Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes)))))) I am hoping that you post today and let us know how you are doing. Thinking of you.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((( Shattered ))))))))))))

Sending out a search party! Please take care.

Warmie

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((dande, tacking, obayan, mich, lisalou, monty, hollyann, ken, paper, warmie, blueisgreen, crystal, and anyone I inadvertently left off--sorry))))))))))))))) thanks for all the support and kindness you have given me.

I called a crisis line a bit ago, talked some but now feel unsafe as I don't want to risk ending up in the hospital. Plus the person said didn't know how to help me just grasping at straws. Recently someone came by to check on me as I hadn't been returning e-mails or answering my phone, which was sweet that someone cared.

All my reasons for living I posted on the other thread seem impossible, stupid, pointless, or just not enough. I don't know how to find the will to carry on...I just try to keep picturing my mom and how hurt and upset she would be.

It really hurts that my ex-boyfriend is posting online on the only poetry site he and I are both on (he's on tons of others) all this love poetry to his new mate. I stayed away from it but curiousity got the better of me, and he is indeed madly in love with her. What makes it even worse is that he didn't want to post the few love poems he wrote for me on line, wanted to "keep it private" when the bottom line is he was just ashamed of me. Can't blame him. Feel pretty darn worthless, a waste of existence, a burden to society, and I am in sooooo much pain I can't stand it.

The one thing that keeps me from drinking right now is knowing things will just get worse or I'll do something stupid like call my ex (which he probably wouldn't answer if he hasn't blocked my number anyway)...how could I have been so wrong thinking he loved me? How could I have been so sure he was the "one" and all the "signs" seemed to point to that, when in fact, he just used me, sometimes mistreated me, and dumped me. Sometimes he was great, and so I hung on when I shouldn't have, got in too deep and got hurt badly. How could I have been so wrong? I am questioning everything now. I hate my life so much. If there was a merciful God, I would be dead right now. Instead, all the evil, hatred, cruelty, and suffering in the world seem to be just feeding a negative force that gradually makes things worse and worse for many...a growing, expanding cycle of pain. The goodness in the world seems like mere ripples, while the suffering moves in big waves...don't mean to offend anyone's religious feelings, but that's the way I now firmly believe the world is. I look at Haiti, after all those hurricanes, so much extreme poverty, then the earthquake, then the rains...how could there be a benevolent God in charge? Why do some, many, suffer so much more than anyone could reasonably bear?

All I know now is just to try to get through the moment, the hour, the day. I see nothing in the future that is worth holding onto, just bleak darkness and more pain...the ironic thing is that the way I always used to cope was imagining picturing a future of better things. My ex said he couldn't focus on the future only getting through the moment. Now we seem to have switched places. He's got a bright future and is madly in love, and I am spiraling down with no hope of anything to help me go back up. I feel so heartsick I can't even eat. Sometimes just breathing hurts because the lump in my throat is so big. I sob and sob and afterwards feel a little numbness sometimes, but then it comes back again over me in waves of grief and sorrow.

I miss the job I had I used to truly love. I miss my faith that everything would be okay and that there was a good God in charge and in the fundamental goodness of humankind. I miss having enough money to go to the grocery store and get whatever I wanted or just to go out to dinner. I miss having friends and the ability to trust people and feel safe. I miss my Dad. I miss having an intact family and people to talk to regularly, openly. I miss my animals so much I cry at pet food commercials. I can't even bring myself to box up or get rid of doggie beds and such. I miss my ex-boyfriend and believing we had a future together and that I had found my soulmate. I miss the days there was no physical pain, the days when I once felt truly happy, the feeling that I could make a significant difference in the world (now all my efforts feel so small and meaningless and futile in the face of so much tragedy), being able to clean my house and do some of the basics that many days I cannot manage, belief in the mental health profession's ability to help me, and so on and so on and so on...

