STRESS RELIEVERS
Posted: Mon Jul 17, 2006 3:03 pm
Posted: Mon Apr 03, 2006 9:32 am
STRESS RELIEVERS
A Jewish woman is sitting at a bar. A man approached her and said, "Hi, honey, want a little company?"
"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"
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Q. Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A. So the English can understand them.
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Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly, "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clockin the morning. I can't break her of it.
Murphy: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
"Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
----------
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners:
"The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony.
Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony.
Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions."
" Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?"
STRESS RELIEVERS
A Jewish woman is sitting at a bar. A man approached her and said, "Hi, honey, want a little company?"
"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"
----------
Q. Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A. So the English can understand them.
----------
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
----------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
----------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly, "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
----------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
----------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
----------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
----------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clockin the morning. I can't break her of it.
Murphy: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
----------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.
"Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
----------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
----------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
----------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
----------
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners:
"The drink has killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony.
Smoking has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony.
Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed millions."
" Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it that kills the people who live right?"