Postby shmuel » Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:48 pm
New cheese factory.
Did you hear about the new facility Kraft Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".
The car driver
Cyril was driving down Hendon Road when he gets pulled over by a policeman.
Walking up to Cyril's car, the policeman says, "I've come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles back."
Cyril replies, "Thank goodness, I thought I'd gone deaf."
The schmuck
Sadie tells Maurice, "You’re a schmuck! You always were a schmuck and you always will be a schmuck! You look, act and dress like a schmuck! You’ll be a schmuck until the day you die! And if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be the world’s second biggest schmuck!"
"Why only second place?" Maurice asks.
"Because you’re a schmuck!" Sadie screams.
Millie accompanied her husband Maurice to the doctor's office.
After he had given Maurice a full checkup, the doctor called Millie into his office, alone. He said, "Maurice is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, wake him up gently with a long and passionate kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favourite meals, lunch and dinner and allow him to fully relax after each. Don't burden him with any chores and don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Don’t argue with him, even if he criticises you or makes fun of you. Let him be as arrogant as he wants to be. Try to relax him in the evening by wearing see-through lingerie. Give him plenty of ‘full relief’ body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he can on the TV, even if it means missing your favourite programs. And most importantly, make full and passionate love with Maurice every evening after dinner and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do all of this, every day, for the next 6 months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."
On the way home, Maurice asks Millie: "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.