My Story

[keluca]

Ok
I came to have depression or whatever they want to call it when I worked for a voluntary organisation. I loved the work and was moving up the ranks.... I was a very friendly outgoing person. I met my hubby while working there too. The problem came when we first got together... another guy got jealous and couldn't accept that I turned him down. I worked with the other guy closely within the organisation and was fairly comfortable working with him _ that was till he raped me. This was 18 years ago.. but it wasn't the only time it happened. I withdrew and left the organisation. Stupidly I never reported it and never told my hubby either.

Since then I have flashbacks, horrific ones at times, but more recently I daren't sleep so I get round about 2 hours broken sleep, so I look like a zombie.

More recently I lost my Grandma whom I loved so much we were always together she came on our holidays with my hubby and children.
My sister is an alcoholic and it is devastating my mum, we thought she was recovering after she moved away, but that was till her 11 year old daughter got raped in Jan this, she moved back up here and went straight back to her 'old friends' and is drinking very heavily again.... I am so frightened as she rings me saying she has taken an overdose , doesn't want help, but why is she ringing me saying she has taken it if she doesn't want the help and attention?

Just 3 week ago my hubby was told he had a tumour on his back and had to go this week and have it removed... I am just so scared with that as it is just 2 years ago we lost his mum to breast cancer and 4 years ago his dad to lung cancer.

I have a lack of trust of people which I think stemmed from the rape and then finally confiding to a friend about self harm, suicidal thoughts and the rape.....I really thought she was a friend and I could trust her but she used the whole lot as gossip and sent it round the groups I was involved in.
We finally moved and I dropped all my friends and stay in as much as I can, been here where I live for 1..5 years and still know no-one... The neighbours are horrible, they say we are a dirty family and untidy, we have a clean house, the garden is tidy and clean but there isn't anything in it.....her house is like a show house and her garden is like a maintained park... she has grown up kids I have 3 younger children... she things I am an unfit mother too as I don't get out too much with the kids as I am so scared. I know I aren't a great mum and maybe she is right

I tried rape counselling but my sessions ran out before I could get to the main parts as I didn't trust the counsellor much. I have tried another counselling place and they said they couldn't help as there was just too much going on. I had the crisis team come to me and they said I was 'my worst enemy' and could be hurting the children by staying in, so they made me feel worse and dis-charged myself from them.
I have a community mental health nurse that comes to see me every so often. She has arranged for Art therapy for me.. I have been to a couple of sessions but it terrify's me and I haven't managed to lift any art materials and cannot open up.. what is wrong with me.. I so want the help and when I get it, I clam up, shut up and all the rest.

I feel so ungrateful

[shatteredhopes]

Wow, you have been through and are going through a LOT. I am not a mental health professional, but suffering from it myself, it sounds like you might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I didn't notice where you lived, but sometimes domestic violence centers or rape crisis centers can refer you to specialists or have free counselors on staff who can help you open up with compassion and understanding. I know, when you have trust issues and have been burned like your gossiping friend did to you, it becomes so HARD to open up...a good therapist or counselor will hopefully help you though, patience is the key...some things are just soooooo painful to talk about too...its like re-living the experience...so clamming up is normal, especially when you are there for a brief period of time and don't want to rip open a wounding memory then walk away hurting. A crisis center might have a support group where you can talk with other rape victims in a secure setting and support each other...that might make you more at ease to talk with other survivors and how they cope.

Don't be so hard on yourself saying you are ungrateful, you are HURTING now and going through so much. Pain can be overwhelming...

Art therapy sounds great! Take it as slow as you need to and just open up as you can...creativity can be very healing...maybe your therapy instructor can suggest some outside assignments too that you don't have to share until ready? It might help you open up if you do a few things privately then share only when you feel secure?

Anyway, so glad you joined us here. I have found friendship and compassion and support on this site and I am confident you will too.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[crystalgaze]

Rape is no easy task to deal with at all.

Is there any thing you like to do? Maybe they can serve as an outlet?

Hugs to you-----> (((((((((((((((( keluca ))))))))))))))))))))

[keluca]

I wrote this when I first joined and never came back to it, Thank you for the replies much appreciated

Things have all gone downhill since writing the first post, my hubby had his op for the tumour and was called back for a second, but only to be called back again to be opened up further and more removed. Right in the middle of it all my little started having fits every night and this is very draining, both physically and emotionally.

Last night was a really bad night, I hurt myself quite a lot and was thinking of ending it all but my little one disrupted my thoughts with yet another fit. So this morning I made an appointment with the dr and she has given me 4 pills just to get me over the weekend and I have to see her on Monday again.

I tried a rape crisis counsellor but yet again I failed it as I couldn't talk to her, I clammed up and broke down each time, I have been to Art Therapy recently and I have just ended that as it was doing more harm than help as each time I would hurt myself before hand or the pressure of it made me take an OD before it too. I couldn't interact with the materials etc either there, I felt so stupid, which is very unusual as I am a very creative person (when alone)

I have never been given a 'label' or a true diagnosis with all of this from the dr, but she gave me olanzapine today and when I looked it up I was so frightened with what they treat with this medicine, I have just classed it as a bit of depression really.. am I being foolish thinking like that???

