I keep asking myself
Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2010 4:33 pm
I'm borrowing some song lyrics, but "I'm still so young, how did I get so sad?"
But I find myself asking this question a lot lately. I used to think everything was alright, I mean I had friends, I was going to college, and my family was fairly supportive. This might get kind of lengthy...but writing everything out is good for the soul, right?
I think it all started my senior year of high school. All through high school I had decided that I wanted to go to college for art. I used to love drawing, but over time, I've been doing it less and less.
Senior year of high school, I needed to put together a portfolio, as part of the application process. I took two classes with this art teacher to help prepare. But she never helped. I ended up doing it alone, but I still needed a recommendation letter. She kept losing it, or forgetting about it. I asked another teacher to write one, but by then it was too late. I ended up giving up, and changing my major.
I haven't had much luck with relationships. The first boyfriend I had turned into a stalker, and the second was long distance. It didn't work out. I've basically been single for a year, although I've actively been trying to get into a relationship for half a year. That's when things started to get worse. It seems like every guy I come across is only interested in sex. There was one exception, but I ruined that after I realized I had fallen for a friend.
I've gone to my friend twice now, and have mentioned my feelings for him. But the only answer I get in return is an 'I don't know'. However, he's mentioned at least three girl's he'd like to be in a relationship with. The problem is, we've been sleeping together for a while now....he started it, and I can't seem to figure out how to end it.
The other problems I've been having involve friends and family. Lately I've been feeling like I don't have any friends. I feel so alone most of the time...I end up crying.
The closest friend I have is a guy from my childhood. But anytime he gets a girlfriend, he ditches me. I never get to see him, or any of my other friends. They either never respond to my messages, or are too busy / unavailable. For my birthday I tried to get a group together. It didn't work. The friend I fell for was the only one that showed up and spent time with me on my birthday. Another friend had lunch with me a few days after that. But none of my childhood friends did anything with me.
My family...my parents aren't together. My mom doesn't help me at all. She doesn't like any of my friends, and is so critical of anyone I try to date. And she's only like this to me. My dad is an alcoholic, I don't know where he lives, and I haven't been able to reach him for a month. His coworker told him I wanted to talk to him a few days ago, but he hasn't called.
Most days I'm stuck at home since I don't have a car. I have a job, at least I think I do. I'm employed at Jimmy John's, but I haven't worked for almost a month now, and they won't call me back.
I'm at the point where I just don't know what to do. The past month has been the worst. I've spent so much time crying.... I feel friendless and it seems like I'll always be alone. There have been thoughts of suicide, but I know better than to act on them.
But I find myself asking this question a lot lately. I used to think everything was alright, I mean I had friends, I was going to college, and my family was fairly supportive. This might get kind of lengthy...but writing everything out is good for the soul, right?
I think it all started my senior year of high school. All through high school I had decided that I wanted to go to college for art. I used to love drawing, but over time, I've been doing it less and less.
Senior year of high school, I needed to put together a portfolio, as part of the application process. I took two classes with this art teacher to help prepare. But she never helped. I ended up doing it alone, but I still needed a recommendation letter. She kept losing it, or forgetting about it. I asked another teacher to write one, but by then it was too late. I ended up giving up, and changing my major.
I haven't had much luck with relationships. The first boyfriend I had turned into a stalker, and the second was long distance. It didn't work out. I've basically been single for a year, although I've actively been trying to get into a relationship for half a year. That's when things started to get worse. It seems like every guy I come across is only interested in sex. There was one exception, but I ruined that after I realized I had fallen for a friend.
I've gone to my friend twice now, and have mentioned my feelings for him. But the only answer I get in return is an 'I don't know'. However, he's mentioned at least three girl's he'd like to be in a relationship with. The problem is, we've been sleeping together for a while now....he started it, and I can't seem to figure out how to end it.
The other problems I've been having involve friends and family. Lately I've been feeling like I don't have any friends. I feel so alone most of the time...I end up crying.
The closest friend I have is a guy from my childhood. But anytime he gets a girlfriend, he ditches me. I never get to see him, or any of my other friends. They either never respond to my messages, or are too busy / unavailable. For my birthday I tried to get a group together. It didn't work. The friend I fell for was the only one that showed up and spent time with me on my birthday. Another friend had lunch with me a few days after that. But none of my childhood friends did anything with me.
My family...my parents aren't together. My mom doesn't help me at all. She doesn't like any of my friends, and is so critical of anyone I try to date. And she's only like this to me. My dad is an alcoholic, I don't know where he lives, and I haven't been able to reach him for a month. His coworker told him I wanted to talk to him a few days ago, but he hasn't called.
Most days I'm stuck at home since I don't have a car. I have a job, at least I think I do. I'm employed at Jimmy John's, but I haven't worked for almost a month now, and they won't call me back.
I'm at the point where I just don't know what to do. The past month has been the worst. I've spent so much time crying.... I feel friendless and it seems like I'll always be alone. There have been thoughts of suicide, but I know better than to act on them.
