Pregnancy Questions -- Ask the Guru
1. Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
2. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
3. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
4. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
5. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
6. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter than they are.
7. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational
A: So what’s your question?
8. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
9. Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
10. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
11. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
12. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
13. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy
14. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
15. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
16. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
