Depression Understood Forums

It started when i was very young my fathers abusing me the first thing i can think of but don't
recall is when he tossed me on my head when i was crying i still have the scar on my head.
Our father used the bible and scriptures just to control and abuse us
one saying my mom reminded me of was spare the staff spoil the child and he also isolated and controlled my mom along with us abusing the lords name i blocked all of that out and all the yelling so i don't remember much but i know its inside me buried
I lived in constant fear of beatings anything i did wrong i was beat or yelled at normally with
fresh branches broken from a tree to make a twitch he knew how to do it hard enough to leave welts but not scar us it only got worse when my brothers and sister where born.
I remember one time he took both me and my brother into our room and took a wire hanger had us get completely naked and beat us with it i blocked out the beating but i remember him preparing for it just writing about it makes me hurt so bad inside even though i am empty and cant honestly feel much inside. when i was 6 years old my mom was back together with him for one final try when he attempted to kill her by choking her to death i witnessed it but my mom told me to go i knew i could not do anything to help her and that i had to go over the plan she made with me to get the kids and myself out of the house and next door.
I remember being completely helpless and unable to stop what happened but i did what i could by saving the rest of the kids from his grasp that night and getting our neighbors to call 911
before the police arrived he was messing around with the lights trying to trick us back into the house
he would turn them off and sit inside then turn them off and sit out by the train tracks my mom
seen him and told us.

After that i thought i was safe from harm but shortly after when we moved to Sacramento my mother got a boyfriend who was also abusive but did it behind her back mostly but he did not put us through the same amount of abuse he just kicked punched and yelled at us but i was again afraid of getting in trouble every day.

When i was around 13 i got out of that and right when i thought i was safe i was molested wile i was at my girlfriends house by a friend of her family after watching movies with her brothers and her he picked me up and carried me to her room put me on her bed pulled my pants down and began to orally molest me i completely shut down and could not fight back all my emotions shut off and i became empty and blank i could not no matter how much i tried force myself to do anything i just shut down. The next day i did not tell anyone i was to ashamed and afraid and he ended up needing to drive me home i was 13 or 14 at the time i don't remember. Once in the truck he began talking about what he did trying to soothe me and tell me it was ok and that he knew i was awake. He took the long way home and continued to talk again i shut down i blocked most of it out and i got very ill i almost wanted to throw up but i could tell that he wanted it to happen again. I still don't drive and have not even wanted to or tried to after that event. After that not allot happened besides some drama between my girlfriend and i at the time we broke up i got depressed then we got back together and i had already decided to join the marine corps that's when everything began to go downhill but i did not even realize it then i only thought that i was becoming a man.

The first thing i did was start to block out all of the yelling that's how i so easily made it through i just blocked it all out and struggled through but there where a few events in recruit training that in a way re-traumatized me i don't know what order they happened in only that they did occur.
the first thing that i always think of is when we practiced choke holds blood chokes a recruit was practicing on me i don't recall who it was but he would not let go and he choked me out i thought i was going to die and after taping out over and over i just blacked out and later woke up on the floor. Another time i bealeve i turned one of my drill instructors into the man who molested me or maybe all of them i always thought of myself as the victim but when he had us in the showers he turned the water on very hot and began spraying us down with cold water from a water hose and had this odd grin on his face that made me sick wile he watched us dance around naked i don't know if he was yelling at us wile he did it or not if he was its all blocked out.
Another time the same drill instructor had us all get naked throw all our clothes into the middle of the room and mix them up then go back to our racks and stand at the position of attention completely naked in the cold and turn out the lights again he had the same look on him again reminding me of the man who molested me i felt sick and violated but this time he got caught we got yelled at to put our clothes back on by our senior drill instructor and never let him see us like that again then he took him into the drill instructor hut and yelled at the one who did that to us.

