Depression Understood Forums

Well hello, this is the first time ever I share my story online.

I was a pretty normal girl 6 years back, until that day, which I will never forget. I just started college that time, I was in my first year. I've always had back problems, not pain or something. ( There is a whole story behind this, but I don't feel like telling it, it's too long and complicated) The doctor recommended me to have an operation on my back. So we (my whole family) were all like, okay, let's get this over with. But who had known the surgery went a whole different way. I ended up paralyzed and in a wheelchair for life. . I am full paralyzed in my legs, I can't move them at all. I can only use my upperbody, arms and all.

I didn't knew what was happening to me. I was transferred to a rehabilitation centre. I was in shock. All patients were in a wheelchair or even worse than I am. Most of them were adults too, nowhere could I find someone my age. I was 17 years old back then. I couldn't find someone my age to share my feelings with. In the beginning I had hope. Therapy, let's get this over with and soon I will walk again. NOT. Days became weeks, weeks, to months. I cried and cried. Those were the most darkest days of my life EVER. All the therapy I had, was learning things while in a wheelchair, taking care of my body etc. I did got to talk to a few therapists though. I was there 24/7 for a year and a half. My family couldn't visit me everyday since they lived far away from the center. When I was more stable I was able to get home in the weekends. Not that I was too excited about it. I couldn't go upstairs, where my beloved bedroom was there. I could only ride around in the living room, no privacy at all. I was also very independent before the accident but now I will always have to rely on someone's help. Nowadays I do about 80% everything by myself and 20% I need help. I cried a lot at that time. I was also very afraid to go and do things outside, like going shopping and cinema etc. All eyes were on me, I hated that feeling. I still do, whenever I go outside, people still looks at me. When I got discharged from therapy center, I was able to go back home and start my new life in a wheelchair. We had to move to a new home which was accessible for a wheelchair. A whole new environment.

I kind of lost all my friends from high school. We all went to college and went a different way. And I did had a few friends at college, but as I wrote earlier, college life just started, so we weren't that close and all. So I was kind of lonely at the center. So when I got discharged and got back home, I couldn't just stayed home whole life. I needed to go back to my so called normal life.

I had to change my study, because you know, wheelchairgirl here. It sucked really bad. I was so mad, it was my dreamjob. I've always wanted to do it since I was a child. But in the end I had found another study. I thought I had to go to a school for the disabled people but I ended up at a normal college for 4 whole years. I got to meet a lot of new friends and everybody was nice to me and they helped me when needed. I still got some problems at time, like changing classes, opening doors ( it just sucks for needing help for these small things, I hate to ask help) But now I can happily say I graduated last summer. I have my bachelor's degree in my pocket.

I still live with my parents. I am in my mid twenties, I am not sure when I will be living alone. But since the summer I've been depressed again. I feel like doing nothing. I have a best friend who had helped me so much through the years. She now has a full-time job, new friends and all. And I am happy for her, doing things she wants to do and not being depended on me. I sometimes feels like I am a burden to her, her life also changed, because now she has a best friend who is in a wheelchair. I can say I still not feeling comfortable going outside, I still hate that people looks at me, but yeah, what can I do. I am jealous at those people that can walk happily. I got mad easily at people for being lazy. At least you have legs and are able to do things you can do. I can't also wear clothes I want to wear, like mini skirts, a beautiful dress. Wearing beautiful heels.

I have an older sister, who has the perfect life. A well paid job, a perfect boyfriend, a nice home. She's doing all the things she wants, like buying fancy stuff, going out, travelling across the world. I am mad at her, for no reason. Is this jealousy? These are the things I wanted in my life. Who the hell wants a girlfriend in a wheelchair? How can I travel (well I did traveled before, but it cost a lot for us disabled people and you are always depended on other people).

My family are still the only people I can always count on. But sometimes you can't share things with them. I love my mom till death. I am sorry for getting mad at her. I get these depressed days where I get so mad for no reason and aimed it at her. She kind of still not accepted that I am in wheelchair. You know, which mother wishes that their child is in a wheelchair. She's feeling sorry for me. Not doing things I want to do in life. She still hopes I will walk again someday. My mother also shed a lot of tears with me. I love my dad too, he kind of dealt with it already. But he's like life goes on, you can't do anything about the past.

Pfff. Well I kind of feeling better writing this story, but I'm still feeling depressed. I know I have to find a job soon, which makes me go to another chapter of my life. Working until I get old. I don't know what to do. I've been missing out a lot of my teen years. Partying, boyfriends, making precious memories with friends. I haven't done any of these. I still fully do not accept I'm in a wheelchair. It's been 6 years already. I look at my pictures before the accident, I was such a different girl back then. It's a lot different then being born in a wheelchair, because they have been dealing it since they were born, but for me? My life changed completely. I now get these days where I could cry for hours. Being jealous at everybody, mad at the world. Why am I in a wheelchair. Why must it be me? I haven't done anything wrong. Why why why? I just don't know what to do, I also don't feel like going to a therapist. I know I have to do something, I can't stay at home in my room all day.

I am not in a wheelchair, but I have suffered a lot of tragedy in my life and I too sometimes feel jealous and wonder why me? I know who I was at one point, but in particular the last five years have been horrific and sometimes I don't like the person I have become because I am so angry at those who hurt me and often frustrated that people seem to have it great sometimes and don't appreciate it or can be mean to someone less fortunate. So what to do? I try to practice acceptance, but it is hard, and only comes after much work.

