Turning into a zombie?

[colio]

I just realized how impossible it is trying to be a responsible person. And of course, trying to be a good son ... but it's just too hard that you feel like throwing everything away and begin life anew somewhere.

I'm from an average family which could not afford college fees but I have a relative whom had helped me bear all my living expenses during my college years while I studied under a hefty loan. Thanks to her, I am who I am today, an above average tier engineer that earns quite a decent salary range.

Recently, my family met a financial problem and there she is there lending a hand monetarily. I know that my parents will not be able to repay what she'd done for my family and therefore here I am to be nice, helpful and do what I can to help her in whatever request she has.

Things doesn't always as good as it seems. She has a tendency to instill feelings that my family is indebted to her and how ungrateful we were to her when she made certain request which were unable to fulfill by my parents ( I could've fulfilled it but it is not me to do it and I think my parents are irreasonable to reject such request ). I couldn't help it but to take the blame because they're my parents. Due to this reason, the slightest mistake done would've resulted a constant criticism by her and all I could do is to take it in.

The depression has been building up for years now and I need to let go or find help. There has been constant complain on both side from my parents and my relative and i'm taking in all. As a result, I cannot concentrate on my work, been slacking off, unable to sleep well practically every night and i changed job and state. Today, I was told again and my mind was about to blow and told her off but I kept my cool.

These days, I realized that I actually hated myself and felt no love from anyone at all. No affection to others and cold to everyone because they don't deserve to have a depressing friend who might just spoil their day.

I'd also realized that my feeling of pain had decreased tremendously perhaps due to long duration depression that suppresses my feeling? Thanks to that, I don't feel the pain when my arm got dislocated the other day. I guess I'm turning into a zombie.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( colio )))))))))))))))))

I won't say all my thoughts, wouldn't be right for I am not in your situation, you are.

All I will say is I see a caring person in you, one that is trying so hard to provide, to step up and help, take blame that isn't yours. It is family and we do all we can.

When a person helps another, no matter monetary gift or just what they can, we thank them the best we can, and remember this as we continue in our lives. Doesn't mean we are indebted to them for life and that we should live our lives around them. Just saying this for this is something I have dealt with.

Besides, a helping hand, a favor is just that. Those giving that shouldn't expect payment in return. I don't.

How to solve the situation, I don't know but I am sure with the determination I have read from you, that you will find the answer. Just remember yourself.

Warmie

[colio]

Thanks for the warm words. Dreadful dreams such as people dying is normal to me and I kept seeing them. I fear I might one day lose my mind and harm someone dear to me.

I'd also had some trouble breathing recently and I once thought that if heart attack would've strike, I'd let myself go which would be better than losing my sanity.

[Obayan]

colio, it's such a shame to lose a good person (and you are). There are so few of them in the world as it is. Please seek some help from a counselor.

((( huggs )))