about justin h "trigger"

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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justin
Posts: 36
Joined: Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:03 am
Location: sacramento CA

Postby justin » Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:26 am

A year ago before i knew what was wrong with me and my family intervened and told me i was depressed and i did not believe them i did not have intrusive thoughts the way i do now. Part of that is due to a response i have had to the terrible way doctors and nurses or social workers alike have treated me. I dont think its so much that i view myself as pathetic or diminish my symptoms they are making me believe it and do it to myself in reaction to how they treat me. I am very sensitive to any form of abuse and It is very hard to accept or understand what is going on with me when the VA doctors tell me that its not what is going on with me trying to diagnose me with borderline personality disorder and trying to make me believe i have it or schizophrenia and trying to make me believe i have that and testing me not telling me but being told by my therapist what they are up to they tried to through testing to prove i did not have ptsd and that it was only schizophrenia witch i still do not think i have every time i go inpatient they are constantly harassing me asking if i hear voices many times a day just waiting for me to break under the pressure im under and say yes they even told me i have told them i heard and seen things before witch i never did to my knowledge unless they got a recording of me responding to them using a underhanded tactic now that i think about it i recall them doing just that but i still dont recall saying i hear or see things just saying somthing along the lines of if you can consider my intrusive thoughts about iraq and suicide as seeing things then yes but otherwise no its all in my head. They really f*** with me man big time and i know they dont put alot of what they say on the record like constantly telling me to just get a job and that i can according to one of there resent tests i took on intelligence i think. If ptsd is part of what im suffering from then i also suffer ptsd from my childhood making things even harder because of that i frown upon religion now due to my fathers abuse my mom reminded me of one of the things he would say "spare the staff spoil the child" i can truthfully tell you i was never spoiled for the first 6 years of my life even though most of it is blocked out i just know. The examiner determined that i did not have childhood ptsd but that it just made me more vulnerable to ptsd and in my opinion depression. I dont know who to believe who to trust as many of the health care professionals i have turned to have done there best to show me how professional they are at treating me like human garbage and hiding it. It is as if they know my role in life is to be abused and know i wont do shit about it untill one day soon they put a man infront of me and say the wrong thing and i explode in a rage finally. Its not that i am capable of playing the what if game in my head i can not hear my thoughts i have to reread this just to see what im writing about multiple times its that i get intrusive thoughts that i am able to hear when what is normal for me is complete emptiness and silence. Best example i can give is im sitting here watching i survived i can not hardly recall any of what im watching but wile im watching suddenly the thought you should have died pops into my head not a voice not a message from the monitor but a thought and this goes on ALL the time but with completely seemingly random types of thoughts and almost never of the positive kind. If you are basicly telling me to accept me for who i am and what i have become i can do that to an extent and at the same time i am not proud or well i dont feel anything about it.
I have read up multiple times on all the things they keep diagnosing me with i am very confused and have to keep rereading as i can not retain and have trouble understanding now i have also read a book on ptsd specifically that my long distance gf maria got me for my birthday as she believes my only ailment is ptsd and probably knows more about it then myself. As for me my intrusive thoughts make me believe that everything i went through was normal that i need to go back to iraq and everything everyone says is wrong. The VA ensure that home is not a safe place for me to be my own therapist tell me to hurt myself if it will keep me out of the hospital or from killing myself because staying out of the hospital is more important then the harm i do to myself. Rant off

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Thu Sep 02, 2010 8:46 am

(((((((((((((( justin )))))))))))))))))

Rant all you want, if it helps then do it. We are here for you, always.

