So I decided to join because the chat has helped me. My story isn't really intresting nor important. I guess I should start with when it kinda began...I think that's when it started. Well anyway, I was about 6 or 7 when my parents decided that my mom , brother and I were going to move away back to Germany (I lived in the US at the time) leaving my dad behind. Durning the time I lived in Germany I got to see him once in two years. Back then apparently I couldn't handle the changes and started to act out. I would cry alot and about stupid things, I bullied other kids, I rebelled against my teachers, and so on. This natrualy made people dislike me. I had one or two friends total. The one then went and framed me of stealing. I also had one teacher who enjoyed picking on me for example I remember once I did my math homework and thought I did it right and showed it to her. What did she do? She said I did it wrong and yelled at me in front of the whole class. My whole class hated me....when the teacher announced I was moving everyone clapped and cheered. Don't blame them though. At that point my mom decided that for my sake and other reasons we had to move. My family thought i would grow up to be a criminal.
We moved back to America and for a while it was all ok but it seemed like in every grade I would make a friend but in the end they'd leave me and id be all alone or choose someone else over me. With each year I felt worse about myself. Then in seventh grade I had a crush on this one guy and I really wanted to talk to him but the feeling of me not being good enough kept me from talking. Then the teacher decided I was gonna sit next to him. That's when it got worse my self hatred would get to the point where I would feel physically sick. As the year progressed it seemed like the color went out of everything and everything seemed gray. In 8th grade things didnt get better. I started to cut but not deep just with a thumb tack. It made me feel guilty and I couldnt stand the thought of my arms being scarred and my mom finding out. So instead I slapped myself on the arm or digging my nails into my skin. I also still liked the guy. Then 9th grade came and still I liked the guy and I started talking to him. He would hug me and tell me to call him. We would talk for hours on the phone but hardly in person because I still hated myself. One day I saw he got a girlfriend and needless to say I was pretty sad after all I did like him for three years. It became a little better after that. I stopped caring about mostly everything. Then I had to start liking another guy(and again those feelings of hatred for myself became stronger) who ended up dating one of my close friends. I felt like I was the last thing on earth anyone would want.
The summer came and I did basically nothing.My parents wouldnt let me do anything. However for three days during that summer I expirienced happiness. It was a three day trip with my friends. Then school started and I don't remember much of the first half of the year. Starting new years and on I kinda remember. School got very stressful because I am in a cosmetology class(hair, nails,and skin) which is fast paced and you have to talk to people you dont know. I am very slow and just can't seem to get faster at the tasks i am given. Also, talking to people scares me. I still have my mom buy me stuff even though I have gotten better and occasionally buy my owns stuff. I have basically no friends in the class. I stand there for 2 hours doing what I have to. I get to watch all the girls in my class socialize and have fun. I don't say much because mostly everything that comes out of my mouth sounds stupid or comes out in a jumbled mess. The teachers ignore me too they joke with all the other girls but when it comes to me they dont even talk to me. Then on Wendsdays clients come in and we have to provide them with the services needed. I get so scared that once I did laundry for 2 hours just so I wouldnt get a client. Now I have to decide wether or not to stay in the class. For my own mental health it seems like dropping out is a good choice but my parents payed 400 dollars for it. All the other girls dont seem to have those problems and it makes me feel pathetic.
It doesn't help that i'm failing math. I just can't seem to concentrate or care about the matiral being taught. The last months are so hard to remember and I seem to forget everything. even reeeaaally important stuff. I just can't seem to care anymore. Everything seems so unimportant.
I wake up in the morning go to school,come home and then wait for time to pass so I can go to sleep just so I can repeat it all again.When I go home first thing I do is go to my room and stay there for hours on the computer or just laying on my bed listining to music waiting for time to pass. For some reason I feel like im better than before. I don't really feel anything just a weird tension in my stomach. When I do feel something it's always like a watered down version of the emotion....but it's alway's been like that nothing excites me anymore....except for those 3 days in summer vacation.
That's basically my life story. Like I said unintresting lol . I don't think I'm depressed but I'm not too sure. Some days I'll feel like I'm ok but then later on I will get so sad and then when I feel ok again it feels like a kind of bad dream till the numb kind of sad ( i dont even know how to describe it) comes back again. I feel guilty for feeling sad too because I know I don't have any important problems. I'm scared to feel better because I know it won't last. Does this sound like depression to you? I heard you're more likely to get it if family has it and as for family my uncle aunt and grandma on one side all have it.
Sorry for spelling mistakes...it's late here.
I'm sorry I sound stupid, don't I......
I feel like I'm annoying you all by posting this...
Not sure
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
(((((((((((catcat))))))))))))
You don't have to have interesting problems to be depressed or to need help. I'm not an expert, but it does sound like you are depressed and I hope you will care about yourself enough to seek help. If you can't talk to your parents, could you talk to a counselor at school or your family doctor? It's possible some form of counseling would make things feel alot better for you. It's hard to reach out for help, but it's worth it.
This is a good site to come to and learn about what others do about their problems. I think you said you went to the chatroom and I have found that very helpful too.
Take care and I hope things get better for you.
Wonder
You don't have to have interesting problems to be depressed or to need help. I'm not an expert, but it does sound like you are depressed and I hope you will care about yourself enough to seek help. If you can't talk to your parents, could you talk to a counselor at school or your family doctor? It's possible some form of counseling would make things feel alot better for you. It's hard to reach out for help, but it's worth it.
This is a good site to come to and learn about what others do about their problems. I think you said you went to the chatroom and I have found that very helpful too.
Take care and I hope things get better for you.
Wonder
I can't ask help from my family because I'm supposed to be the strong one. My mom always tells my brother to be like me because nothing bothers me. Nothing bothers me because I pretend it doesn't. Also my brother recently broke down in school and told the teachers he was gonna kill himself and now he needs a note from the psychiatrist to be able to go back. I don't want to burden my family with another depressed child. My parents also dont really believe in depression. As for councilors...I don't like the one in my school. I've talked to her before and shes not the type of person I would talk about my feelings with. Besides the chat I have one person online I can say anything to and he doesnt judge me and trys to cheer me up but I get sad alot and I dont want to annoy him with my whining.
cat, your life is not uninteresting. i see in your text a warm and caring soul that has been hurt many times, and is now afaid to make new friends, and prefers to be a loner at this time. it seems safer that way. since you have identified your issues as yo usee them, it's now time for you to get a full physical with blood draw and UI just to make sure there is nothing organiclly wrong. after that, then its time to get a referral to a pdoc, and hae that doctor test you and question you. the pdoc can determine if you need meds to correct an imbalance in your system and/or if therapy would benefit you. hugs
I got a physical last year with blood drawing and everything. It came back as nothing being wrong. My mom thought I was anemic or however you spell it lol. However when I went this year they flat out asked me if I was depressed. I lied, smiled and replied no. I still regret it but I just can't bring myself to tell them especially not when my mom would know. I have no options really for therapy and stuff so for now I guess talking will have to be enough. Thanks for all the kind replies though it helps too. 
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