Coping with a depressed spouse

[kali101]

I am new to this, so not sure if I'm writing where I should be.

I have been married for 12 years, with my wife for 20. We have 2 little girls. I believe within the last 6 months, she has severe depression.
We saw my doctor and a counselor, and they both said she is depressed. I have a few friends in the medical field and they agree also. She has most of the signs.
I guess what confuses me, is she told me she just fell out of love with me and her feelings changed. Is this her true feelings, or the depression, is she pushing me away. Mind you, 6 month ago we moved into a new house and she told me how happy she was, and how much she loved me. There is no 3rd party. She has never been unhappy before. We have(had) a great marriage, never fight, and get along great.
She has become very selfish. I tell her we have to try to work it out for the kids and she just says she is sick of living unhappy, she wants to be happy.
Her brother is a nurse, and he agrees. He said it sounds like depression.
She has been on wellbutrin for 3 weeks and it's doing nothing for her.
I don't know if it's to early or not the right medicine..
This is really hard.
Is there anybody who has been depressed, or a spouse coping with a depressed spouse who can give any advice?

Thanks
RP

[xn728]

My dear freind ,ive been severly deppressed for 44 years ,but even now to try and explain how your wife may be feeling is not easy ,,we all suffer in differant ways ,,of her love for you i dont know the answer ,,but let me try to give you a little idea ,of what it may be like ,,imangine you are locked in a glass box ,and you see yourself ,connected to strings ,and your everyday actions controlled by some invisible pupeteer ,and you see yourself doing ,and feeling things your not in control of ,,you bang on the glass so hard and shout to all your freinds and family ,that your trapped in there and cant get out ,,you see your emotions scattered around the floor and want to pick them up but no matter how hard you try you cant reach them,,, this is no excuse for us to get away we just what we want ,but it is terrible to wake each morning and not know how were gonna feel ,maybe she sick of being unhappy with depression and not meaning you ,when the darkness fills our minds it makes us blind and we dont see clearly ,this is a little of the confusing world we struggle to live in ,,
I know it must be very hard for you and im sorry ,,but you must show great understanding at this time ,,and show your loved one how much you care and love them ,,there are many sites on the net for carers and try and talk to someone ,,i hope this may have helped ,i really do ,,
best wishes,,,,hugs lots of love ken xxx,,,,,kali101,,,i hope you get more replys so you can see how it is ,,,,wishes ken,,,Sorry i forgot to add this ,,i have never taken the medication you menstoined but most can take 4 to 6 weeks to work ,,and it may not be suitable and trying something else may be nessarcery ,,,good luck ,,im sure it will work out
Thinking of you at this time ,,,

[kali101]

Ken, thank you for the reply. My heart goes out to all who suffer from this disease. God Bless you. I have spoken to enough people, but it helps mostly to talk to someone who is or has been depressed, because it helps me understand what they are thinking.
I know everyone is different. I just wasn't sure if these were her true feelings or if it was the depression. It's confusing to me because 1 minute she will tell me how unhappy she is, then a couple of hours later she taking me out for lunch or bringing me something home to eat.
Sp I know there is some feelings there. Just today, she told her aunt, nothing can make her happy right now. Thats when I realized these aren't her true feelings towards me, I believe it's depression.
I'm hanging in there as much as I can. Always tell her I'm there for her. She just hasn't opened up to me yet.
Good luck to you also. God be with you for being with this for 44 years. I hope all is well for you. Thank you for the encouragement.

[xn728]

Your very welcome my freind ,im glad i could write it in a way you understand ,,you your self will have to be strong ,,and you will be tested , a mood can change in minutes ,even a simple task like shopping can seem like such a mountain to climb ,i could go on but i wont ,i can feel you know what im saying ,and you will be a good support for your wife ,i know that to ,,please ask anything of me and i will try to help ,,,lots of love ken ,,,,,take care my thoughts are with you xxx
hugs (((((kali101)))))

[Mich]

Kali101 - I believe it is the depression talking as I have had the same feelings about my husband and my life. By all accounts, I have everything going for me in life with a loving home etc but I just don't feel it at all. My whole world is colored black and that includes my feelings for others. You sound like a very loving and caring person who will be a great support for his wife. She is going to need you now for sure. I also take Wellbutrin and I do recall it taking a bit of time to start working. I hope your wife starts feeling some relief soon.