I made it to Okinawa japan without remembering anything else that bothered me i was newly married to my girlfriend i had known since i was about 13 and i was in hi spirits this is the last time i remember being truly happy about everything in my life i remember walking outside at my new duty station Camp Schwab in my beach side barracks on a Saturday and it was a great day and i was happy to be a marine alive married and in japan where i wanted to go.
Shortly after things got worse, other marines my peers began to single me out
for whatever reason i became the victim again.
One Friday after work i was still in my camies with my undershirt on boots and trousers when 3-4 marines rushed in my room held me down and began to duct tape me up to a chair without warning after they had me secured to a chair they pulled me up to the TV pulled my trousers down turned ----- on then left me alone wile they got drunk. This again re-traumatized me and reminded me of how helpless i was when i was molested i shut down again did not know what they planed to do with me later they came back and decided to try and take me out to town
and picked the chair up and carried me into the hall like a trophy and down the hall but the marine on duty told them to stop and let me go. I was always afraid of being f***** with after that constantly kept my door locked after working hours not letting or trying not to let drunk marines in my room and playing loud music sometimes not sleeping.
Another time i was doing my laundry putting it in the dryer when i seen some marines going room to room trying to screw with people i promptly went to my room and locked my door they then started pounding on my door i just turned music on and ignored them later the duty came up and had found my clothes on the bottom deck i was on the 3rd floor they had taken my clothes and threw them out the 3rd story laundry room window and stolen about a pair of my clothes. But i did not see who did it and was to afraid to say anything anyways.
Later on i had to deal with my wife having cancer wile she was also pregnant with our child
Only to find out i could not go home to support her because i had joined a marine expeditionary unit and had to focus on training instead. In the middle of training some of the toughest training i have done i was doing a helo dunk where they put you in a helicopter frame buckle you in put you under water spin the craft around and you have to then escape properly.
we had just finished with training she had told me to call her that morning so i called her during my lunch break. She then told me the baby was not mine and wanted a divorce hung up and would not answer my call backs this was about a month before the baby was supposed to be born i forget but it broke me and i then had to go to formation and they again would not allow me to go home.

About a year later i finally made it home to get my divorce and made it to my new unit on
Camp Pendleton California. But again i was singled out for no real reason every time i made it out of something i got right back into it. This time instead of after work hazing they decided to try and prevent me from picking up corporal because they did not think i deserved it.
They kept me from shooting on the range changed my Physical fitness test score and even let my unit kick me out of the barracks and out into town even though i had no car or license and was forced to live about a 30 minute drive from work instead of a 2 minute walk just because my divorce had not been finalized yet.

Well after that we went to Iraq and i had my current girlfriend to support me by sending me moto mail a form of letter every day along with some handwritten letters and gifts she is very supportive and even though i cant feel love for her i did then and i know i still love her very much.
Eather way in Iraq they still did not like me and despite there best efforts i picked up corporal anyways, but i screwed up and let some other squad get away with goofing off on one of our work sites and the trouble fell on me so they finally had something real to chew me out for i blocked most of it out but the thing that i will always remember are 2 things i don't deserve to be a marine and i don't deserve my rank. I don't know if they really said that or not but i know that's what they meant and it rings with me to this day after that everything that made me who i am was put into question but i managed to survive that wile i was in Iraq i held myself together

After that we went on a mission to build reinforcements some place and we ended up getting shot at one night and i remember thinking this is it i am going to die now but i didn't but i still see myself getting shot at and try to relive it against my will to this day no matter how hard i try it is always there to haunt me. I remember how helpless i was to stop it and how they would not even let us shoot back.

We then started another mission roadway repair. We went out and repaired the road mostly where IED's had struck other vehicles. I remember how freaked out i was every convey about being hit by an IED since we where going out to repair the holes they made! to top that off we worked at night under spotlights and i was the crew that worked the jackhammer rock drill shovels and such i was constantly thinking man i am going to get blown up every time i sank the jackhammer or rock drill even shoveling the debris out of the holes! i get flashbacks of just jack hammering even or i try to just reconnect with my thoughts and feelings.

After that we made it back home but everything that i was everything that made me a marine a man a boyfriend it was all gone. I was an empty shell i no longer knew why i was a marine anymore or why i served i did not know my purpose i no longer had any feelings i was empty and no longer could enjoy anything. I forced myself to bealeve i was ok and just needed a break from it all but i was not and i went into complete isolation once i returned home to my family.

