Up until I was 11 I lived in Alberta, was the kid that was never home, was only out playing and what not. This all changed when we moved to Ontario, I never really made friends, I became a more shy and quiet kid (I was always a shy child -- so I was told). People started to tease and pick on me more. this lead me to gaining weight during the ages of 13 to 20s.
Basically I was the typical loner fat kid with no friends.
>> Fast forward to the start of University, around this time everything truly started to hit me, I started university at the age of 23 (I went to College first) out of town. During this time it hit me that being constantly alone sucked, but who wants to be with a 257lbs social reject?
My first year of university I made a few "friends" or so I thought, I found a person I rather liked, hung out blah blah. Here I thought things were changing, however, every time I was around her and if people noticed they would snicker and make comments about me… then I found I she likes some other dude (which seems to happen to every single person I like).
>> Year 2: During this year I moved in with a bunch of people I got to know for the remainder of school. My roommates would and other "friends" would plan gathers but never include me, would usually neglect to mention things to me. Just towards the end of my first year I met a friend of this group who I start to talk to a little during the summer, however, during my 2nd year, her and I started to talk a lot more and again (stupid me) started to like her. Few months down the road i find out during the summer she and my roommate semi dated and they both still liked each other (again this happens). So I suppress my feelings like I do for everything else in my life and move on, but still talk to her because she's probably the first person who has given me the time of the would.
On March 3rd (her birthday) her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. The following weekend it was her roommates birthday also, so they both celebrated their birthdays, however, she was in her room crying the entire night. Me being me (the nice guy as im told) I sat with her in room so she wouldn't be alone. The really strange part is, 2 weeks later my mother was also diagnosed with breast cancer. This made us become much closer friends, since we both supported each other during the entire thing.
So during that year I gain a little social life but nothing more than that, I promised myself I would lose weight during the summer and hope things would take a better turn.
Hazaah! My summer started and I put plenty of weeks of research in how I wanted to start my better life. By the end of the summer I lost around 55lbs. Continued to talk to my only friend during the summer who knew about my plans to lose weight and was very supportive. I started the year with not many people recognizing me, great! a fresh start but nope. Things start to go south even more so, people didn't want to be around me anymore (i still don't get why), I lived with a jackass of a roommate who didn't know how to keep his mouth shut when he had nothing nice to say. The first few months I continued to lose more weight, but it seemed to just make people not be around me anymore.
So the remaining time of the year it was just me and my only one friend, hung out quite a lot -- people started to talk, making jokes we were husband and wife (since we would constantly talk), but this was far from the case. Since she still liked my room mate (during this year he went to Japan to study) and mentioned they would be together right then if he didn't go. Their comments would just make me more depressed and sad, since I knew it would be never true. So alone we continue to be.
I finish school and graduate with my Degree, but also applied for my masters so I can return to school and kind of have a social life still, since living at home Im a hermit as usual with no friends. For a good month after the original date i was supple to hear back from my masters I finally find out I got accepted BUT just 3 days before I accepted a job in my field with a good pay, but has 2-3 hour travel time to Toronto one way. I have till July 9th to decide on what I want to do about my masters. I want to keep my job and do both but its not possible, and i believe me going back to school would just be for the wrong reasons. To hang out wit the female friend, but that wont work my ex roommate has returned (joy).
I apologize for the long read, i knows its all over the place and full of error. Knowing me ill just delete and all and not post this if i try to correct it all.
Summary if you don't want to read.
- was the fat loner and teased while younger
- struggle to make friends
- nobody wants to talk to me, if they do its never anything nice
- hit a top weight of 257lbs and decide to lose weight in hope things would changed -- today I shit at 181lbs.
- things continued to stay the same
- Found a job after graduating while at the same time being accepted for my Masters
- Have until July 9th to decide if i want to accept it or not
- I still have no social life other than msn with a single friend.
- never had a GF or done anything with a female (kissing blah blah)
- currently 25 years old.
Not having a social life and being alone sucks, I have zero self confidence, I don't believe a single positive thing I hear about myself, I still feel fat and ugly.
blah end messy rant
