My Story
Posted: Sun Jun 06, 2010 4:42 am
This is my first time posting something like this. I just feel like sharing many things from my life; I just want to share everything that’s on my mind and it won’t be very organized or eloquent. I hope that’s ok.
Hi, my name is Anna. I have been depressed, on and off, for as long as I can remember. I am almost 24, came to the US from the former soviet block in 2000. I lived with my mom and grandma; they had and still have a terrible, dysfunctional relationship and they fought every day. I cried every day. My grandma pretty much raised me since my mom acts like my much younger sister. I was picked on at school all the time for being poor, and weak I guess. Then I moved here at the perfect time to go to high school, and that was the worst time of my life. People were nice, but I felt so alone and worthless. I felt like I was damaged goods, and I would never be able to sustain a healthy relationship. The constant fighting at home, and adapting to new place… I would physically hurt, I would get anxiety attacks… I felt like running away some days; others I felt like slitting my wrists. But I didn’t want to hurt my family.
After high school and the bad grades I received all my life, I finally decided to get my act together. I enrolled in a community college, and between my three jobs and school, I was never home. That helped. But one fight with my grandma and mom lead me to up and leave. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time. Six month later, I find out he quit school a couple of months back. Three months later, he quit his job. Since I thought we were best friends and looked out for each other, I started paying rent. That went on for two years. I broke up with him, but the debts stayed with me. My depression came back with a vengeance. I was anxious every day. My memory started slipping; I couldn’t concentrate; I started eating a lot.
Here I am now. I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a useless 4-year degree 6 months ago, and still am unemployed. My dreams of doing something with myself are crushed; I am just not as smart as others. People say, “oooh, you got good grades”, but my degree is a joke. When I went to see a university counselor, she told me that I’m fine since my grades are good. But I was so messed up on the inside.
I can’t compete with candidates who don’t have anxiety attacks before interviews. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is the one thing that keeps me sane, most of the time. I feel so bad that he has to put up with my bad days. Days when we watch a late movie at home, everything is fine until I get drunk and break down on our kitchen floor hysterical over how worthless I am. He graduated one months ago and still looking for a job. Our cards are maxed out. We will be kicked out soon. He has his parents’ place, I have nothing and no one. I don’t want to be homeless, so I will have to go live on the couch at the apartment where my mom and grandma live. And I will lose whatever sanity I have. My memory is so gone by now, I forget names and words, not just misplace objects. I live in a fog during the day; at night, I have to self-medicate with alcohol and weed or I will never go to sleep. Not sleeping is the worst. It’s 3:13 am right now, and I can’t sleep. I think about the collection agency that’s been calling me; about the extra 50 pounds I gained in the last few years; 20 in just the last 6 months. I used to be 125 and now I have stretch marks on my legs. I think about my grandma who gave me everything and is still living in absolute poverty. After so many breakdowns where I couldn’t even let myself be sad because there was no time, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to get out of bed, brush my teeth, go outside, meet people. I don’t want to pretend I enjoy doing anything or like anyone. I am so scared about the future, and I am not equipped to deal with what’s coming. I was born unprepared for the world’s stress. I am really losing it.
Hi, my name is Anna. I have been depressed, on and off, for as long as I can remember. I am almost 24, came to the US from the former soviet block in 2000. I lived with my mom and grandma; they had and still have a terrible, dysfunctional relationship and they fought every day. I cried every day. My grandma pretty much raised me since my mom acts like my much younger sister. I was picked on at school all the time for being poor, and weak I guess. Then I moved here at the perfect time to go to high school, and that was the worst time of my life. People were nice, but I felt so alone and worthless. I felt like I was damaged goods, and I would never be able to sustain a healthy relationship. The constant fighting at home, and adapting to new place… I would physically hurt, I would get anxiety attacks… I felt like running away some days; others I felt like slitting my wrists. But I didn’t want to hurt my family.
After high school and the bad grades I received all my life, I finally decided to get my act together. I enrolled in a community college, and between my three jobs and school, I was never home. That helped. But one fight with my grandma and mom lead me to up and leave. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time. Six month later, I find out he quit school a couple of months back. Three months later, he quit his job. Since I thought we were best friends and looked out for each other, I started paying rent. That went on for two years. I broke up with him, but the debts stayed with me. My depression came back with a vengeance. I was anxious every day. My memory started slipping; I couldn’t concentrate; I started eating a lot.
Here I am now. I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a useless 4-year degree 6 months ago, and still am unemployed. My dreams of doing something with myself are crushed; I am just not as smart as others. People say, “oooh, you got good grades”, but my degree is a joke. When I went to see a university counselor, she told me that I’m fine since my grades are good. But I was so messed up on the inside.
I can’t compete with candidates who don’t have anxiety attacks before interviews. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is the one thing that keeps me sane, most of the time. I feel so bad that he has to put up with my bad days. Days when we watch a late movie at home, everything is fine until I get drunk and break down on our kitchen floor hysterical over how worthless I am. He graduated one months ago and still looking for a job. Our cards are maxed out. We will be kicked out soon. He has his parents’ place, I have nothing and no one. I don’t want to be homeless, so I will have to go live on the couch at the apartment where my mom and grandma live. And I will lose whatever sanity I have. My memory is so gone by now, I forget names and words, not just misplace objects. I live in a fog during the day; at night, I have to self-medicate with alcohol and weed or I will never go to sleep. Not sleeping is the worst. It’s 3:13 am right now, and I can’t sleep. I think about the collection agency that’s been calling me; about the extra 50 pounds I gained in the last few years; 20 in just the last 6 months. I used to be 125 and now I have stretch marks on my legs. I think about my grandma who gave me everything and is still living in absolute poverty. After so many breakdowns where I couldn’t even let myself be sad because there was no time, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to get out of bed, brush my teeth, go outside, meet people. I don’t want to pretend I enjoy doing anything or like anyone. I am so scared about the future, and I am not equipped to deal with what’s coming. I was born unprepared for the world’s stress. I am really losing it.