[kali101]

Mich/ Ken - Thank you. That helps me understand, since you have been there. Today she had a really bad day. Told me she is thinking about getting a lawyer, and looking for an apartment. I am trying so hard, but don't know how much fight I have left. After being together for 20 years, married for 12, she also told me today, she thinks she married the wrong person. I hope thats probably the depression talking, but I can't help the pain I feel. I feel like I am losing the fight. I look at my kids, 9 and 5, and just want to cry. She said she will finish this bottle of wellbutrin and thats it. Has 2 weeks left, which will make it a total of 5 weeks. I'm praying for a miracle in 2 weeks. She goes to the doctor on friday, again, praying he can help, he knows everything. Keep in mind also, we have never even fought in 20 years, just your miner things. We get along great. Her family is worried sick about her. And there is nothing I can do. Maybe she needs to hit rock bottom, I don't know what that will be, and hope it wont be to late. If she chooses to get an apartment, how do you be strong and supportive?
Mich, if you don't mind me asking, how are you now? You seem like you shared the same feelings as my wife. How did you decide to get help?
Again, thank you both.
Rich

[xn728]

hey rich ,,it sounds like your really up against it right now ,,,and you know i dont know what its like to feel things from your side as it were ,,you see ive always sheilded my family from my pain ,as a husband and the man everyone exspects me to be strong,so even in pain i have had to wear the mask of happyness ,you have just got to hang on and work your way through it ,i cant see your wifes depression ,,and i know from my freinds here ,,it is differant for everyone ,,mich is a dear freind of mine ,,and ,she wont mind me saying she does suffer greatly ,,,
and as bad as my pain is ,,i know hers is greater ,,being a mother and wife ,and having to be at the running end of the household must be a great pressure ,,((((hey mich hope you dont mind me talking like this hugs (((((mich))))),,,,ken ))),,im just trying to let rich now how it can be ,,
all i can do rich is just,say be very patient ,,when your wife talks like this ,,is it possible to maybe ask why she would feel better in a flat ,,and ask about the way she feels in general ,,just carefully and dont be to pushy ,,it doent sound like much help does it rich ,,such a shame we cant sit down and have a chat ,,you know what im saying ,,please be strong i dont have all the answers ,but i know this deppression is very cunning and it will make your wife think and say the most out of charactor things .
20 years is a long time, ive been married 30 ,,,dont you give in for anything ,,please talk to us and as i said before ,,anything you feel you want to ask please feel free ,,,,best wishes and hugs (((((rich)))),,,lots of love ken xxx

[kali101]

Thanks Ken. I am hanging in there. When I do ask my wife why she is so unhappy, she just tells me her feelings changed, she doesn't know why, and fell out of love with me. But never really gives me a reason why, just that they changed. But I've seen numerous doctors, we started going to counseling, she quit, I still go. Everyone is telling me she has depression. It seems that Mich has had the same exact feelings. I spoke to a female doctor who comes into my work, she suffered from depression, and said she told her husband the exact same stuff. I just wish my wife would see it. I would get the best doctors, medicine, whatever it takes. Like you Ken, she is my whole life, and I feel like she is slipping away. She has afamily history of depression, and an aunt who suffered a nervous breakdown.. I am trying so hard, but feel like I am losing the fight.. Thank you both for listening.
Rich

[Mich]

Kali101 - if I were in your shoes I would be strongly encouraging her to get some help. Tell her that with the right help, you can feel better....more like your old self. Now help usually includes medications and therapy. If the Wellbutrin doesn't work after 6 weeks, she should go to her doctor and ask for a different one. What works for some, does not work for others. Does she ever have any manic periods...that is where she is at the other end of the spectrum: full of energy, no sleep, can't slow down?
I am not a good yardstick to use as a comparison. I was in therapy for 4 years before I trusted my therpist enought to start dealing with my childhood trauma with him. I have only just started this work which is very painful and so I am in an awful place most of the time. I understand it will get better the more I talk about it.
I feel for you, I really do. This must be so hard on you to hear that your wife's feelings have changed. Again, I do think this can be rather common with depression. During all of this difficult time, you must carve out time to look after yourself. This is critical. You need to stay healthy yourself for your best chance at helping her. Please update soon. You are in my thoughts.