I have now been isolated for 4 years but seeking treatment for 1 year in that year i have been hospitalized 3 times to the er 4 times escorted by the police once by ambulance once i no longer want to live and struggle with that every day now i just wish i was dead and that it would all stop i have almost no emotions but some are coming back only negative ones like immense emotional pain sadness and guilt but at the same time i am so empty and feel dead inside. I struggle every night in pain and call crisis lines almost on a day to day basis when i am not hospitalized now and i take my meds along with the therapy they provide but nothing helps i am so depressed i don't want to get out of bed shower or eat or even keep my eyes open anymore. Now i am trying to reach out by making videos on you-tube and telling about myself id like to try and help others reach out like i have that have suffered from depression or ptsd or any mental illness my profile name is karack23 on you-tube feel free to have a look but its basically the same thing as i have said here probably less detail but you can put a face to the name is all.

thank you for listening to my story or responding any support is welcome or someone just reaching out or saying they can relate.

Hello Justin. I'm a veteran with ptsd as well. We come from a very similar background too. My heart goes out to you. In reading your story a lot of my past came to mind. I have been where you are. Let me tell you this.... it doesn't have to be this way. You are the one in control. You make the decisions. I have seen you in the chat room. You are a strong man with a good heart. I am proud to call you my friend.

I saw this and I wondered.... Were you able to get out of the marines?

Perhaps a change of occupation would help?

One thing I wonder about also is: Maybe some more self-defense training (more of hand to hand) would help? ?? I don't really know how much you did of that, but perhaps, it might help? (1. Aiding in ending the cycle of victimization, 2. Discipline/Imparting more structure, maybe even concentration just to help with the day-to-day stuff)

Those are just some of my thoughts.... I'm not sure if they are particularly helpful....

Personally, I think you made a good start, expressing what has been with you all this time (what you could remember).

It will take some work, but I believe your life is salvageable. Don't give up hope.... I really think it can all be turned around at some point.

I keep seeing myself getting blown up or shot at sometimes at the same time.
I see them in slow motion and instantly at the same time, and am forced to reply the event in my head over and over.
The torment is never ending when it sometimes lets up i see myself getting molested by the large man with glasses, i don't remember his name just exactly how he did it to me. I even still have nightmares about the man who did it,
and my father striping then beating me and my brother with a wire hanger even though the medication makes me forget or not have the military nightmares.
Now i have flashbacks i am getting better right that is what they keep saying. Instead i just want to die and want the emptiness pain, sadness and grief to go away every single hour of every day.
I call the crisis lines when i am not doing well but they can not help me. The staff can only try to call 911 on me tell me i need to go to the hospital or tell my family to take me to the hospital or try and fail to calm me down so i lie and say i am calmer even though i am not.
The VA Mather hospital here in Sacramento wont help me ether they tell me when i got there that the VA might not pay for my stays because i am not service connected. So its like a slap on the hand for trying to get help when i need it.
They take more care of people with addictions then they do of people with a mental illness from what i can tell anyways. The doctors just push me out like a peace of meat. The only suggestion the staff could give me was to go to a board and care home and spend all the pension i make on it as if that would help me not want to die and prevent the flashbacks and suddenly make me all better.
Wait i was wrong they also suggested that i move my computer to the living room because getting out of my room will some how help "eye roll".
I am tired of fighting for service connected compensation when i know i am going to be denied because i never showed any symptoms wile i was in the military.
I only told a doctor once that i had trouble sleeping wile i was in Iraq and after i also said that i was having trouble yelling at my girlfriend and family.

((( justin )))

((((((((((((( Justin ))))))))))))))))

Thank you for sharing. I truly hope by sharing, this has released some tension/pressure off of you, at least a little.

Please continue sharing and you will receive support from people that truly care and have lived so much of the same as you have.

Welcome....

Warmie

((((((Justin))))))

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you have been hurt so badly so often. I wish there were magic words that would take away the pain. I keep looking for those words, hoping someone will speak them to me one day too.

I have no advice. I just wanted you to know that you are not completely alone. That always seems to help me, even though the people who know me best are in cyberspace. Just knowing that someone cares an make a difference. And we do care about you Justin. I care. I want you to know that.

(((((Justin)))) don't give up. Please.

((((((Justin))))))

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you have been hurt so badly so often. I wish there were magic words that would take away the pain. I keep looking for those words, hoping someone will speak them to me one day too.

I have no advice. I just wanted you to know that you are not completely alone. That always seems to help me, even though the people who know me best are in cyberspace. Just knowing that someone cares an make a difference. And we do care about you Justin. I care. I want you to know that.

