My Story

[Croft022]

This is my first time posting something like this. I just feel like sharing many things from my life; I just want to share everything that’s on my mind and it won’t be very organized or eloquent. I hope that’s ok.

Hi, my name is Anna. I have been depressed, on and off, for as long as I can remember. I am almost 24, came to the US from the former soviet block in 2000. I lived with my mom and grandma; they had and still have a terrible, dysfunctional relationship and they fought every day. I cried every day. My grandma pretty much raised me since my mom acts like my much younger sister. I was picked on at school all the time for being poor, and weak I guess. Then I moved here at the perfect time to go to high school, and that was the worst time of my life. People were nice, but I felt so alone and worthless. I felt like I was damaged goods, and I would never be able to sustain a healthy relationship. The constant fighting at home, and adapting to new place… I would physically hurt, I would get anxiety attacks… I felt like running away some days; others I felt like slitting my wrists. But I didn’t want to hurt my family.

After high school and the bad grades I received all my life, I finally decided to get my act together. I enrolled in a community college, and between my three jobs and school, I was never home. That helped. But one fight with my grandma and mom lead me to up and leave. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time. Six month later, I find out he quit school a couple of months back. Three months later, he quit his job. Since I thought we were best friends and looked out for each other, I started paying rent. That went on for two years. I broke up with him, but the debts stayed with me. My depression came back with a vengeance. I was anxious every day. My memory started slipping; I couldn’t concentrate; I started eating a lot.

Here I am now. I graduated Summa Cum Laude with a useless 4-year degree 6 months ago, and still am unemployed. My dreams of doing something with myself are crushed; I am just not as smart as others. People say, “oooh, you got good grades”, but my degree is a joke. When I went to see a university counselor, she told me that I’m fine since my grades are good. But I was so messed up on the inside.

I can’t compete with candidates who don’t have anxiety attacks before interviews. I have a wonderful boyfriend who is the one thing that keeps me sane, most of the time. I feel so bad that he has to put up with my bad days. Days when we watch a late movie at home, everything is fine until I get drunk and break down on our kitchen floor hysterical over how worthless I am. He graduated one months ago and still looking for a job. Our cards are maxed out. We will be kicked out soon. He has his parents’ place, I have nothing and no one. I don’t want to be homeless, so I will have to go live on the couch at the apartment where my mom and grandma live. And I will lose whatever sanity I have. My memory is so gone by now, I forget names and words, not just misplace objects. I live in a fog during the day; at night, I have to self-medicate with alcohol and weed or I will never go to sleep. Not sleeping is the worst. It’s 3:13 am right now, and I can’t sleep. I think about the collection agency that’s been calling me; about the extra 50 pounds I gained in the last few years; 20 in just the last 6 months. I used to be 125 and now I have stretch marks on my legs. I think about my grandma who gave me everything and is still living in absolute poverty. After so many breakdowns where I couldn’t even let myself be sad because there was no time, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to get out of bed, brush my teeth, go outside, meet people. I don’t want to pretend I enjoy doing anything or like anyone. I am so scared about the future, and I am not equipped to deal with what’s coming. I was born unprepared for the world’s stress. I am really losing it.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((( Croft022/Anna )))))))))))))))

Welcome to the forums. Understand that it wasn't easy to write your post, but you did, you shared. Give yourself credit for that one step.

Depression/anxiety, makes life so hard for so many of us. You found the determination to better your education, look at your accomplishment! Summa Cum Laude!! Not an easy thing to do. Be very proud of that, please.

You have done quite a lot and perhaps just don't see it. You went through a rough relationship, learned from it and found someone that cares. You see things as they are and you do love your mother and grandmother, it does show.

Try to find that determination again, never give up on yourself. Know that you are listened to here, and we care in our own ways. It is a very good supporting forum.

I felt proud and sad for you, I do care. Realize you don't know me, but I will do all I can to give you support in your hard times and share the good moments.

Thank you for sharing, hope to see you posting more with us. Welcome again to the family in the forums.

Warmie