A Little at a Time (trigger)

[daffodilly]

okay, I don't really think this will be much at first. I would just like a place to write as I feel things come. I want to write about my past as well as the present and hope that by writing I will someday be able to make sense of it all. Who knows. Maybe it will never make sense.

As I've read other people's stories it amazes me how large the correlation between childhood trauma & abuse and adult depression. What is it about some people that makes them want to hurt a child. I just don't get it. And why can the abuser move on with their life when we are stuck in the battle forever?

I have no memory of being touched in any way other than abuse. Physical and sexual abuse tainted my earliest memories. Someday the stories will flow, but for now it is enough to say that it happened. My dreams are haunted and often intimacy with my husband is threatened by unexpected and unwanted flashbacks.

I used to think I wanted to die. But then I finally realized that I only want to live life peacefully. I am trying to do just that. I have a great doctor who is helping me on this journey. I deserve to live. And not in pain and fear.

[daffodilly]

I say that I have no memory of being touched in any way other than abuse, and that's not quite true. I do have one memory of my mother rocking me. Once.

I'm sure that from the outside looking in I had a really good life. Upper middle class family, educated parents, and really whatever I needed. I never went hungry and never did without.

But my father had anger issues and often took his frustrations out on me. My grandfather had other issues. I never told. Never. Until last week in therapy. There was a relief in telling that I didn't realize would come. But I am thankful for it.

Perhaps that early sexual abuse caused my behavior problems, which subsequently marked me for my father's volatile temper? I have never thought about it that way until this moment.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( daffodilly ))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for posting, for venting, for sharing. It isn't easy, to go back and remember things, but there comes a time, when we must.

Please know your post are being read and I am sending a warm hug your way, hope it helps.

I care, we care, know that. How strong you really are, I hope you see that.

Warmie

[daffodilly]

Actually Warmie, I really don't feel very strong right now. I don't know how I feel.

Often I find myself waiting for a clue from someone else as to how I should feel. Is that weird?

Right now I am packing, getting ready to leave my husband's family and head to mine. Last time I was there my step-father made a pass at me in front of my sister & children. My mother made him leave but he always manages to come back.

Right now my emotions are so confused. I am so excited to see my sister who is & always has been my closest friend. But there's a certain amount of trepidation as well. Just nervous I guess. I feel like i'm rambling.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( daffodilly ))))))))))))))))

Your inter strength will sneak up on you, when you least expect it. Just continue believing and take it one moment at a time if that is what is needed.

Make it a safe trip, keep space where needed. Seeing your family will be worth it, especially your sister.

You aren't rambling, you are expressing yourself, it does help to get it out and off the mind. Please know we are here, so you vent away! What it is all about.

((((((((((((((( daffodilly ))))))))))))))))) just an extra hug, to take with you.

Warmie

[daffodilly]

My vacation is over and I'm heading home. Glad to be going back to my house & bed.

The vacation was very good with no problems other than the normal "travel anxiety" that is normal for me. Cleaning out my grandparents was difficult and emotional, but not triggering like I expected.

My stepfather showed up drunk, as usual, but I was so proud of my mother who insisted on driving. He pretty much behaved himself and other than the occasional pleasantries required in basic conversation we didn't even interact.

So now I have no horror story to tell my therapist tomorrow I'm very thankful for that. And since I am so relieved at how things went, I wonder what we will talk about? I'm nervous about meeting with him... I don't want him to ruin my good feeling.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( daffodilly ))))))))))))))))))))

Glad you will be home soon, make it a safe trip. Let us know how things go tomorrow.

Warmie

[justin]

daffodilly because you went through tough times and made it out that is what makes you a stronger person. Never give up keep trying and fighting for a better life you deserve it.

[daffodilly]

thanks Warmie and Justin for the responses. I often wonder if anyone actually reads these, or if I'm just typing for my own benefit. And I HAVE benefitted from this. But it's nice to know that others care as well.

So therapy went well. I felt good, and that's such a relief. I suppose the meds are starting to work, they've had a month to build up so perhaps that's part of my good feelings? Also, having the trip behind me is a relief as well. There were none of the anticipated problems, and I feel silly for worrying so much about it. Then I remember THINGS and I know why I worried... and realize it was with good reason.

Therapy... started good. I was relaxed... or at least more than I have been able to be. So of course he felt it was time to do a little pushing. Great. I sorta expected that. But really I thought i could handle it. I thought i would be okay and able to answer whatever he threw at me. Right. I was so totally wrong.

He said I was ready to take the next 'step' which was to deal with 'the deep sense of shame that abuse survivors often face.' That statement went through me like a knife. I felt sick to my stomach and ready to leave. Shame is a difficult thing for me. I don't like the word, it makes me very uncomfortable. Makes me feel exposed and vulnerable.

Shame...
* causes people to hang their heads
* makes it hard to look people in the eye
* leaves me with a feeling of being unlovable, unreachable, and unworthy
* causes me to think that my thoughts, feelings, and concerns are less important than those of others

And I thought I was just a nice person. I'm often told that I am too nice. I tend to put everyone else ahead of me. But now I'm questioning if I'm really nice, or if I'm punishing myself because of that "sense of shame." Is that weird??

He said that shame would cause me to do those thingsl, but I didn't know. I don't necessarily feel shame, like if I got caught doing something bad, but I do feel unworthy. I have always felt that way.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( daffodilly ))))))))))))))

Through life, 'shame' is the one thing that can do the most damage. You fight it, you do all you can to erase that feeling from your life.

You are a good, caring and loving person, has nothing to do with shame. That is just YOU. What I see.