I am scared of how I am feeling and I get scared of myself.

[keluca]

I'm having a really off night tonight,
I have every bad thought going through my head, I am fighting not carrying things out. I really don't want to be here, I have SH and so sore too.

I so want to cry, but the kids are about, my hubby is home and I just feel so closed in. I know if I go to bed (which I really want to do) I will SH more, but I also think I would take things further too so I am trying to stay at the keyboard.

I am struggling bad

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( keluca ))))))))))))))))

Try going into the chat room. People there you can talk with now. Those that will give you support.

Perhaps a hot shower, and some tears, that usually helps me through a bad time.

Please consider the chat room, okay?

Warmie

[Obayan]

Hi. I have ptsd and you sound a lot like me. Let me tell you this, and listen to what i say.... you matter. You count as a human being and as an individual. You are loved. You are wanted. You matter.

You didn't fail at therapy. You encountered a bump in the road. Go someplace you feel safe. Go alone. Write it all out. All of it. Get it out and down on paper. When you go back, give what you wrote to the doc. It will make it easier for you and will open a lot of doors to communication.

Wanting to SI is addictive. You know this is not a good thing to do. But you can't stop it. Here is an exercise that I do when i want to SI....

Imagine a wall. blank. No color. No shape. No form. Just a flat surface.
Now give it texture. In your mind, place every seam, every bump, every scratch.
Now give it color. My wall is blue. A soft hazy kind of blue that is almost white until the light hits it just right.
On my wall, I have pictures. Pictures of cats playing. Pictures of my husband and me at my wedding. Pictures of the day my daughter was born. I can see them hanging on my wall.
On my wall, I have a window. It's small and round and has no shades or drapes to cover it.
I look thru this window and I can see grass. Not all green, but the parts that are green are dark in color and thick. There are brown spots, but i cover the with flowers. This is my flower bed. The flowers are the people in my life. Some are beautiful and blossom like a rose. Some are weeds. I pluck the weeds from my garden. And i nurture the flowers.
I can also see a tree. Big tree with lots of branches. Full of green leaves and beautiful white blooms. There are squirells in my tree.

This is my place of peace. Once i created it, i can go there any time i choose to. It's my place, i can do with it whatevere i want. Decorate, not decorate. Clean, not clean. Everything that happens here is my choice. My decision. I'm the one in control. I find peace here.

The next time you want to SI... build your wall.

I hope this helps you.

[keluca]

Thank you warmie I have tried the chat, I have been in a couple of times but it all moves so fast and so many things happening all at once I haven't the confidence to step in. I will go in again and try and find my feet

Thank you Obayan Yes SH is addictive and really got the better of me last night , what you have said seems really good and I will give it a good go next time, once the thoughts get in my head they are really hard to shake, but what you are suggesting seem very good and hopefully I will be able to adapt it to myself

Thank you

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( keluca )))))))))))))))))))

Let the room know you are new, that you would like to observe for awhile, they understand, they were all new at one time. Then pick a conversation and follow that for awhile. It does work. You will be surprise how quickly you will be able to follow everything. Honest.

Warmie

[Obayan]

Also, you can find a "font" button at the bottom right of chat window. If you increase your font it will slow down the room a bit.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))

Good suggestion.

Warmie

[keluca]

Thank you for that I will give that a try

I have had to go back to GP as she would only give me 4 tablets before, she has looked at my wounds and steri-strip them as I couldn't face letting them stitch them for me and she has give me some antibiotics as they are infected too.
I have to go back on Friday as she wants to check the wound and also she has only given me enough meds to get me to Friday.

Im stressing quite a bit today as my youngest (5) has gone away with the school to the coast (He has recently developed epilepsy and it isnt fully controlled yet). I know deep down that he will be ok but there is always that nagging feeling in me.

[Obayan]

((( keluca ))) hang in there sweetie. And i'm glad you are getting your wound taken care of.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((( keluca ))))))))))))))))

Just adding a warm gentle hug to hopeful help.

Warmie

[keluca]

Thank you Obayan and warmie

I had to see my GP today as she had made an appointment for me to see her, I have seen this one a couple of times now and she was lovely. She managed to make me talk (and unlike other people) I dont even feel guilty about talking to her.

She has taken me off the tablet but she hasnt put me on anything else yet as she thinks my issue at home needs me to be fully aware of my surroundings.

She also said to me I could make an appointment anytime with her even if it is just to talk, or even just to sit with her and not say anything. She said I dont need to have an issue to go and see her. She has really put my mind at ease.

BUT There always has to be a but..... she is a registrar and they only do 6-12 months at the surgery. I confronted her with that (as I know about medical ways from working in hospital) she did say though that she was taking a part time position after leaving, so hopefully it will all work out.

My mood has lifted quite a bit after seeing her