My Story

[MoonJules]

...is so long that I can't even begin to cover it all so I'm going to give you a little background with what's going on. I welcome any advice especially from those that have or are experiencing what I am.

Our son, who is ADHD, and diagnosed with depression - possibly bi-polar (unsure of that diagnosis) has caused such trouble in our home. Mostly with his anger and inabillity to get along with the family. We finally came to blows a few weeks ago and at the age of 20 (still a college student) it became apparent that he can no longer be a part of this household. Meaning, he is still a part of this family - we love him dearly - he just cannot live in our home any longer. He became so beligerent, hateful, and frankly, I am afraid of him with his size (even though he's not ever physically hurt me - he did swing at his dad). We set him up in an hotel (cheap one) for a couple of weeks while we could make decisions. We have now set him up in an apartment - where he is going to have to learn to grow up - take some responsibility for his own life and learn to manage his own illness (with our help and parenting). Since he is a college student we will pay one half of his rent which means he needs to work and buy his own food, gas, etc. We are also helping with the utilities. All of this is in an agreement until he graduates next spring. He's a good student and a good employee. He works hard. The good news is - so far, things seem to be working but it's only been a few weeks.

We have our oldest daughter who is 21 and living a life that is very nice. She has an extremely rich boyfriend and is living between all of their homes. It is not consistent with our ideals, but we love her anyway and she uses our home as a place to store her things. She does come home - typically daily - to say "hi" and that's about it.

Our youngest and the one I am closest to will be leaving for college this fall. She is by far the most level-headed of the three - but, of course, this leaves me with an empty nest...

....thus my sense of loss and feelings of depression.

The day that I started crying was January 12th - the day I made her reservation for her college dorm. I haven't really quit since then. I am an emotional bundle and can cry at the drop of a hat.

While I know that these are natural transitions for my children - I've been raising them for this - why is it hitting me so hard? I've been hit hard and furious this summer with trials with our son and youngest leaving.

I don't know if I'm having a "situational" depression and this will pass as I adjust to my "new normal" or if I'm on a slippery slope into something bigger. I just know that I feel loss, grief, sometimes hopelessness, loss of purpose and fear.

As I said, alot is written here. I don't know how to cope or what to do that will be the best for me and my family. Your thoughts are welcome.

[Obayan]

Hi. Welcome to our family here.

I went thru much of the same thing when my daughter (an only child) moved away from home at the age of 21. I went thru it again when my husband passed away. Now I am a wife with no husband... a mother with no children to raise.... These things have defined me for most of my life. Now I have to find a life totally seperate from those titles. I was so horrified at that idea. But now that I am exploring all the possible options that are out there for me, I'm finding that not only am I redefining who I am, but how I live life. And I'm loving every minute of it. There is so much out there yet that I want to do and want to learn.... I'm returning to college, I've found a new carer, and yes, I'm still alone right now, but I also know it is by my choice. Don't hold on too tight. Let them go and make their own mistakes, discoveries, triumphs. And do a little flying yourself. Learn to skydive. Write a book. Throw a block party. Live.

I hope this has helped in some way.

[MoonJules]

Thank you for your insight. Yes, you really do understand - so sorry about the loss of your husband.

I have heard and read that doing the things you are doing is amazing healing and teaches us that life goes on ~ as does our children's lives independently of ours.

I can also say my logical mind knows this - my emotional self is not in that place yet.

I hope to be there one day.

[crystalgaze]

I am not a mother, but I am a daughter. I think you have done the best that you can do. Also, I feel you did a good job. I don't know you in depth, but that is what I feel.

It hit my parents hard, too, especially my Dad because he was worried about me, since I was far from home when I went to college.


Just take it a little at a time and when you feel ready, how about concentrating on yourself now? What do you like to do? Can you start doing those things? Try for something that might ground you. That's all I am saying.

My dad returned to his gardening and that seemed to keep him stable because he never communicated to me how worried he was. I don't think he knew how at the time, but after I graduated, little by little, he would tell me things. Back then, I would have seen it as, "They're getting on my nerves." (My parents)

It may very well be a phase. Don't lose hope or be too down about it. Try to keep the light some place where you can see it.....

Take care!

[Obayan]

Just take one day at a time right now. You have suffered a tremendous loss, or so it seems right now. But you will learn that it's not really a loss at all. It's just a natural progression into adulthood. But still, you have to grieve for that mother who is now without little children to raise. And that will take a little time. One thing that helps me is I hold Sunday dinners at my house. All my family and all my friends all come over every Sunday. I cook a huge meal for everyone and we sit and visit, watch movies, etc... all day long. It's wonderful. And it got even better when I got used to everyone leaving at the end of the day.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( MoonJules )))))))))))))))))

You have had a life-time of taking care of your children, being there, doing things. Your life revolved around that.

Suddenly they are grown, starting out of journeys of their own, journeys you can't travel with them as you use to do. Suddenly they have changed 'your' life and didn't realize it.

Given time you will make the adjustment, find the joy of sharing whatever moment they bring to you. Be proud of your accomplishments as a parent. Not an easy task. Gives you time to prepare to being a 'grandparent', you get to start all over, but at the end of the day, you can send them home with the parents, the children you help to mold.

Warmie