Need some one to talk to

[adg]

I am 18 years old and my name is Alexa. I just graduated from high school a couple weeks ago, currently a waitress then starting college this coming fall. almost 3 years ago, my mom died of a cocain overdose. We were both doing alot of drugs together, it was really really bad. My parents divorced when i was 2, since then it was me, my mom, and my brother, until about 4th grade, my brother left too. So it was just me and my mom, thats how i liked it. We were best friends, she was my everyhting. We moved around ALOT. She was always tring to find that special someone again. She was a Great mother depite a few things. She was a bad alcohalic. She was sexualy abused by her adoptive father throught her youth, thats where most of her problems came from i guess. I started to really notice these drunked rages when i was in 4th grade. She would go catatonic after a couple drinks, and be really really mean to me. The next morning, she would have no recalection of what happened. I remember crying myself to sleep most of my life because she would go on such horrible rages. Time came around to 9th grade, I got fed up with being left home alone to early hours in the morning because she was out drinking and i could not sleep because i was so worried about her. So i moved in with my grandperents for a few months. summer of 9th grade came around and i missed her so much i had to go back. But in the time i was gone, i went through that drug experimenting stage. SO when i had come back, she had been layed off from her jjob (she always made good money) and had went to rehab for drinking as i requested. And then she met Ron. One of the biggest drug dealers in Texas. (little did i know)....but we started doing ALOT of drugs, that whole summer seemed like a century to me...it was all a blur. we partied so much itt was really bad. end of the summer came, she picked up a drink and one night it got so bad she went on a horrible rage yelling at me beacuse i did not sell all the coke she had givven me for bills. SO, the next day i packed up all my shit and i remember her coming into my room as i was packing, and told me i did not have to go. and then i said, "theres NOTHING you can do to keep me this time, i ahte you." I went to school the next day and got a call that she was in a coma in the hospital. (My brother had just came home from the marines the day i moved out before, he founf her unconcious in her bed) i rushed up there to find her almostt lifeless body. 3 days later she wass dead from a cocain overdose. Thats where i lost myself. I lost everything in my life. everything. she WAS my everything. this sounds crazy, but all throughout my child hood, i kept depression diaries (i always have had depression problems as a child) and in my diaries i would write journal entried to my mom as if she was already dead, really weird. i always felt like she was going to die for some reason...dunno. After she dieed my like plummeted. I lived with my gradperents and my dad really camr into my life for the first time. That was HELL. he had no idea how to handle it and not to mention he was also going through her death. it was not a good time. after a couple moths of not talking to a soul and locking my self up cutting my wrists, i started my life little by little. But since then i have still had my problems. And i took lexapro for 2 years, just recently got off it really helped alot. Ok so i was dating my current boyfreind at the time my mom died, Gabreil, they were pretty closee. i broke up with him because i needed time alone to heal. we got back together a couple months later and now have our own apartment togther after almost 3 years. But then is another insainity problem of mine. Have no idea why i am this way, but he dated this girl misty for 3 years before me, got her pregnant twice, one time was a miscarage, other was an abortion. after we got together the second time, i started having massive obsessions over her. I meandreams everyngiht about all different sorts of things. id drive by her house all the time just to see if she was there. Id call from private just to hear her voice. its crazy and it still bothers me to this day. dream after dream. i cant get her out of my freakin head and i dont know why.She drives me nuts... And my mom has been bother me ALOT lately =( not sure why, but iv been very bitter and unoptimistic latley, feeling sorry for myself and just plain unhappy. But sometimes ill be just normall and happy, and then ill just get really really sad. iv always beent his way. I can never pay attention to anything. My mind is like scribbles on paper, i dont knwo how to explain it. I have so much shit in my head i feel littlery crazy sometimes. Its bothering me so much i think its affecting my relationship with Gabe,a nd i hate that. hes the only emotional suport i have left. No one else was ever affectionate to me other than my mother, and ill never have that love again. He has a little sister and mom, and step dad. when i see them all together having fun i really wanna just shoot myself, i get so jelous that he has that love left and i dont. i hate him for that and i shouldnt. I wiish i wasnt the way i am. and i nowim onyl 18 i still ahve my whole life left ahead of me, but i dotn even know what to do, so much shit has happened to me and my mom really bothers me, it really messed me up loosing her.
But, more later... just needed to vent.
If youd like to see a dedication to her theres a video on YouTube called 'mommy' by me (alexaduvall) jsut so you can maybe have an idea.
Thanks

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((( adg ))))))))))))))

Read your story and cried for and with you. Losing your mother is crushing, been there done that. Don't know if we ever 'give them up', why we think of them so much.

Thank you for sharing with us, know it wasn't an easy thing to do, but honestly it does help to talk about it, release it at time.

Please continue posting, some wonderful people here, as you will see.

Keeping you in my thoughts

Warmie

[Obayan]

It's upsetting to have a parent who is mean to you. You try so hard to gain their love and affection... only to be shot down night after night. And yet we still love them so much. You are told horrible things. And after time you don't have to hear them say those things to you anymore, you hear it yourself from that little voice in your head. After more time, you don't even need to hear that voice. You just accept it as a part of life and act accordingly. We grow into adults and have learned to equate love with this vicious cycle of pain. Even if we don't realise it yet. We sabotage our relationships when they are good because we don't deserve it. And when it's bad it just validates what we already believe about ouselves. This doesn't have to be a way of life. This doesn't have to be your life. This is a learned beahavior and can be unlearned as well. It takes time, therapy, possibly meds and a lot of work. But don't give up. Please don't give up. Fight the fight that's worth winning. Know you are not alone in this. We are here. We see you. We hear you and we know you. We know your pain. You are not alone.

I wish you the best.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((( adg ))))))))))))))

As said, some wonderful people here, that have walked the path you are on. Example: Obayan..... a very wise and caring Lady.

Sending you a hello for the day, hope things are a tab better for you... (((((((( adg ))))))))))))))

Warmie