My Story.

[Mystified]

Well, I have been here for a good 4 months or so. Figure it is about time to share my story. I think I followed the rules on here. Apologies if I have not.

My whole life I have never had any emotional ties to anything. Whether it is ties to family, friends, or anything that should make me feel proud or happy of what I did like... I dunno, graduating or getting a drivers license. I constantly wear a guise of happiness around everyone, but when I'm alone the mask slips off, and I'm back to being nothing but a shell, living in the darkness of my room.

This lack of emotion was sort of broken by a very special girl I met. She was funny, smart, beautiful, a little nerdy. I treated her the best I could for the last three years of my life. I wished on everything superstitious that we would be together forever.

We did everything together, people often joked about us being attached at the hip. We decided to go to the same university where I wanted to take biology. After the second year of university rolled around, I decided that I didn't like what I was doing, and told her I was going to drop out after first semester. She didn't voice any concerns, everything just kind of went along.

During the winter break between semesters she suddenly grew very distant from me. I just thought she wanted to visit family and friends and I was cool with that. Mind you, I was not a control freak. Together, we even booked a flight where I would visit her at school.

I get there and she doesn't seem very happy to see me, actually the first thing she said after "hi", went something like, "when are you leaving?" But yea, time comes that it's time for me to go home, she tells me she loves me and kissed me goodbye. At this point is was praying, hoping that she was just busy.

I call her 3 days after I get home, and she blindsides me saying that were breaking up. I was completely destroyed by this, I couldn't think of anything to say, so she said bye, and hung up. Trying to get ahold of her was impossible unless I texted her, where it was officially ended. (Yea, after 3 years of worshipping her it ends in texts.)

Well anyway, it's been 5 months since she broke up with me and I'm back in this emotionally vegetable state with a giant void inside me, pain is all I feel now.

Every waking moment I think about ending it. The injury I inflict upon myself, a constant reminder that I had messed up the one thing I had done right in my life. I look at objects laying around my house and think about creative ways to end myself, with that item.

I've come close more times I can count on both my hands. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is that thought of her feeling guilty and the want to feel something other than pain, but even these are losing their novelty very quickly.

And the dreams I have... they are the worst, sometimes I dream about her with me, us in bed cuddling or something, only to wake up and realize I will never feel that ever again. I have dreams where I follow through with ending myself, and I swear, they are the best dreams I've ever had, until I wake up and find myself still in this world.

But anyway, I have to stop typing, my eyes are getting foggy from looking at a picture of us during prom, remembering what her dress felt like, and after when we I had to pull out the pins holding her hair in place, and how we laughed at her hair after as it was hard as a rock from all the hairspray. I know she is lost to me forever, and I must suffer through the rest of my existence, (hopefully) cut short or not.

[Peep212]

mysti, thanks fro sharing that withus. i am quite touched by it, and hope to hear more from you...hugs

[Obayan]

Mysti, you are a very warm and loving person who has a lot to offer someone. I hope you don't give up. You never know what the future brings. I know it sounds trite, but it's so very true hon. Grieve for your loss. Take as long as you need. And know that we are here and we love you.

[Mystified]

There are many things I want to say right now. But I cannot. I just want to sleep with the room. The nightmares to leave me alone. But I am barred from the one place where I feel alive.

[hollyann]

((((((((Mystified))))))))))) you are cared about. I'm sorry you are going through all this. Its not your failing but hers. Please remember that. You can't fix what you didnt know was wrong, she could have came to you. Relationships only work if both people try and devoted to it. It sounds like you were more than devoted to her. So the failing is not on your shoulders.

Holly

[Mich]

I am so sorry you are suffering this pain.

[SOUP]

The worst thing is holding on to someone who doesn´t want to be held on to.

The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention. There are many things that this relationship made very clear for you. One is that you are worthy of love, and that you are an amazingly sweet and caring boyfriend. That is something that NOBODY can take away from you.

Be strong Mystified, and give it time. Please do not do the unthinkable.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( Mystified ))))))))))))))))))

Thought maybe a warm hug would help you today!

Warmie