Depression Understood Forums

My symptoms of depression started 9 years ago out of the blue. (I'm 23 now.) I was sitting in front of the television and all of the sudden I felt really sad and scared. i didn't know what it was. A year or two after I found out it was depression by a diagnosis from my doctor. I took a few antidepressants but I only had side affects from them. I let it go on for 2 years without help. I was still in school and while I was there I started having symptoms of Social Phobia. I was later diagnosed with it after I decided to get real help.
They put me on alot of different meds but nothing help it only made it worse. It got so bad that I dropped out of high school and stayed home from about 17 to 18 years old. I started to feel better after that year so I went to get my GED and after, I went on to college. It was on and off throughout that time my depression/anxiety. I got my first year of college done at 19 years old. Then around the same time I started going back into the deep depression and extreme social anxiousnes to were I couldn't concentrate on school and was afraid to be around people at school.
I dropped out off college late 2006 and never hace been back since. I stayed at home after that most of the time. I would only go out if I had to or if I wanted to buy something. This went on for 2years...
I finally seen a doctor that requested I stay in the hospital for a few days to monitor my mental health and perscribe new meds. Before I went to the hospital I had no thoughts, feeling, or actions of hurting myself, others, or any of the physical symptoms i'm about to describe.
The first day I was given haldol and some other meds they never told me about. The next day I started to tense up(my whole body) and had very strong thoughs like I wanted to attacking people. I didn't know what was wrong! Then they started giving me other meds that I didn't know what the were and they didn't help. After the third day I felt so bad that I wanted to kill myself. And that's when the biggest depression hit...
Days and weeks went by and it just got worse and worse. I would get this very deep sadness every night and I wanted to kill myself so bad. Also most of everyday I had thoughts to hurt people. I did not know were they came from or how but they started during the hospital stay.
One thing good is that I had support from my loving mother and my estranged father. Since they saw I really needed help they came together to help me. I started exercising, eating healthy and traveling alot with them. It helped and if it wasn't for them I probably wouldn't be here right now or atleast not in a home.
I was stable for maybe 6 months then the depression and the thoughts came back. It was around the summer of 2008 that I went into a physiatric hospital and got real help. I stayed there and my meds were changed and It helped. I stayed for 5 days and got out a day before my 21st birthday. After that I started to feel stable again. The meds reallly helped. I started being independent and having responsibiltys.
I did fair for a year it seemed from summer 08' to summer 09'. Then somewhere around the end of 09' I started to relapse. Most of the meds stopped working and that's when I started to get to my lowest point. From then to now I got worse and worse. My diet changed to junk food. I had no energy, motivation, or hope. The suicidal thoughts started to come back. And I went back to isolating again which made my Social Phobia flair up again too.
Now I don't want to be around people, i hardly go out, only once a month. I've gained over 20lbs. and on top of that I recently had some family troubles. Now i'm at my lowest point: Gaining weight by the month, staying in bed all day, can't concentrate on anything, no interest. I really don't know what to do at this point.
I see my therapst once a week and take my meds on time when I can. I get some sleep during the night but not much. I play video games in my free time and i'm online. That is pretty much my life now.
I guess that is a summary of what has gone on in my life up until now. There is a lot left out but it would be too long to type. Thats about it...
That's my story.

I'm sorry you are living in so much pain. But you have gotten better and that shows you that you can do it again. I'm not sure if the meds made you start having suicidal thoughts or if it was just the natural progression of the depression because you didn't say how long you were on them or when that particular symptom went away, but it does normally take about 6 weeks to start to feel the full effects of a med. Side affects can occur but generally disipate with time. I hope you find your way back to the right path again.

No one likes to be in pain. I am sorry you are in pain.

I too, have experience up's and down's of depression and medications that stop working, changes in medications and waiting for the new one to take affect and some that did not. It seemed like forever. I have found the importance of a good food plan and exercise plan as two of many ways to manage my depression. They work along with the medication and other tools. I have become vigilant with my medication and in my food and exercise plan. I know the consequences if I do not work my program.

You have used many of these tools. You have done it in the pass. They work for you. You can do it again. Use your tools and work with your doctor.

((( pablos )))

Thanks for the comments. I did do something for myself last night that I haven't done in at least a month: I took a drive in my car, filled it up with gas, AND got me something to eat. I felt really good for doing it. When I was driving I thought about going on home with nothing to eat and gas running empty but I just forced myself to turn my car around and do it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
Now I'm getting ready to check my mail and go for a drive. Hopefully I can keep going out like this. And get back to exercising and healthy eating. I guess this can be the start of a new chapter in my story? lol

BTW what is ((( ))) obayan? Huggs?

((( )))) <---- hug