My story, a suicide surviver
Posted: Thu Jun 10, 2010 5:13 pm
hi everyone, thought i would tell my story.
I attempted suicide in on feb 9th 2010, i went through a really bad patch at work where i was demoted due to budget cuts. this was something i couldnt handle, the feelings of failure and humiliation i felt was too much for me and i took an overdose, luckily i managed to arrange for the ambulance to come find me before i passed out.
throughout my life i have struggled to cope with my feelings off failure and not believing i had any worth, so the work situation was all it took to push me over the edge. I have almost no good memories of my childhood in england the memories i have are of me being a very quiet child who couldnt make friends, i had the mother of all stutters, to the extent where i hated talking, i believe this has stunted my ability to talk confidently. i dreaded break times as i knew i would have nothing to do and no one to play with.
I First thought about suicide at around 11 or 12, this has been constant throughout my life since then, when things go bad i get into a severe depression which would at times come around to thinking about taking my own life, but i would always find something to keep me going, that all failed in feb when i couldnt think of a way out.
I never thought i was depressed though untill after the suicide when doctors and councillors and therapists told me i was, then it all made sense after that.
My family where devestated by what happened, i have and always have had a loving family, but i could never talk to them about anything. since the suicide attempt, they have been great, so have work, they have allowed me all the time i need to recover, when i have a relapse they are the first to see i need time off.
At the hospital i was interviewed by some phsyciatrists who forwarded me to the local doctors and the local mental health people, this was the first time i had experienced this kind of help an it was touching to see how much people wanted to help me. It may seem odd but after the suicide i didnt see what all the fuss was about as i felt fine afterwards. Not untill recently has it really sunk in what i did.
Im going through therapy at the moment and after a shaky start it turning in to a really rewarding experience and i look forward to the sessions, my councilling is also coming along nicely they are being very slow with me, so as not to cause me to regress, i was terrified of telling them about my own past and fears etc, but once i mentioned this to them they promised that i can take it at my own pace, which is what i have done and i can finally see a future for me now.
I still have down moments where i contemplate suicide, but luckily i can recognize it and find a way to challenge these thoughts and change them to a more positive outcome. im no longer afraid of telling people of my problems as i once was and i can even talk about the suicide attempt without breaking down, so i can see a brighter future ahead of me, my only problem is that fact im now on the max dosage of the medication and i fear i may never come off them. but as my family have said. im better on them than off them, everyone sees a change even if i dont.
I dont know why i wrote this down. but it feels good to write this down.
I attempted suicide in on feb 9th 2010, i went through a really bad patch at work where i was demoted due to budget cuts. this was something i couldnt handle, the feelings of failure and humiliation i felt was too much for me and i took an overdose, luckily i managed to arrange for the ambulance to come find me before i passed out.
throughout my life i have struggled to cope with my feelings off failure and not believing i had any worth, so the work situation was all it took to push me over the edge. I have almost no good memories of my childhood in england the memories i have are of me being a very quiet child who couldnt make friends, i had the mother of all stutters, to the extent where i hated talking, i believe this has stunted my ability to talk confidently. i dreaded break times as i knew i would have nothing to do and no one to play with.
I First thought about suicide at around 11 or 12, this has been constant throughout my life since then, when things go bad i get into a severe depression which would at times come around to thinking about taking my own life, but i would always find something to keep me going, that all failed in feb when i couldnt think of a way out.
I never thought i was depressed though untill after the suicide when doctors and councillors and therapists told me i was, then it all made sense after that.
My family where devestated by what happened, i have and always have had a loving family, but i could never talk to them about anything. since the suicide attempt, they have been great, so have work, they have allowed me all the time i need to recover, when i have a relapse they are the first to see i need time off.
At the hospital i was interviewed by some phsyciatrists who forwarded me to the local doctors and the local mental health people, this was the first time i had experienced this kind of help an it was touching to see how much people wanted to help me. It may seem odd but after the suicide i didnt see what all the fuss was about as i felt fine afterwards. Not untill recently has it really sunk in what i did.
Im going through therapy at the moment and after a shaky start it turning in to a really rewarding experience and i look forward to the sessions, my councilling is also coming along nicely they are being very slow with me, so as not to cause me to regress, i was terrified of telling them about my own past and fears etc, but once i mentioned this to them they promised that i can take it at my own pace, which is what i have done and i can finally see a future for me now.
I still have down moments where i contemplate suicide, but luckily i can recognize it and find a way to challenge these thoughts and change them to a more positive outcome. im no longer afraid of telling people of my problems as i once was and i can even talk about the suicide attempt without breaking down, so i can see a brighter future ahead of me, my only problem is that fact im now on the max dosage of the medication and i fear i may never come off them. but as my family have said. im better on them than off them, everyone sees a change even if i dont.
I dont know why i wrote this down. but it feels good to write this down.
