Might as well...

[lowdown]

I don't know if putting this into words is going to help me but I doubt it will make me feel any worse so here goes.

I've been unhappy for most of my life, really from the age of around 8 when my parents separated and my mum took me and my brother to live with her new "man" hundreds of miles away. Both this partner and the one that followed were violent drunks and eventually I left my mum's home in the middle of the night at aged 14 and went to my dad's (we had moved back to our home town by this point). I never went back and my brother followed soon afterwards - without me to bully he had become the only target.

My relationship with my mother deteriorated badly and has never really recovered. I only ever saw her at Christmas and wasn't asked to attend when she remarried (not that I would have). Now, over twenty years later, we've both made some efforts to rebuild our relationship but the damage has been done - we'll never have a real mother/son relationship.

I believe this to be the root cause of most of the problems that have followed throughout my life. I had always been a bright student, even through the difficult times and moving from school to school but after being abandoned by my mother (as I saw it at the time) I changed. I went from bullied smart kid to bully who couldn't care less about academic performance. I was more interested in hanging out with the "cool kids" than work and eventually left school with a handful of low grades and not many prospects. I tried college a couple of times, never completing a single course and went from job to job with no real direction in life.

I began to get into debt in my early twenties and this soon spiralled out of control, I was drinking heavily to block out real life and began to suffer from serious bouts of depression. I ended up being signed off sick by my doctor for over 6 months but couldn't even bring myself to tell my own father. Eventually things came to a head when I broke down in public and confessed everything to my dad - the drinking, the depression, the debt, everything. While one of the lowest points of my life it was also one of the most important as my dad vowed to do everything he could to help me as long as I was willing to help myself. I worked hard for years, paying every spare penny towards the debt and eventually, a couple of years ago now, I had cleared it all. While I still drink socially I don't have any issues with problem drinking any more. During this time I came off my meds and, while I had the occasional spell of depression it was never anything too serious or long-lived.

I'm now probably in the best position I've been in all my adult life - my debts are cleared, I have a decent job which, while it doesn't exactly inspire me, pays well and is as secure as you can expect a job to be these days. I even pay into a pension plan. My finances are in control and I rarely even go into my overdraft never mind any other kind of borrowing. I even recently overcame my lifetime dental phobia to get a few thousand pounds worth of much needed work done (all paid in full). I've achieved so much over the last five years or so in what I've done - I've tackled every major issue in my life (bar one, obviously) and overcome it but I don't think I've ever been so unhappy.

I'm so lonely and miserable and it justs seems to be getting worse and worse. I've been feeling this building up for the past few months and a few days ago I broke down in tears at home and didn't stop for hours - I've been crying on and off ever since. I'm crying as I'm writing this. I haven't been at work for two days as a result and doubt I'll be able to face it tomorrow feeling the way I do now.

I have few close friends - I'm one of these people who knows everyone but is only close to a handful - but I find it impossible to talk about things like this with them properly. In fact, I hardly ever see most of them any more - everyone's either moved away or settled down with someone. I'm single and live alone and the more time goes on the more I believe that's how I'll end my days. I haven't seriously contemplated suicide for years but it's a horrible feeling knowing that if I did go virtually nobody would be affected. Immediate family, couple of friends, my cat and that's about it. I don't really mean anything to anyone and feel like I'm just going through life for the sake of it.

I've recently started saving towards a deposit for my own flat but as much as I know that's a positive thing all I keep thinking is "so what? you'll be lonely and miserable in somewhere you own instead of rent?" and the sad fact is that's true.

[shatteredhopes]

BIG HUGS and welcome to the forum! There are many caring people here and talking I have found helps me a lot.

So saving for your own flat, while it seems like it won't be an improvement, may actually be a big help. Maybe you can have a garden, and their is freedom in ownership to do things around the place you can't do as a renter, and you might find a fun hobby. Finding something you feel somewhat passionate about (as much as possible with depression) can help a lot I have found.

Have you considered therapy? To talk about the core issue that haunts you and helping you set goals and cope with depression better? Maybe back on meds if they helped before?

Another thing that helps me is finding little comforts...hot bubble baths frozen mochas old movies that are familiar and comforting to me music...whatever little things you enjoy a bit can help comfort during the depression, even though they aren't the same level of pleasure as when not depressed, little pleasures can mean a lot I have found. Something creative can be great too...journaling or blogging on this site, writing poetry, learning to play an instrument....whatever appeals to you.

Try also the chat room here. You have instant friends here and there who understand and offer support and that means a lot to those of us who have no one in 'real life' we can truly open up with.

Socializing a bit helps in the long run I think, hard as it is, to be around others. Just going for a cup of coffee or tea at a cafe with a book to read and being around strangers if nothing else...just a little human interaction.

Anyway, welcome, and I hope you find this site as helpful as I have. Talking about the issues and venting helps in letting go a bit and gives me a little release sometimes when nothing else will.

[Wonder]

((((((((((((((lowdown))))))))))))))

Your post really touched me and I could feel your loneliness. This is a good place to be and I think you'll find alot of support here. The chatroom can be very helpful also. I think it's really admirable how you have turned your financial situation around and I was wondering if maybe you could put some money into counseling - or maybe you have insurance that covers it? It's difficult to start counseling and to trust someone, but it helps to have someone who understands on your side that you can talk to, even if it doesn't make the depression magically go away.

Take care and hang in there,
With best wishes and hope,
Wonder

[lowdown]

Thanks for the welcome and support guys,

It really helped me to put that all into words & knowing that there are people out there who understand is great - especially if you don't feel you can open up to people around you.

I'm actually feeling a little better today - I got up first thing and saw my doctor. She was really nice and took the time to discuss things properly with me and ask how I thought we should proceed (I've had bad experiences with doctors in the past who have behaved in the opposite way). The fact that she's drop-dead gorgeous may have made it a bit easier to talk to her

Anyway, despite being reluctant at first I've agreed to give Prozac a try in the hope that it will help get me back on an even keel. I've also been referred to my local community mental health team for counselling as I really think I would benefit from being able to talk things out in full with someone.

I'm going to stay off work for the rest of the week but am planning to use the time to try and kick myself into gear - get some exercise, do some of the household jobs I've been putting off for months, go out for walks, just little positive things that will give me a sense of progress and achievement, no matter how small.

So, all in all things are looking a little bit brighter if not exactly sparkling. Once again, thanks for listening and I'll be back on soon (right now I think I'm going to go re-join the local library).

Take care guys.

[Peep212]

lowdown, welcome home. you are a part of our family now, and i hope you come often to vent, share, and help. this is who we are, a group of people that have had similar experiences to yours. it sounds to me like you are blaming yourself in part for not having had a good childhood, for your brother becoming the new target, and a few other things. hugs, and again, welcome home to a family that cares.