Warmie

[daffodilly]

It's been a while since I've written.

I have laid in bed and thought of all the things I need to say, but right now all I can think about is what a terrible person I am. I want to live. I want to see my children grow. I want to see my grandbabies. That's all I have to hold on to right now.

Why do I hurt people? Why do I do so many things wrong? I try so hard to do the right things, to say the right things, to be the good girl. I am such a failure. such a failure.

I had a really rough visit with my therapist last week. Oh... shame. such a scary word. I have fought for days to not SI. but I lay in bed and think about it. Dream about it. Want it. I can envision it in my mind. I am trying so hard to be good. To be what everyone thinks I should be.

makes me wonder who I really am. I have tried all my life to measure up, only I know I never will. Who am I? I'm surely not the person everyone sees. The person everyone thinks I am. I'm lost in myself. I'm locked away somewhere deep. And the fake phony person is out there being happy and smiling. But deep down i cry and hurt and want to hurt myself even more. I want to shave my head and be ugly. I want to scar my face so everyone can see the ugliness inside me.

I want this to go away. I want to run far away from myself. How can everyone else be okay? How can they be so happy? are they miserable too? Just hiding like me?

[justin]

Daffodilly i am so sorry that you are going through such a tough time right now i wont tell you that things will get better but i will share my thoughts with you. You are NOT a terrible person please dont tell yourself that and please try not to dwell on it! There are more things in life to live for you are just in a state that you are blind to them! You probably dont even notice the small things in life or are capable of seeing them right now know that if you choose to fight it and force yourself to look for more in life you might notice a small change maybe i hope. I am not around you but i do not believe you are out to hurt people and even so if you think you do it takes both parties to communicate to each other and share maybe hurt is not the proper word i could be totally wrong maybe you both have trouble understanding one another that might be what is really going on. If you tell yourself that your doing everything wrong how can you ever do anything right dont ruminate on the things you see as you failing but do so to the positive and focus on that instead atleast give it a shot. Try not to force yourself to be someone you are not to make yourself into someone you are not or you will not be able to be happy and that in my strong opinion will make things very much worse all i can say to you on that is i Forced myself to be a marine and it tore apart my being it was not something i was capable of and neather are you capable of being some fake good girl that you intend to try and force yourself to be. Im sorry but i dont think you are a failure at all stop that! you can express what you think but dont think that is what you are you know deep down you are better then that as do i as i believe i can sense it whenever i speak with you in chat. You are alive! how can you fail at living. The visit with your therapist is in the past guess what i never have a good visit with mine he just sits and nods at me! focus on future visits and what you can do and say in order to better yourself and your condition. You are who you are there is no standard you need to force yourself to measure up to thinking that there is will just cause you more grief do you really want that be happy with who you are and what you have done you are your own worst enemy. It is very normal to cry use it let yourself fully experience the emotions it brings to you DEAL with them as you let it all out accept them as the memories flash before you try not to let the negative consume you but accept them as yours and embrace them please. I to am lost in myself but i dont think i will ever get that back day by day i have to create a new me one that is capable of coping with my problems not one that berries them. No matter what you do it will never change the fact that you are a wonderful and beautiful person on the inside it does not matter how you think you look and what you possibly and should not do will never change that. I dont think anyone wishes to be the way they are and suffer from what life has given them running away from yourself is unfortunately not an option you have to learn to live with who you are and if you dont like it your only option is to change and only you can make that choice to change for the positive. Everyone else is not ok i am not ok i might never be ok others are not always happy i am not capable of being happy not for many years now since iraq i have to come to terms with possibly never being happy ever again and living with it. Honestly yes right now and for a long time i have been miserable it is no way to exist i know many others are as well and many are not it depends on the person no one person is the same however i for one am no longer going to hide i refuse im going to face my problems head on and attempt to face my fears slowly and cautiously i may try and fail then fall down but i will get back up i wont give up i will keep fighting even when i think my only option left is suicide and my right hand is pushing the knife in i will force it away with the left! sorry for the long rant i dont think any of what i say is helpful but i hope by speaking my mind it helps in some kind of way im sorry that you are struggling and know that i hope you dont have to hurt yourself i also deal with self harm my therapist made things worse by telling me it was ok to keep doing it as if my mind was not distorted enough as is. Please dont hurt yourself but if you have to do take care of it quickly know that there are many crisis lines who can help and many people in the chat room to talk to for support. Ive heard using an icecube or a rubberband can help? good luck to you i wish you the best.

[Monty]

I too, have always beaten the cr#p out of myself.

People say that I am nice person and such but I know that it isn't true. Deep inside I feel that I am truly evil, and that eventually all the people around me will find it out.

If I think about it rationally I realize that, you are not the bad person that you think that you are, and probably I am not either.

I have trouble with my therapist. I know that it is his job to challenge me, but sometimes the last thing that I need is to be challenge, what I need is someone to just listen to me. And I mean really listen to me, not to be thinking about the next thing that they are going to say. A lot of the time it looks like I am just boring him.

I think for me I find it difficult to relate to a male therapist. The other ones that I have had, were women. I think that I am less scared sharing with a female.

Can't figure out why I am not good enough either.
I do know that it helps me to come to this site and vent.
The people are very kind and I am very appreciative of it.
Turn the editor off in your brain and just type.

Please take good care of yourself.

[Obayan]

I know how you feel. I always think about what a screw up i am too. Never do anything right. But then i have to stop and remind myself that it isn't true. It's just my perception from deep inside this pain. Sometimes that helps me to cope.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((( All ))))))))))))))))

Isn't it great we have each other, and that we care!

Warmie