I would think after losing your ability to walk and so much that goes with that you are grieving in a sense, and that goes in phases, and anger is one of those phases. As you know, its okay to be angry, or sad, after tragedy. So don't be too hard on yourself if you feel jealous of others or angry sometimes when people don't appreciate what they have. For different reasons, but I understand that feeling you have with your sister for instance...perhaps its not so much jealously, as I am sure you want her to have all those good things, you just want those good things for yourself, too.

Disabled people still have boyfriends and girlfriends all the time, so there's still a good chance you can meet someone and someday marry. But I have also learned, its okay to be alone too.

I am saddened to hear what happened, but do believe you can still have a good life! Maybe, for instance, you can find a job you truly love. I worked for many years for charities and got the opportunity to help people and do things for causes I felt passionate about. I loved my work, and so a job doesn't have to be a "sentence" but can be something that enriches your life. Are there any places near you or can you visit another town where you can socialize with other people who have physical disabilities, or over the net, where you can find people you identify with and learn how they accepted and adjusted?

I would think therapy and seeing a doctor might be a good thing, if you can get on a mild anti-depressant, but talking might also help a lot. Just as writing here helps me, maybe posting here about your depression might help too, and writing...journaling your feelings or keeping a blog. You might inspire others with your courage and the things most take for granted by talking about your struggles.

I have often asked why so many endure such tragic circumstances, while others have seemingly terrific lives. I know for instance there are 28 million people in slavery, ethnic cleansing and child soldiers in Burma, people dying and suffering atrocities in the Congo, famine and people suffering horrible diseases for which there is treatment but they cannot get it due to poverty, people suffering from so much hardship in this world while others just go about their daily business and life and ignore the tragedy and don't even appreciate how great their life is or judge others in hardship. It doesn't make me feel better others have it worse, just helpless, and feeling like I want to do something to make things better.

I don't know why the surgery went wrong and you lost use of your legs. But I have to hope, to believe, that you can be triumphant despite the tragedy. I hope that for myself and you too. That you can find a way to persevere, find something you feel passionate about, that gives life so much meaning beyond the unfairness of being in a wheelchair.

I hope that didn't sound too trite, but honestly, some days, a cup of cocoa may be the only thing that gets me through the moment...little things, little pleasures, are the only reason I think I am still alive right now. I don't want to hurt my elderly mother by ending my life, but sometimes my suffering is more than I can bear. So I try to find little things to keep me going...do you like to draw? listen to music? drink gourmet coffee? Whatever little pleasures you can find to treat yourself, comfort yourself, nurture yourself. Creative outlets can be wonderful too...writing poetry or painting for instance or learning to play an instrument.

Have you looked into whether a helping dog might be possible or helpful to you? I know in the US, St. Francis of Assisi Foundation (sp?) has helping dogs for numerous disabilities, and a dog might be great companionship. Animals give unconditional love, and if a helping dog isn't up your alley or isn't feasible, how about a cat? Or a bird, that is easier to care for....

Anyway, welcome to the forum! *hugs* We are here and listening, as much as you want to post, and people here do care...

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

(((((((Girl)))))))))) Coming here is a step in the right direction. Shatteredhopes offered a lot of good points. I know you said you dont like the idea of therapy but it can help. And the sooner you do it and find the right one, its one more step to recover part of your life. I'm sorry that the surgery went wrong and you landed in a wheel chair, but your life is not over. You had to change your dreams but you've been able to find a new one. you are handling this better than some people would. You're courageous. And not everyone will mind having someone in a wheel chair. So please don't give up hope, or believe that you will always be alone. Maybe it would be possible to go to some kind of group with others. It may help. Also you talked about a job. in the mean time are you on the form of assistance? disability? if you are you can find a place maybe suited to your needs if that is what you want. You'll get through this. Hang in there.

hollyann

Welcome to the forum girl24,

I can't imagine what it must be like to have to use a wheelchair. Many years ago my dad worked for the parapalegic association in our province. It was his job to go visit clients in their homes, and do whatever he could to help.

On Saturdays he used to take my brother and I out to one of the gyms in town where they would have wheelchair sports. That was a good way for people to make friends. Mind you that was many years ago. I would think that it might help you to get out.

As I said at the start I just can't imagine what it must be like. When my brother and I were young, we thought that it was fun to ride around in a wheelchair. This all happened many years ago and I am now a grownup and realize it is no game.

I am not sure whether you are in a city large enough to have various support groups you could go to for "real life" help.

One thing I am sure of is that it feels good to let things out. That is what being part of this forum is. To feel that you are in a safe place to let the feelings out that you might not feel appropriate with your friends.

I can't tell you the number of things that I have posted on the forum that I never thought that I would tell anyone, on-line or in person.

Looking forward to hearing more from, and about you.

girl24

your story really strucked me. maybe what i am going through right now is very small compare to what have you been in your life. i really cannot imagine myself being in that position.

you are an inspiration girl24. you inspired me and helped me looked at the bright side of the road. you helped me to be strong in this challenges that i am facing and aided me in realizing that there is still hope and future for me.

you are such a wonderful girl. i admire you for being courages.

hope to hear from you...

Hi. My husband spent the last years of his life in a wheelchair. I took care of him and was honored to be able to do so. You are not a burden. Not to those who love you. And you never will be. I wouldn't trade the time that i spent taking care of my hubby for anyhing.