Depression Understood Forums

I'm writing cause I have nowhere else to turn at this point. I have recently separated from a husband who worships/loves me but I know I'm making him miserable with my depression. I have been sitting in my tiny apartment and once again my husband has visited and gone home frustrated and sad because he loves me and can't help me. He tells me to forget about my past (brother molested me, former battered wife, rape at 15) but I can't.
I cry all the time. I find joy in absolutely nothing. I am well enough to pull myself together for work, where I am happy-go-lucky, funny, and caring to people. Yet I am a complete fraud. I have done things in my past I regret and I ruminate on them. I think I should know how to take care of myself but I don't. I can solve everybodys problems but my own. Why????
My daughter and 4 year old grandaughter and my mom wanted to see me for Mother's day and again, I cancelled another get-together with them.
My bed is my oasis
Sleep is the sweetest escape for me, but it comes in small doses since I work a different shift every day. My sleep cycle is all messed up.
I thought my meds were working a little. Enough to function, but it seems I've crashed and can't function for the last 6 months.
My only hope is maybe a new med when I see my psychiatrist tomorrow.
I know people will tell me to see a therapist, but, I have seen 7 in my lifetime and all I do is sit there and give them the gory details of my abuse. No advice from them, I just talk, they listen, and collect their co-pay. I can't do that again.
Reading all your posts have been helpful. I feel selfish because alot of you have so much more stress than I.
I feel for all of you and wish I could help. I want to gather you onto my bed into my oasis of peace and quiet. We could eat Skinny-Cow ice cream cones, and watch Real Housewives!
It is comforting to know there is a support system out there.
Every nite I tell myself to get up and go to yoga class in the morning, but the morning comes and I am unable to force my brain out of the safe haven of my bed. With my t.v. and remote control, and a bottle of Klonopin on my nightstand just in case I get anxious. This is what I am. A person with incredible acting abilities. Noone knows my secret except you now. You and my cat. (Sometimes I think even he's judging me)
Any bedfellow advice welcome[/u]

Hi Tired, I'm glad that you decided to share your story with us. First thing is I want to say how brave you are. I've yet to post my story here. Though thinking about it more and more lately. It's people like you that give me the courage to want to do so.
You've been through some horrible experiences. And at the hands of your brother. It's always hard when those that we are suppose to trust hurt us like that. Makes it hard to trust anyone when the ones that count destroy that trust.
I know you are seperated from your husband. And I can understand why you've done so. It sounds like you may have ptsd from your past as well as depression. Can't diagnos you but it sounds like it to me. Being raped, molested and beat are all horrible events. Some times are probably better than others. It sounds like you still love your husband or you wouldn't be trying to do whats best for him by living by yourself. Your husband seems to love you very much to keep trying.
I dont know if you have nightmares of flashbacks or anything like that, they may cause you to withdraw from people, to be embarrased. People with ptsd or have suffered from truama like you have can't just forget. And being told to can be frustrating. (Personal experience). Maybe showing him something on it and how it affects a person and its not that easy will help?
I know going through therapy reliving the details can be like raking someone over the coals. And sometimes after appointments it can feel worse. And a therapist that sits there and just rights notes is not helpful. I have had several therapist myself and was fortunate enough to have found a great one.
He helped me realize the sickness I thought was mine, because so many others did it, it had to be wrong with me. He taught me that it was their sickness and if it hadn't been me it would have been someone else. I was just convienant. Also he had me to do a list of what things were like when I was being abused vs the present. Ways I was defenseless, and ways I could empower myself. How much older, wiser I was, how I wasn't at their mercy. How I could do things like mace, or take lessons, and take some control back.
And also if you have nightmares I've heard dream journals work good. Write down what you remember from the dream in a journal, and put it away. When I have a memory come up. I try to imagine myself putting it in a folder, and in the back of my mind, or back of a filing cabinet. There is hope, it does get better. You had a life with your husband for a while apparently, and now because these things are bothering you, you are trying to do whats best for him. But what is best for him is you. He'd probably rather be in the same room with you, even seeing what you are going through, rather than not know. Not knowing is sometimes the hardest.
In my relationships, I try to be upfront and honest, say I have this. And while I'm having this I may not be able to talk to you, I may have to tell you not right now. Please don't question me. I will come to you once I've processed it and I'm ready.
Just so you know, my sexual abuse came from my father and two cousins. And I've been in two physical abusive relationships. But I'm with someone who understands now. And gives me the space I need, or a hand when I need it.
Sometimes is worse than others for me, and klonopin has become my friend, and my house, sometimes my room my safe haven. I don't have a job, but I have a kid that makes me get outside sometimes. You truly aren't alone here. And you won't be judged. You won't be considered a fake. And when your around other people in your real life. I know it can feel like being a fake, but its a coping skill, defense mechanism. Please don't hold yourself at fault for that.
Also sometimes because of what others have done to us, we act in ways that before then we wouldn't have done. I did things I regret too. But its the cause and action type deal. Beating yourself up for it, isn't going to help. Learn from it, put it away, and move forward the best you can. I know I'm just a stranger on here to you, but my heart goes out to you. And I can tell you it does get better. And if some of this is off base I'm sorry. Please do share more with us. Vent, get your feelings out. Don't keep them in. We're here. We're listening. You don't have to be silent.

Holly

you are very brave to share this with us, hugs (((((tired))))) ,,and you have been thru a lot ,
i can almost feel that pain ,,hollyann has covered everything here very well ,,but i would just like to add this ,,have a read around the forum and you will see your story is one you will see time and time again here ,,so dont feel alone in that world you find yourself locked away in ,,we understand your pain ,,and we will give you all the support we can ,,i to know all to well how to wear those masks we use to get thru our dark days without showing others our pain ,,happiness ,,smiling ,coping whilst inside we cry and hurt ,,,and call out silently for help !!
you will make many new freinds here as i have ,,and the warmth of the forum will hopefully give you some comfort ,,,please keep posting and if you should stumble on this dark road we all travel ,,then reach out and we/I will catch your fall ,,many times i have thought i would never see the light or feel happy again ,,but about 6 weeks ago my depression lifted after 45 years ,,and i feel pretty good ,,and believe me i to have suffered much ,,and have created many of my own demons ,,dont give up ,,if it happened for me it can happen for us all !!! hugs again and WELCOME HOME TIRED2010,,,lots of love xn728 ,,,ken xxx

(((tired))) Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are incredibly brave to do so. I am also an sa survivor and I share many of your same feelings. I would love to eat Skinny Cow with you and watch Housewives (I like the Housewives of New York and Orange County the best!). The people I have met here are wonderful: so warm, caring and supportive. You will get to know them too as I know they will reach out to you.