Coping with a depressed spouse
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Hello Mich,
Thank you. I am pretty much living day by day, since I'm not sure what kind of mood my wife will be in. When she is good, I have a good day. With the exception of last thursday, (which I wrote about to you previously) she has been pretty good.
I guess, without getting to personal, our only hangup, there is no intimacy. She says she doesnt look at me like that anymore. But what confuses me, is that we joke, laugh, and have a great time with each other. We are "best friends" and thats what marriage becomes.
I just don't know, like I said before, if these are her true feelings, or is it the depression. She says she doesn't know what to do. So, obviously there is something holding us together.
She said the doctor told her she wasn't depressed, just stressed out.
Then why give her cymbalta? And I also noticed cymbalta is for general anxiety disorder, which describes her to a tee. She worries excessively about everything.
In a nutshell, I'm surviving and fighting. Thats all I can do..
Thanks, how are you....?
Thank you. I am pretty much living day by day, since I'm not sure what kind of mood my wife will be in. When she is good, I have a good day. With the exception of last thursday, (which I wrote about to you previously) she has been pretty good.
I guess, without getting to personal, our only hangup, there is no intimacy. She says she doesnt look at me like that anymore. But what confuses me, is that we joke, laugh, and have a great time with each other. We are "best friends" and thats what marriage becomes.
I just don't know, like I said before, if these are her true feelings, or is it the depression. She says she doesn't know what to do. So, obviously there is something holding us together.
She said the doctor told her she wasn't depressed, just stressed out.
Then why give her cymbalta? And I also noticed cymbalta is for general anxiety disorder, which describes her to a tee. She worries excessively about everything.
In a nutshell, I'm surviving and fighting. Thats all I can do..
Thanks, how are you....?
Kali101 - With depression, "all things intimate" for me went out the door. My desire is zero. I go along with things for my husband's sake but my heart is not in it. The depression has robbed this from me and so could be the case with your wife. Also some medications have the side effect of reducing sex drive...I know Prozac does, not sure about Cymbalta...I've never looked. I am surprised that they have said she is not depressed. Have you ever gone online and looked at the checklist for depression. Apparently if you have 5 out of 7 (or something like that) of the symptoms consistently for more than 2 weeks, you are classified as depressed. I wonder what criteria she is not meeting?
The ups and downs must be hard for you I'm sure. Hang in there.
The ups and downs must be hard for you I'm sure. Hang in there.
Mich,
Thanks again. As far as the symptoms, she did have most. And the doctor knows this. (Unhappy,crying, hopelessness, tired, lack of interest, loss of weight) the main ones. The only one she didn't have, suicidal.. The hopelessness, I would always ask her, why don't we start dating again, spending time together ourselves, she will say, "it's too late, it's not gonna work" to me, thats hopeless, no good outlook for the future.
The doctor knows all this. So my guess, she faked him in the office, but 4 weeks ago she admitted she was stressed and depressed, or he told her she was stressed and not depressed so he didn't scare her off.
The up and downs are hard, because when we are having a good day, I'm waiting for her to tell me she is unhappy again.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me...
Rich
Thanks again. As far as the symptoms, she did have most. And the doctor knows this. (Unhappy,crying, hopelessness, tired, lack of interest, loss of weight) the main ones. The only one she didn't have, suicidal.. The hopelessness, I would always ask her, why don't we start dating again, spending time together ourselves, she will say, "it's too late, it's not gonna work" to me, thats hopeless, no good outlook for the future.
The doctor knows all this. So my guess, she faked him in the office, but 4 weeks ago she admitted she was stressed and depressed, or he told her she was stressed and not depressed so he didn't scare her off.
The up and downs are hard, because when we are having a good day, I'm waiting for her to tell me she is unhappy again.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me...
Rich
Kali101-from a depressed wife's point of view.
