering. These are not just words as I truly mean it. I dont think people including my Dr., my nurse/therapist, pschiatrist, my wife and my family and few friends I have left have any understanding of the pain and confusion. I really hope they never know personally how it feels. The depression does amplify bad thinking though and although we think others dont care, in many cases they do. We are just so engrossed in our negativity, we dont see it or see it wrong.
Many people here suffer with similar problems but I have found support here which makes me feel less alone and I hope you will to.
If you see that I am online, please feel free to pm me. You can also check out the chat rooms. If I am there it is usually in the lounge, but sometimes the depression room. There are a lot of people there that will be happy to talk to you and offer help.
Please take care

[Faithless]

Hi Cathy

I am sorry for what you are going through. I can relate very much to your feelings, and know what it's like to be alone, with a life full of nothing but pain.

I am not in a position to be offering advice, or even encouragement, but I hear you, and I understand.