[kali101]

Mich, thanks again for the help. Well, she is off wellbutrin, as it did the opposite for her. She flipped out on me last wednesday, telling me she is not crazy or depressed.She was thinking of going to a lawyer. She is just so unhappy, and it's getting worse. Well, she already told me she fell out of love with me, what could be worse. A guy that I know whose wife went through this, said it's her feeling of hopelessness.
She flipped out on her mother the next day. I have never seen her like that in the 20 yrs I've known her.
The doctor took her off wellbutrin, and put her on cymbalta. Start with 30mg first week, then 60mgs. But wants to talk to her after week 1.
My only guess is he finally knows its bad and wants to monitor her (only guessing)
My question is, we get along great. But one minute she is telling me she is unhappy, a couple hours later, we are watching tv, laughing together.
Well, at least she told the doctor she was getting worse. She has only been on cymbalta for 4 days now. At least she isn't flipping out.
Again, thanks for your help so far. As I said before, I'm just trying to understand if she really feels this way, or is it the depression.
Thank you, and I hope all is well for you...

[Mich]

Kali101 - please make sure to tell her doctor about the way her mood swings like that (happy and laughing one minute and then hopeless and cruel the next). I think it is a very crucial piece of information.
I have heard of several people who Wellbutrin has not been good for. In fact, it can make people worse. It's good your wife is trying something else. I take Cymbalta and that has helped me. Hopefully this will be a good med for your wife. Take good care and hang in there. I wish you the best.

[kali101]

Well here is an update. My wife has been on cymbalta for 11 days now. So far so good. I don't want to get my hopes up though. I don't think she has cried at all. And for the most part hasn't said many negative comments.
I am always waiting (as I have for the last 5 months) for her to tell me she wants to have a talk about how unhappy she is, but nothing yet.
Over the weekend, we took the kids to a museum in rochester, we all had a great time. The next day, she told me we had a really good weekend, but reality was setting in again. (i am guessing she is going to have ups and downs until the medication fully kicks in) because then we had another good day. That was really the only negative comment.
Again, my heart goes out to anyone suffering, or helping a spouse get through this.
I am hanging in there. I married her for better or worse, and hopefully this is our worse.
I guess I'm just not to sure what to expect from the medication. After dealing with this for the last 5 months, I almost feel like she is putting on a front now to make me happy. But I don't totally think so.
She is talking to me and laughing, so these are good signs.

[Mich]

Kali101 - I am so happy to read that things are looking better. I really think her thoughts are due to the depression. I had a thought this week that I was going to go in and tell my therapist that I don't want to be married anymore. I have a very good husband but I don't feel any good feelings anymore. I know this is my depression talking so I won't express this to my husband. I hope this darkness continues to clear for your wife and that she comes to realize that her depression had a very negative voice. I feel your pain as well and I know it is the same pain that my husband and kids feel. I hope you are coping as best you can. I think it is excellent that you are going to therapy. My husband did that in the beginning too. I hope you keep it up. It can provide a great sounding board and some really valuable emotional support for you. I hope things continue on the upswing. Take care, Mich.

[kali101]

Mich, Thank you,. Thank you for sharing your thoughts also. This helps me put things in perspective with what my wife is thinking. I am taking it one day at a time, and I know she will still have bad days. I will say a prayer for you and your family also. At least you know its your depression talking, not that it makes things better for you. I don't think my wife realizes it, she just thinks this is the way she feels. Well, like I said, day by day. I thank God he gave me 12 good days in a row with her. Again, I hope you guys can work through this also. Keep me posted, as I will due the same..
Rich

[kali101]

Mich, Sorry but I have a question for you. I don't know many other females who are going through or went through depression. So if you don't mind, if I may ask. My wife has been on cymbalta for 12 days now, today she had a bad day, telling me again, her feelings aren't changing and she doesn't know what to do. Now again, she had 12 fairly good days.
Part of what I'm asking, until the medication fully kicks in, do you still have bad days.
Last month, about 2-3 days before that time of the month for her, she did almost the same thing, said it's getting worse. Well, its about 2-3 days before it again. I know you are not a doctor, but you seem to understand this. Do you think her monthly time could be playing a factor here.
Two days ago, we spent the day shopping and eating lunch together, why didn't she bring up the "talk" then. It would have been the perfect time.
I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm wondering if this has something to do with it.
Any advise, I appreciate it...
Rich