Depression Understood Forums

Yep, here I am, having moved back to Colorado from tne northwest, not having found anything there to relieve me from my unemployment. Just sitting here, in my folks's place, tapping away at the computer and surfing the web (OR, writing these lines)......really don't know where my mind's headed these days--like, yesterday I lost my one good gatsby hat, somewhere between the grocery store and home.

Oh, I've been depressed big time these past seven years, wasn't that emotionally stable before, but since the loss of my last major job (on an unfounded charge) I've been sooooo downhill--the disgrace has been too much to assess.

Where would you rather be than Colorado?

I WILL say this, as it's now snapped my mind into an outside-self-thought frame:

Friday I'd come home from a couple of hours out of the house, having attended to a couple of tasks (even considering doing the week's vacuuming in my space downstairs, but for my mother sleeping upstairs). I saw my dad doing the lawnmowing outside, being almost done when I came home. I had thoughts of offering to finish it for him, except that when I helped him with the first spring mowing last week, he got so impatient about my lack of memory of how his mower operated that he hotheadedly grabbed it from me, hollered & finished it himself. Well, today I went in the house without a word.

And I went in, thinking of writing these lines and regretfully thinking back to the times I was in my early teens and him growling like a rabid dog just because I was hoeing out the weeds from the beanfield too slowly. Hey, I was just past pubescence by that time & swore that no one would ever make me bawl like a gradeschooler, but damned if he didn't accomplish that......I was so pissed afterward, and thus a definite emotional wall was set up between us.

Anyway, just after walking into the house, mom sorta chided me for not helping him.

I just can't win.