Not really expecting a miracle!

[expectingamiraclenow]

Hi Everyone,
I am a 44 year old single mother. I have 3 beautiful children ages 6,7 and 8, two boys and a girl in the middle. I have been depressed since I was 13 and then suffered with an eating disorder for most of my life but that part is not so bad right now. We live with my mother who for the most part has been supporting us except for food stamps and such. I have been on almost every medication available but recently went off it since we moved back to Texas and I haven't been to the free clinic yet to probably try yet one more.
What is going on now is that my mother who is going through a divorce after 43 years is blaming it all on me. She says if I hadn't turned into such a pain in the ass at the age of 13, she would still have a marriage. She is none to happy to have us living with her and pretty much lets me know it on a regular basis which only serves to further depress me since I have about $20 to my name and no other place to go or friends to speak of. To say I feel utterly alone in my misery would be a gross understatement.
Of course, my children just love me to death though I'm often at a loss as to why that would be. I try to do all I can to make their lives happy but am constantly depressed about the little I can afford them. This week two of my children who are in 2nd grade have to dress up as vocabulary words, my boy's is football and my daughter's is president. At the present moment I am at a complete loss of how the hell I am going to manage to pull that one off and am totally overwhelmed about it. The best I think right now is that I may be able to find something at the thrift store for cheap that would work. I wish the schools would not throw this crap at parents since not all of us are overflowing with creativity and or money.
Anyway, I could use a friend. Anyone at all who is out there who can let me know that I am not totally alone. I've decided to fast for as long as I can. I don't know why I think this will help. It's probably just my eating disorder kicking back in when I need it to. I'll take it because the hunger gives me something else to think about and in some way it gives expression to what is inside of me. I'm only 120 lbs now so a few weeks from now should see me much thinner. I used to like the attention I got from being super thin but it doesn't excite me anymore. I guess I used to think that something miraculous would happen when I got down to that magic number but too many years have passed to believe that anymore. If anything it is just a distraction now. Something I can focus on to stop from crying. Well, that's all for now.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( expectingamiraclenow ))))))))))))))))))

Hi, welcome! This is a good forum, people that give support. Sometimes it is busy busy, other days, not so much. We also have a chat room connected with this forums, lots of people, very supportive people that care and are there for each other. I do hope you get in there and give it a try.

Once settled in, can you apply for ssi, believe that is what it is called, help with housing, medical care, food? Just wondering. Didn't know if you had to live in the area for a certain amount of time or not. Just a thought.

Hope to talk with you again, please take care,

Warmie

[expectingamiraclenow]

Yes I'm thinking of what I can apply for. I applied for TANF but was excused from the work program in the last state because my doctor wrote that it he thought it would be detrimental to my therapy. It was very little money anyway but everything helps. The last time I tried to apply for disability with I think is SSI I had gone off my meds and I had to be on them to prove I was sick I guess. Personally I can't really tell which way is better on or off the meds. Well, at least I got my mother to apologize for her behavior but I had to practically suck it out of her so I'm not sure if that counts. Anyway it's only a matter of time before she gets drunk and lets me have it again. "Last weekend she said "Get the hell out of my house, I'm tired of helping you out" and then kept walking by me and asking "What are you still doing here?" I don't have a car so I guess she just expected me to grab my kids and just head on down the road. Oh well, all I can pray is that I hit the lottery. That literally seems like my only hope so I guess that means there isn't any. Anyway sorry to go on. There is just no one to talk to here.

[Mich]

Hi Expectingamiraclenow - I am a 46 year old mother of 2 with anorexia and severe depression. It pains me to hear that you are starting to march down that road again by starting a fast. This is a very destructive coping mechanism and a very dangerous one at that. I worry about you and what should happen to your children were you to fall seriously ill. They love you and need you as a healthy mom. I know that in depression it is often hard for us to "be good to ourselves" so if you cannot do it for yourself, can you do it for those precious kids that love you so much? That's what I have to do and although it is very hard, I try to keep their welfare at the top of my mind.
I am glad you have found this forum. There are many kind souls here who will support you and lend you their ear.

[expectingamiraclenow]

I am eating, by 8 at night I just couldn't stand it anymore. It's too hard to fast when the kids need me for so many things. I walked a few miles this morning. If I exercise at all I usually jog and that keeps me under 120. I would not mind losing 10 pounds so I'm just eating somewhat less than usual. I can never eat a lot too much anyway since that would just make me sick as well. I'm sure you know what I mean. Well, I feel somewhat better today. I told my mother today that there was only so much I could take, meaning I'm already depressed and I don't need you adding to it. She even did the dishes for me tonight which was a surprise since usually, I have to do everything and she does absolutely nothing. Anyway, thank you for writing. A person needs to know that they are not alone. Just knowing that helps so much. I think a little hope has creeped back into me.

[Wonder]

(((((((((((((((((Expecting)))))))))))))))
I am pretty new to this site too and have found the people here to be very helpful. You really have alot to deal with and I hope you can find support around you somehow. I don't have anything really helpful to say, but I'm hoping for the best for you.
Take care,
Wonder

[expectingamiraclenow]

Yes, I have a lot but the last day or so has been better. I even started a blog today. Nobody really wants to hear about how bad anyone has it so I tried to bypass my depression and focus on something that happened a couple years ago that all but annihilated my depression and problems. Unfortunately it only lasted two weeks. It was a sort of cosmic experience I had and was very cool. Maybe I could post it here sometime for others to read. The whole blog is going to be about what happened to cause the shift and basically what it will take to get back there. I'm hoping it will help me get back there because as of yet I haven't figured out how to or if it's even possible. If anyone wants to read it, let me know though I just started so it's only one days worth describing what happened. Anyway Wonder, thanks for you words, everything helps to ease the pain.