Thanks ((((((((((((All)))))))))))) who care enough to read my rambling post and respond.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( Shattered ))))))))))))))))))

Through all this you are showing me a very strong person, you really are. You may not see it, but it is there. You aren't a burden here, please remember that, you are a friend to so many. Thank you for that.

I have cried for you, related to you, wish I could just give you an honest to goodness hug, this is the best I can do, but it is sincere.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Shattered ))))))))))))))))))))))

Warmie

[shatteredhopes]

Thanks so much ((((((((((warmie))))))))))) for your kindness and support.

I think one of the things I miss the most is the sense of touch I got when I held my animals or felt one lick my face (they really sensed my depression so well)...or the ability to hold my ex or just scratch his back to help him feel loved a bit, and hoping he would do the same for me when I was hurting.

So a cyber hug is much appreciated, and the warmth comes across the screen just in you caring enough to respond.

I know when I started the wellbutrin I was really depressed and wondering if it wasn't making it far worse during the adjustment, and I just within the past week or so went up on the wellbutrin again...anti-depressants and me just don't seem to mix, but I'm gunna stay on it for now to see if it balances and helps at the higher dose. So much of my depression is situational, circumstantial, I just don't know how much any anti-depressant can help when I can't fix the problems on my plate and I am grieving so many losses. Just hoping to be perked up just enough to start doing things again, volunteering, looking for work, etc.

I am finding it harder and harder to leave my house and be around people. I am just so scared of being hurt again...even the slightest, tiniest thing that someone else would think is nothing sends me off crying in my bed. I don't know how to turn things around, as it seems everything I try I just fail at or end up going further backwards or being disappointed. I cycle between intense anxiety and severe depression with very few windows of okay time that I can manage to do something productive. I am absolutely terrified of the hospital after the traumatic experience I had.

I just want something to give life meaning again. I used to feel whatever I endured was worth it as long as I could make a difference in the world, now I can't keep going. I try to help others what little I can on this forum, but so wish I could get back to working or at least volunteering, but today I can't even seem to put on clean clothes and brush my hair and fix myself something to eat. I feel like a lost cause, just barely existing so as not to hurt my mom by ending my life. I so wish I had never been born; that I could just die not of my own hand so as not to be responsible for doing something that might be wrong and would definitely hurt my mom...I so fear being institutionalized or ending up in some pathetic group home, not even with basic freedoms that I am truly grateful for today. I feel like a complete failure.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( Shatterd )))))))))))))))))))

I do understand the loneliness, it isn't a fun thing to deal with. It is easy to fall into the pattern of hiding away, protecting yourself from that hurt and pain again. Do it myself.

What I do see with you ((((((((((( Shattered )))))))))))))) is the desire to make things better, to change, get some of your life back.

Just hoping to be perked up just enough to start doing things again, volunteering, looking for work, etc.
and I just within the past week or so went up on the wellbutrin again...

First steps, tiny steps. You have hope, never give that up. You talking here with us, that in itself is a major step, not always an easy thing to do. Keep trying, we are here for you.

Warmie

[Mich]

(((((((((shatteredhopes)))))))))) I wish I could take your pain away. I wish I could do anything at all that might help you....come and bring you lunch, come and sit and talk with you or just be there with you....whatever would make you feel better. I understand the severity of the pain, I really do and I also know that you are a strong woman who can take some steps here and crawl back out to where things are bearable. Is it nice where you are today? Could you just sit outside in the fresh air and sunshine for a little while? The other thing you have to try to do is eat. Take it from me....not eating only makes the depression worse. Try to get a little something in you...some toast or a piece of fruit. You are a valued human being and you have a great deal of worth on this earth. You have many friends here and we will all do our best to hold you up from afar. Please don't do anything to hurt yourself.

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((Warmie)))))))) thanks so much for your support and helping me feel a bit more positive about myself, that I am at least trying to hang on and find a way out of the darkness. When I first started the wellbutrin, I had the same problems of worsened anxiety and severe, suicidal depression...I know that's a side effect that is counter-productive occuring in some and I think that is what I experienced...so it is entirely possible that recently going up on the wellbutrin is sending me into that mode again...but it stabilized before and if I can wait and tough it out somehow, in the long run the increased dose may help and this just may be a temporary adjustment period. Hoping, anyway...