Warmie

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justin
Posts: 36
Joined: Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:03 am
Location: sacramento CA

trigger

Postby justin » Sat Sep 04, 2010 4:36 am

molested when i was 14 or 15 when i thought i finally was free from abuse but was still able to function in social and work settings and complete high school wile working at the same time though my grades did drop due to loss of interest mainly and i switched to home schooling. But then i joined the marine corps and it was like having my abusers back all over again and then some minus most of the physical or sexual abuse however the way i reacted to things was forever changed when i was younger my service in the marine corps early on i was hazed the entire time i was singled out slowly the life i had decided to make for myself started slipping from me because depression started in okinawa japan and has never went away since then. Before iraq in order to force myself to continue being a marine i learned to turn emotions on and off sometimes not because i wanted to but i had to just to function day to day. But iraq took that away from me it took the ability to connect with them from me i was still singled out in iraq one of the deciding factors of my current fate was my fellow marines telling me i did not deserve to be a marine or my rank. I was already hardly holding on and at this point lost allot of who i was because i believed them. I snaped later we got shot at i watched the rounds flying over head but was not allowed to shoot back that went against all my training. We then began to do night missions repairing IED holes primarily on roads where other fellow service members had been hit i would not and could not admit it at the time but i know i was in fear for my life every convoy i learned that if i let myself sleep bad things would happen even though i was not the driver each time i jackhammered or rock drilled i knew i would get blown up but never did. towards the end our forward security vehicle directly infront of my own was blown up i watched as the 2 tires flew left and right at the time i thought they where the bodies i still think that. I remember how there was nothing i could do and that my fears where being confirmed i knew it should have been me.
I managed not to shut down until after iraq when i came home everything that made me who i was had left me for good.
All that was left inside me was the lack of anything my motivation pride sense of self purpose emotions goals joy everything was gone
so i had to get out i tried to re enlist but i knew they would cause me trouble along the line and i ran into that on my last signature.
I told myself i just didnt want to deal with the bullshit anymore i could not see the facts or the real reasons behind it at the time.
But now i do or atleast i think i do the doctors constantly try to tell me and make me believe all these other things are wrong with me and minimize what im going through i no longer want to hear what they think because what they think has not helped me in the least.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:45 am

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Justin ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

There are times I become speechless, LOL, yeah me. So for now I just wanted to send you a warm and special hug. Hope it helps.

Warmie

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justin
Posts: 36
Joined: Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:03 am
Location: sacramento CA

still around

Postby justin » Tue Mar 08, 2011 9:33 pm

Thought i would do a small update still around was real isolated cut communication with all sources just about. Real hard daily may not post much or at all anymore but drop in chat now and then.

rober
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Joined: Tue Mar 08, 2011 5:46 pm

Postby rober » Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:14 am

Hi Justin,
I'm new here and I have just read all your story.
I know what PTSD is like....I was abused when I was 3 years old since I was 9.
flash back and intrusive toughts drove me crazy.
I feel so sorry for what they did to you. You were just an innocent child and you were hurt by the people you trusted more. This is unfair I know.
And it's very hard and painfull to deal with those emotional injuries...
But please don't give up.
you are such a strong person....
I'm here with you....to support you!.... A big big hug to you.

be11a
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Joined: Wed Jun 02, 2010 9:17 pm

Postby be11a » Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:32 am

Hi Justin -

I saw you in chat this week - please do come back whenever you feel like it. You are always welcome!

I am sorry for all of your pain. Sometimes we just have to hang in there until we find the right sort of help - and I hope you will. Even if you can't see it right now, you are worth it.

Thank you for your service. This seems like such an inadequate expession of gratitude - but it is heartfelt.

Wishing you only the best - (((((((((justin)))))))))

Bella

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:20 am

((((((((((((( Justin ))))))))))))))

Welcome home hon.

Warmie

cathyb61
Posts: 10
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:32 pm

Justin

Postby cathyb61 » Fri Mar 11, 2011 12:26 am

I'm new here too. I've read your posts Justin and must say you have certainly survived quite a lot in your life. I take my hat off to you.
I don't know you, but I can only hope that in time you can reflect back in you life and see that although you have been victimized you have also survived. That tells me that you have a strength in you that perhaps you haven't realized yet.
It seems like you have many people in your life including those on this site that really care about you. By what I have read you are valuable to many. I can only hope in time you start to see what they see. That you are a valuable person.
If possible try to find some joy in your day. Even if it's something as small as making a point of watching the sun come up or go down.
Keep posting, and remember you are an important and valuable person and many people see that in you.
Take care of yourself, you're worth it.


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