My husband and I have been together for 15 yrs..married 9 yrs. We have so much history together and I love him dearly and with all my heart. Today, we came home from work, I made dinner, we watched comedy on tv while we ate together and had a lot of laughs...after dinner, he played computer games while I watched tv. He got up to use the restroom but before he went, he came over and gave me a kiss on my forehead..I loved him for that..before I went to set the coffee timer for my hubby, I went over to him at the computer and kissed him on his forehead and told him that I love him. We do this every day..and we never get tired of it. You can tell that we love eachother very much. But tonight, after I set the timer, I told him that I was going to bed. I gave him another kiss and went to bed...I couldn't sleep so I skimmed through my magazine. I got a little tired so I shut the light off and closed my eyes. He came to bed just 30 min later. I told him that I wanted to talk. Throughout this whole day, I had this anxiety feeling. This feeling that I just can't shake off but I didnt want to express it because it was a feeling that I knew that he just wouldn't understand. So tried to shrug it off. But when I was laying in bed, i just needed to talk out my feelings. He didn't want to because he wanted to sleep. That made me even more angry eventhough I knew that it was bad timing...at that moment, I just needed to talk. I just needed to tell him what I was feeling regardless if it was good or bad. I just needed to get it out of me...I hate myself for the things that I said because i escalated nothing into something. I hurt him with words that I don't even understand why myself. Eventhough I love him soooo much, at the end of the talk turn to argument, I want a divorce because I feel super awful about him having to endure my suffering of nothing...I just truly want him to be happy. I have not been diagnosed with depression. I have not seen a specialist. I know I am depressed...I try to cope...it is very hard..especially when you're a woman..especially when its around her menstrual cycle...the hormones get super wacky. Its 2:46 am CST now and my husband is sleeping...I want to get into bed and hold him, but I also have this anger feeling at him..I just don't know why. he is a patient man...but i worry that i will drive him away and i'm sure your wife feels the same way...she loves you..please continue to support her.
My husband and I have been together for 15 yrs..married 9 yrs. We have so much history together and I love him dearly and with all my heart. Today, we came home from work, I made dinner, we watched comedy on tv while we ate together and had a lot of laughs...after dinner, he played computer games while I watched tv. He got up to use the restroom but before he went, he came over and gave me a kiss on my forehead..I loved him for that..before I went to set the coffee timer for my hubby, I went over to him at the computer and kissed him on his forehead and told him that I love him. We do this every day..and we never get tired of it. You can tell that we love eachother very much. But tonight, after I set the timer, I told him that I was going to bed. I gave him another kiss and went to bed...I couldn't sleep so I skimmed through my magazine. I got a little tired so I shut the light off and closed my eyes. He came to bed just 30 min later. I told him that I wanted to talk. Throughout this whole day, I had this anxiety feeling. This feeling that I just can't shake off but I didnt want to express it because it was a feeling that I knew that he just wouldn't understand. So tried to shrug it off. But when I was laying in bed, i just needed to talk out my feelings. He didn't want to because he wanted to sleep. That made me even more angry eventhough I knew that it was bad timing...at that moment, I just needed to talk. I just needed to tell him what I was feeling regardless if it was good or bad. I just needed to get it out of me...I hate myself for the things that I said because i escalated nothing into something. I hurt him with words that I don't even understand why myself. Eventhough I love him soooo much, at the end of the talk turn to argument, I want a divorce because I feel super awful about him having to endure my suffering of nothing...I just truly want him to be happy. I have not been diagnosed with depression. I have not seen a specialist. I know I am depressed...I try to cope...it is very hard..especially when you're a woman..especially when its around her menstrual cycle...the hormones get super wacky. Its 2:46 am CST now and my husband is sleeping...I want to get into bed and hold him, but I also have this anger feeling at him..I just don't know why. he is a patient man...but i worry that i will drive him away and i'm sure your wife feels the same way...she loves you..please continue to support her.
MianLee,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. If I can get personal for a minute, what was your 'talk' about. My wifes talk is that her feelings changed for me and doesn't know why, and doesn't know what to do. Said there is no other guy. Like you, we are so in love. She seemed so happy, especially when we moved.
What I don't understand, because I don't fully understand depression, and thats why I'm worried that she could have possibly just fallen out of love with me, or is the depression talking, she will have this 'talk' with me, cry a little, tell me she doesn't want to hurt me, then an hour or two later, we are going out for lunch together, laughing and having fun.
We have lost all intimacy, she says because she doesn't look at me like that anymore, but lately she has been talking about it quite a bit. She lets me rub her feet and back. I ask myself, why let me do this if you have no feelings in that way for me anymore.