(((((Justin)))) don't give up. Please.

thanks for everyone's reply and hugs. I don't believe that i will be getting better anytime soon but i think i will be going through the recovery process for the rest of my life. Things are a real struggle for me right now i want to die every single minute of every day the doctors tell me its chronic.
At the same time i am experiencing the new emotions to me pain sadness and grief i am not sure what exactly triggered it but i think it was the therapy that brought these emotions out. Before all i felt was emptiness and i was being consumed by just that but now my emptiness is surrounded by this great pain that just keeps welling up inside me. The emotions and emptiness are so great i constantly almost cry but i wont let me yet so instead i start to cut myself or self injure myself when i am in the hospital and nothing else is available. I really want to get better and improve but at the same time i do not ever want to get better and i just want to fade away and or die. Right now i think the only answer and relief of my pain and suffering is to hurt myself or end it all so i constantly end up on a crisis line reaching out for much needed help that i am getting but not feeling like i am.

Justin, I'm so sorry for how hard things are for you right now. I hope you can hang in there and keep fighting.

((( huggs )))

Every night is the same i remember getting shot at i wish i was blown up instead of the other vehicle when i was in iraq. I want to die every day all day long it always gets worse at night i just want to end it all i am tired of the emotional pain of being so empty it hurts so bad i cant take it anymore.
I am tired of dealing with it every single day never getting any relief, there is no way out. I know i am going to need to deal with this for the rest of my life but no one thinks i will and everyone thinks ill get better.
Am so tired of making my girlfriend cry nightly when i tell her its not her fault and that i feel myself fading away little by little.
I don't know how to stop i cant control myself the impulses are just to strong for me.
When i went to the ER yesterday she basically convinced me i was fine and didn't want to die when i did and convinced me that they could not help me making me even more hopeless to minimize me she even told me all i had to do to get better was work out and get a job as if i can do that right now. when i call the crisis line they tell me just to go to the ER.
It's an endless circle for me i am so lost in it all.
Thank you for listening to me rant and any help or support you can offer.

So i added a reply to to Veterans benefits support after they posted on there wall on facebook
" The statistical results for determinations by the BVA for 2009 were as follows: 24% were approved, 36.1% were denied, 2.6% were other and 37.3% were remanded. So more than anything else they determined that they COULDN'T make a determination. Therefore the appeals were sent back to the RO for more work and further eval...uation. The moral of the story boys & girls? MAKE SURE THEY DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME!"

i replied saying
" I have a feeling i am going to be denied fast for my ptsd and depression considering i denied anything was wrong with me until 3 years later i am soon to be scheduled for my compensation apointment".

she actually replied to me and said!
"First off Justin, honestly your story is one that is far to common. Not seeking help from the very beginning makes it an uphill battle when your ready to come forward. It can be won though your just going to have to go through a bunch of junk first. Nailing your C&P exam will help you out trmendously though. You need to realize that the C&P doctor is the one trying to deny your claims so BE AWARE!!

I do not know what to do now for my compensation apointment i am so afraid of being denied even more so that i will be belittled and minimized again. That is basically what being denied means to me that they don't believe anything is wrong with me does anyone have any advice on this matter?

(((((((((((( justin )))))))))))

You won't know if you don't try. Yes appointments can be scary, but not knowing is even worse, don't you think?

Warmie

Im having trouble with my weekly assignment for dbt group i don't know how to answer some of the questions 3 in particular.

1. Which thoughts where helpful for you to cope with negative emotions and deal with the situation at hand effectively? I don't know how to answer this all i think about is dieing
2. Witch thoughts seem to reflect underlying beliefs about the world yourself or others that contribute to feeling badly on an ongoing basis? i was only able to respond with "i think everyone is out to get me".
3. What are some alternative beliefs or interpretations you could consider that might actually prove to be more realistic or lead to less negative emotions? I was a little offended by this and could only come up with
"I think my fears are very realistic and i don't know why i feel so empty and in pain all the time".

After reading my post can anyone think of any other way i can answer these because i cant also my C&P exam is scheduled for august 25 i just hope i don't end up in the hospital before then, if anyone has any suggestions please let me know.

I tried to od last night on my meds and vodka but my family and girlfriend worked together to get my meds taken from me so i just drank until i blacked out and ended up throwing up all over myself i feel like a fool for failing i am giving up and see no reason to continue on i am so alone in my suffering and the struggle is so hard. Its breaking my girlfriends and familys hearts to see what i am doing to myself but i cant stop and meds or therapy are not working.