(((((((Mich)))))))) I splurged on fruit last time I went to the grocery store and managed to get down a banana yesterday and two today...I know it would help if I eat I just feel so sick to my stomach from being so upset. Maybe in a while I will try to force down a few peanut butter crackers. I feel the same way about you too my sister, my friend, that I have no true "real life" friends I can talk to and wish you and I could just go to the park together or for coffee or something and lean on each other, but I am soooo grateful to have your support and love in this forum.

I realize it was my own fault I made my ex the center of my world, and even though I had just started writing again with the hope of getting a freelance career going, I really had nothing to replace that huge void. I am trying something from the falling out of love book that is drastic but I think necessary called aversion therapy with him. So far my good thoughts in thought stopping haven't been enough and the pain has returned like it was a while ago. I just wish I had something to replace the huge holes in my life...its like 5/6 of me has been ripped away, family and friends, my work, my animals, my faith and trust, and most recently, after losing all that, my mate. If he wasn't basically all that was left aside from my mom, I know I would have an easier time getting over this. I never should have gotten involved with someone when I was so vulnerable and he turned out to be such a jerk...I really thought he was the answer to my prayers, instead, like so much in life, it was bait-and-switch, he turned out to be part of the negative forces in the universe that destroys me (and so many others). I feel like a mere shell of the person I was, lost and empty and so alone.

The pain in my chest from being heartsick is crushing and it is all I can do to keep from vomiting I am so upset. I am taking extra ativan to try to calm me down, settle my stomach, help me sleep (have not been sleeping well either and get sicker when don't sleep).

I just want to die. I pray and pray and pray, God show mercy, end my life. I really have nothing to live for other than not wanting to hurt my mom, and fear if this continues, that will not be enough. But I am trying to hang on and if this goes on much longer I will drop down to the previous dose of wellbutrin and see if that helps...I can try to go up on it another time, but for right now, it may be too much with the adjustment.

[lisalou]

shatteredhopes,once again, i wish my depression was not robbing me of my words and i could write more. I'm really sorry with all my heart to hear that things are so bad for you right now but am really proud of you that you are keeping away from alcohol, calling the crisis line and reaching out for help,fighting to keep yourself basically fed and safe and in your own words 'trying to hang on in there'.

that takes so much strength and courage in such dark times.

I think you are stronger and more amazing than you even dare to imagine.....

with lots of love,

Lisa xxx

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( Shattered ))))))))))))))))))

No thanks needed, you would be there for me, I know that. You will find that path, got to believe in yourself, we believe in you!

Warmie

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Like so many others on this forum, I'm sure, I'm sorry that you're in such pain. It doesn't seem fair, particularly when you've done so much to support and encourage others. ( Me included!!!! )
If it helps at all, I'm rooting for you too, in the belief, shared by many, that that you ARE stronger than you think, or imagine.
I'm afraid that I have too little experience of relationships to say anything wise, useful or comforting there.
But, I am sooooooglad that you are avoiding alcohol, and taking as much care of youself as you feel that you can.
Do please try to eat something, although I know how hard that is when your world seems to turn dark.
Is there any chance of my being forgiven if I resort to a cliche, and ask you to please hang on? It isn't just your Mother who would miss you.......
(((( shatteredhopes ))))!!!!( In a properly " reserved " British way of course!!!! )

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((Warmie, Mich, Lisalou, Tacking)))))))))) Thank you so much for kind caring words and support, it means more than I can express...it is literally keeping me going right now. When I feel suicidal or unmanageably down, I come on this site, and just having a response and feeling someone cares and offers a few words of encouragement...it really means the world to me right now.