I guess what I'm asking, for you, and any other females going through or who went through depression, what did or do you feel towards your spouse. Does my story sound familiar to anyones.
My wife has been on cymbalta for 4 weeks now. Her crying has slowed down, she seems a bit better. But tells me her feelings aren't changing. I hope it's still early. Can anyone shed some light on this for me...
I am fighting so hard to keep her. Some days I feel like I am losing.
I love her more than anything, and she knows. I love my 2 kids dearly.
We never fight, and get along great. We have a lot of fun and laughs, and I just don't understand...
Thank you MianLee and anyone else who can help....
Rich
Thank you so much for sharing your story. If I can get personal for a minute, what was your 'talk' about. My wifes talk is that her feelings changed for me and doesn't know why, and doesn't know what to do. Said there is no other guy. Like you, we are so in love. She seemed so happy, especially when we moved.
What I don't understand, because I don't fully understand depression, and thats why I'm worried that she could have possibly just fallen out of love with me, or is the depression talking, she will have this 'talk' with me, cry a little, tell me she doesn't want to hurt me, then an hour or two later, we are going out for lunch together, laughing and having fun.
We have lost all intimacy, she says because she doesn't look at me like that anymore, but lately she has been talking about it quite a bit. She lets me rub her feet and back. I ask myself, why let me do this if you have no feelings in that way for me anymore.
I guess what I'm asking, for you, and any other females going through or who went through depression, what did or do you feel towards your spouse. Does my story sound familiar to anyones.
My wife has been on cymbalta for 4 weeks now. Her crying has slowed down, she seems a bit better. But tells me her feelings aren't changing. I hope it's still early. Can anyone shed some light on this for me...
I am fighting so hard to keep her. Some days I feel like I am losing.
I love her more than anything, and she knows. I love my 2 kids dearly.
We never fight, and get along great. We have a lot of fun and laughs, and I just don't understand...
Thank you MianLee and anyone else who can help....
Rich
Kali101 - When my hubby is too comfortable..and lacks in giving me attention, I get self concious and I start to think why are we still together when I don't feel a spark. Its ok that the spark is not there all the time..but the reason why I married him was because I wanted to live with him, wake up to him, and feel the love that I felt before we married...the feeling that we are the only two that have the most love...I wanted to talk out my feelings and frustration. He doesn't want to listen..he never wants to listen..I'm only taking up his precious "Sleep" time. Its the fact that I can't talk to him..I can't share my feelings and frustration with him. I never have and that hurts. I'm sure you're different.
When I'm drepressed, all my feelings go haywire. Theres no end to the heartache, anxiety, and coldsweat. I start thinking about why we aren't like what we used to be..and if we can't be..why can't we move on..like have a family. He doesn't want a family yet, we've been together for 15 yrs. I feel like I'm waiting for a family that will never happen and I feel like the love that we "had" before marriage is gone...thats when I start to bring up..divorce...but then I can't...because the history is too much..and I don't want to let all that go..so here is my depression..a chunk of what I want is gone..and Its sooooo hard for me to get it..in any way.
How often does she have these emotional breaksdown? The next time she feels like she wants to leave you...tell her to tell you all her emotions that are running through her..they may not make sense..but it may help her to relax and realize what she is saying..I have the internet to journal..because my husband don't want to talk about it with me..it hurts..
When I'm drepressed, all my feelings go haywire. Theres no end to the heartache, anxiety, and coldsweat. I start thinking about why we aren't like what we used to be..and if we can't be..why can't we move on..like have a family. He doesn't want a family yet, we've been together for 15 yrs. I feel like I'm waiting for a family that will never happen and I feel like the love that we "had" before marriage is gone...thats when I start to bring up..divorce...but then I can't...because the history is too much..and I don't want to let all that go..so here is my depression..a chunk of what I want is gone..and Its sooooo hard for me to get it..in any way.
