Just keeps going...

[Hawk]

I am 16 and my feelings started since i was 11.

You know how your first love feels like the best thing ever? Well this happen to me when i was 11 and this was the start of all my feelings. Due to the fact that my memory is not good, i can't say how i felt or the thougths that came to mind. But i know i was just sad and felt bad about this girl. I also started to cut at this age. By the time i was 12 i have stopped thinking about this girl i was thinking about my confidents; Meaning i felt ugly, worthless, and in the way of everyone! By The age of 13 i was still having these feelings but it just became wose and wose i started to think about what would happen if i died, i lost my faith in god at this time because i felt like why would he make me feel this way, if he loved me (Please dont post about god i am simply stating this). I also, started to thinking about suicide. My mother also caugth me cutting at this time, and she told me that i better stop or she is gonna send me to get help, and yes i told her everything! but after that night, she checked on me to make sure that i quit cutting, but havn't asked about my feelings. By the time of 14 i came across drugs, i did pills, pot, and drinking. This was my new thing, to ease my pain and help me to stop the urge of cutting. Which it did, but was killing me on money. I also, started to seek help to ease the pain even more, i've talked to my 2 closest friends and seek help online. My cloest friends didn't really help much, they told me that it was only a teenager thing and not to worry about it, when i talked to people by email, they simply told me to talk to my mother and talk to a pro. But i was not ready for that. By the age of 16 (The start of JR year) i had to quit doing drugs because i have no money left, i was broke. But now that i quit doing drugs my feelings have gotten more complexed, but i had better understanding over them. I knew what i was feeling, and this was odd because i never really understand why i was sad just was.

More details behide the story:
My biggest fear is getting help and not coming out on the other side. Meaning that if i did talk to a pro, i well have to talk to them for the the next 2 years! and they well keep brothing me about getting help.

My step dad is very picky, he has anger issues. Meaning that he wants everything exectly how he wants it, and if he has to point it out, He wants it better than great! My mother has dated him since i was 10 but he moved in by the age of 12. I was crying when they got married, because i didn't like the change at all.

My thougths now are bring lonely, i feel unloved. I feel even if i had a great girl friend, she showed me love and everything was great. I'd still cry, because nothing is good euff for me. I want more and more. The way i know this is because i had the girl i loved so much right beside me for the longest time and even tho i had her i was still crying... i felt wose than not having her! Because i was scared of losing her. So i feel unloved, and don't fit in. I do not have a great social skills because of my voice and speech, i am scared to talk basicly because of that.

I have a great lifestyle i really do, just some reason i want more and more things to make me happy for awhile. But i know if i get those things, i'll just keep thinking of something to make me want to have! I dont know if my feelings make me want everything, maybe i am trying to find ways to make me happy. I do not know.


I'll post more that comes to mind below this line
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