Last night my mom invited me over for dinner and had a full healthy meal, and she mixed up her special hot chocolate mix for me and gave me two canisters and told me I could come back for more...its not super chocolately, its more creamy and is very soothing and suprisingly low fat. For that brief period of time, I didn't feel like crying and held it together in front of my mom.

I don't know how strong I really am, I feel so weak, but thank you for saying that...I guess I am stronger than I think that I have not killed myself or even attempted suicide in recent years, especially in recent months.

Thanks for being a lifeline for me.

[Mich]

(((((((shatteredhopes)))))) I was hoping that your mother would invite you over for dinner....I am so glad that happened. I am glad you had the comfort of your mother for an evening and am also glad that you got a full nutritious meal inside of you. Both are positives.
In eating disorder treatment they tell us to make purging "not an option". I am encouraging you to do the same with self harm. Take it off the table as an option and tell yourself it is NOT an option. I believe we can have wonderful years ahead of us...we just have to keep fighting. One foot in front of the other, every day even if small steps, keeps us moving towards that goal. I know your pain is immense...you have been through so much....you need comforting. How can you comfort yourself today? Even if it is a small way, what can you do to make a slice of the day nice for yourself? That hot chocolate sounds yummy...in fact I am drinking some right now....so make up a cup of that and enjoy it and know that it comes with love from your mother.
Always thinking of you, Mich

[shatteredhopes]

((((Mich)))) I made a cup of hot chocolate as you suggested. Thanks.

Right now, I am just too overwhelmed with grief. It has been that way before. I guess I had placed all my hope in a future with my ex-boyfriend, and viewed that relationship as my last shot at happiness or at least an okay life. Regardless of the things he did to me, which he did plenty, it was totally unfair pressure to place on him and our relationship. Since the break-up, I lost the only two close friends I had left. One left for reasons I don't know, one I gave up for betraying my trust. I know only one thing for certain about the future...my elderly disabled mother who is in poor health, sooner or later, will pass away. I just cannot fathom how I could cope with yet another loss, but as time passes, the more and more I seem to lose. Somethings have been completely or partially my fault, some just unfortunate circumstances and the unfairness of life, some things have been done to me that were just downright cruel. I just don't know what I could reasonably hope for anymore or what could ever make life worth living again, as there is no escaping the permance of grief.

All I know to do is just somehow get through today without harming myself. I'll deal with tomorrow when it comes.

EDIT TO ADD: Well today my mom invited me over for dinner again, and wouldn't you know it, stopped on a hill near her house to let someone pass and my car DIED! Managed to get over to side of road. Managed to restart get up and around the hill and parked at Mom's. Hope its just needing oil (oil and battery light came on when died and been long long time since oil changed) and/or more gas (almost on empty, maybe hill shifted little left out of use). I feel so overwhelmed. When it rains, it pours. But Mom let me take her car to pick up her groceries and run an errand I needed to run for myself, then fixed me dinner and drove me home, for which I am grateful. She also said if its more than just gas and oil, she would try to help me out. She is so sweet and kept me from having complete meltdown. When car died, I was ready then and there to throw in the towel. You know when you are so depressed you are beyond tears and even the little things are like the end of the world? That's where I am.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I know how it feels to be " near meltdown " when the smallest thing goes wrong. But, ( And, I hope I'm not being totally insufferable, sorry! ), you did exactly the right thing, you coped, you problem-solved, and you have an offer of help from your Mother.
You felt like throwing in the towel, but you didn't. Sometimes that's the best any of us can do, muddle on from one moment to another, and you did it!!!! Proud of you!!!!
I can't say that I'm a great role-model for taking things in my stride, but let's all keep taking things one moment at a time? Huh?
I know it's a cliche, but your story isn't over yet, neither is mine, or anyone's on this site. ( Please, keep the hope of better days, no matter how remote...And, if you're not convinced by my pitiless optimism...I could always resort to....THE NAGGING!!!! )
Seriously though folks, keep posting and keep taking care of yourself....