How often does she have these emotional breaksdown? The next time she feels like she wants to leave you...tell her to tell you all her emotions that are running through her..they may not make sense..but it may help her to relax and realize what she is saying..I have the internet to journal..because my husband don't want to talk about it with me..it hurts..
kali, i had an ex like that. she would go through mood swings, and when feeling really good, not take her meds, and when she hit a low, the med level in her system wasnt enough to help her. once your wife is stabilized on her meds and she has the right med level, those rough downswings wont last as long or be as bad. the best help i can think of for you to help her would be to get involved with her meds, set clocks for you to remind her of her meds or get them for her yourself. this will show your willingness to help and the love and respect you have for her. if you think her meds need to be ramped up a bit, talk to her and her doctor and tell her doctor what you have observed. be brutally honest so her doctor can get a picture of what is going on with her. let us know how things are going; we care
Thanks to all who are helping me cope with this.
My wife has been on cymbalta for 5 weeks now. She seemed like she was doing a little better, not crying as much, and seemed to not be so negative.
Until yesterday.
I came home from a family party she told me to go to. She then wanted to sit down and have our 'talk' again. I asked her what was going on. She started to cry, saying she doesn't want to hurt me, but she cant live like this anymore.She is miserable and unhappy. Her feelings changed, she still loves me but doesn't see me as a sexual partner anymore. She swears there is no other guy, and I believe her as she has never lied to me before. Again, I ask her to date with me, and get the spark back, she tells me it won't work and it's to late. I ask her why she is pushing me away, doesn't really give me an answer, just that her feelings changed. She said she thinks she would just rather be a single mother. She never thought like this before. She said she just doesn't want the kids to suffer. I told her thats impossible, since our kids are so attached to us. She thinks if we separate her and I will be best friends, and take care of the kids. I will take care of the kids, but will end up hating her for ripping my life apart.
I am hanging in there as long as I can. But I feel like this is one fight I
am gonna lose. I reassure her everyday how much I love her. I work full time, cook, clean, take care of the house, do the dishes, take care of the kids, everything. I have given her everything.
One question for anyone who can shed some light on this one.
(sorry to give a little detail)
The last few times she took a shower when I was home, she asked me to wash her back. I haven't done this probably since we dated.
Well, if you have no feelings for someone, other than friendship, why do this. I would never let me best friend wash my back. She has me so confused...
Again thanks to you all.
I really feel like I am living in hell foe the past 6 months.
I pray everyday. I go to church as much as I can.
What hurts the most is that I have no control over this.
All my friends and family ask me how long I can live like this.
I say as long as I have to. I have been with her for 20 years, and I adore her.....
I'll keep fighting....
Rich
My wife has been on cymbalta for 5 weeks now. She seemed like she was doing a little better, not crying as much, and seemed to not be so negative.
Until yesterday.
I came home from a family party she told me to go to. She then wanted to sit down and have our 'talk' again. I asked her what was going on. She started to cry, saying she doesn't want to hurt me, but she cant live like this anymore.She is miserable and unhappy. Her feelings changed, she still loves me but doesn't see me as a sexual partner anymore. She swears there is no other guy, and I believe her as she has never lied to me before. Again, I ask her to date with me, and get the spark back, she tells me it won't work and it's to late. I ask her why she is pushing me away, doesn't really give me an answer, just that her feelings changed. She said she thinks she would just rather be a single mother. She never thought like this before. She said she just doesn't want the kids to suffer. I told her thats impossible, since our kids are so attached to us. She thinks if we separate her and I will be best friends, and take care of the kids. I will take care of the kids, but will end up hating her for ripping my life apart.
I am hanging in there as long as I can. But I feel like this is one fight I
am gonna lose. I reassure her everyday how much I love her. I work full time, cook, clean, take care of the house, do the dishes, take care of the kids, everything. I have given her everything.
One question for anyone who can shed some light on this one.
(sorry to give a little detail)
The last few times she took a shower when I was home, she asked me to wash her back. I haven't done this probably since we dated.
Well, if you have no feelings for someone, other than friendship, why do this. I would never let me best friend wash my back. She has me so confused...
Again thanks to you all.
I really feel like I am living in hell foe the past 6 months.
I pray everyday. I go to church as much as I can.
What hurts the most is that I have no control over this.
All my friends and family ask me how long I can live like this.
I say as long as I have to. I have been with her for 20 years, and I adore her.....
I'll keep fighting....
Rich
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