Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)

[shatteredhopes]

Well I have been companion sitting for the past six days for the blind elderly lady. I got so stressed and depressed, I really wasn't up for that, but its done now and I managed to take care of her and hold it together.

Recently in chat room some one was logged on with same first name as my ex and sent me into tail spin thinking it might be him. Person wasn't speaking so I don't know, just afraid I would lose this site as its my only support and outlet now...

Well, while there they had satellite tv and was able to catch a few minutes of Dr. Who in honor of my friend ((((((((((((Tacking))))))))))! Couldn't really follow as came in the middle of program and didn't know who was who, but made me smile just the same thinking of my friends here.

Hard not having internet access, as have always relied on this site to keep me going.

Really really down lately but at least the sitting job is over, thankfully. (((((((((Mich, Ken, Tacking, All)))))))))))))))

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( Shattered ))))))))))))

You aren't going to lose site or us! Sorry you are stuck with us!

Warmie

[xn728]

hey (((((sister))))),,i was so disstressed to read this post the happyness i felt when i saw your nick ,,was short lived as i read on ,,ive said so much to you in the past here ,,as have many others ,but your pain is so great it seems to carry you further away from us ,,,if you were to disapear from the forum i would be deeply upset ,,your troubles have taken you away from us ,,and your kind words slowly become less frequent ,,all i ask is you try to return somehow ,find strentgh in these words we send to you ,,
you are stronger than the darkness ,,all you need to do is to break free ,from that grip ,,and take a great big leap of faith ,,please ,leave all that has troubled you behind ,and return here were we will do our best to make you feel better ,,do i have to come and find you !! then call out ,
because you know i would make that journey ,,we love you sister ,,
and as our dear freind (((((warmie)))) says your STUCK WITH US ,,,
COME HOME DEAREST FREIND ,FOR SOMEONE WHO NEVER HAD BROTHERS OR SISTERS BEFORE ,,,HOW CAN I LOSE ONE NOW ,,
hugs (((((sister))))),,lots of love ,,your BROTHER AND FREIND KEN XXXX

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes))))) Ken says things so well. I echo his sentiments.

[shatteredhopes]

Well sat for one night again for elderly lady. They have air conditioning (90 degrees here), satellite television with tons of movie channels, a covered big porch perfect for sitting and smoking a little vanilla filtered cigar, and a sweet hound dog (looks like a black and tan coon dog but suspect its a black lab-german shephard mix). So it was sorta nice, still pangs of sorrow and memories would wash over me at times, but just kept trying to redirect my attention. Now i have enough money to pay my taxes, whew! That's a relief. Only bad thing was dog woke me at 1:15 am and again at 4 something am to go out! Out in the country...guess she heard critters out there she wanted to go chase outa the yard.

There's a job for peer support worker at mental health part-time that I might apply for...not sure yet as I owe them bunches of money and don't want to work just to pay off that debt as have more pressing priorities financially. Don't know if I'm up for it yet either. Also worry about references, as don't want my references to know about mental illness (might suspect anyway) and they would in applying for this type of job.

One of my old articles shot up to #1 out of 86 and another to #5 out of 97 in ranking (site members rank the articles they think are the best) so pleased with that, although haven't been writing lately...have a few ideas and one project even talked to two people about helping me with just haven't been up for it.

Depression has been so crushing. Good thing is they finally made the adjustment in my insurance change so should be able to start going to group therapy twice a month in near future. That will be good, to finally start getting a little professional help again.

My mom is feeling really poorly and can hardly do anything...really worried about her and hope she gets to doctor soon. If I lose her, I don't know how I would be able to go on.

Anyway, think of you all often and hope to see you all post soon about how you are doing!

[Mich]

((((shatteredhopes))))) You would be such an excellent support worker; I really wish that could all fall into place for you. You are so wise and caring and you understand the illness first hand. I understand your constraints though....I only wish they weren't there.
It's good to hear you excited about your articles again. I am not surprised that they are ranked so highly because you are extremely intelligent and an excellent writer. Congratulations!
I'm glad to hear that you will be getting out to twice per month therapy. Having that live body to talk to will hopefully relieve the crushing symptoms. It helps me to have that person to talk to as I cannot burden my husband and he doesn't understand anyway. I hope you are able to find a therapist that you really click with and have trust in. That is so important.
I think of you often. There was a lot of good in your post which makes me happy. Take good care.....Mich

[shatteredhopes]

Well, couldn't sleep last night and did quite a bit of thinking and crying. Sorta came to a place of forgiveness with ex-boyfriend, still hurts, but don't feel bitter and angry anymore. Accepted that he is not bad person, just really really ill and don't think he meant to hurt me as badly as he did or if he's even aware of the depths...just letting go and accepting he didn't love me, it hurts and is sad, but its okay. Came a little closer to forgiveness with former friends and family and the hospital and others...but still not there yet. Just for me, have to find a way to forgive to go on. I can't go on like this.

I have to, as our dear family member ((((((((tacking)))))))) says, "engage the world." I can't keep isolating. I recently took a few risks telling a few in the chatroom my real name and stuff, with mixed results. Its just so hard to trust...I am so paranoid of being hurt, well beyond rationality, even in just making friends. But, I have to try. I can't keep sitting here moping or nothing will get better. Group therapy will be next step. One day, maybe i will get courage up to go back to 12 step program.

I don't know where to go from here with my life, but gotta just take some baby steps to move forward. I don't really feel like writing. I don't know what sort of work I should do or look for or train for or if I can even handle it again in the future.

Just have to make a choice to try to have some kind of life again, rather than just existing and fighting the si constantly. I gotta get my house cleaned up, and maybe i will sell it. I dunno yet. But some changes have got to be made, because I just can't go on like this. I just can't, or I will surely end my life. I feel suicide is wrong in some respects, not to judge those who have, just feel like I should choose to try and live. If all I can do is be kind to others and help my fellow man in small ways, maybe that's enough to give life meaning again.

((((((((((Mich))))))))))) you know maybe we will never fully heal, but that doesn't mean it can't get a whole, whole lot better for us both.

[Mich]

((((shatteredhopes)))) I sense a quiet determination to turn things around and make the most out of your life. I love it. It's wonderful that you are getting to places of forgiveness. I don't believe I will ever get there but if I can just put things in the past and leave them there, I will be happy. I know how hard it is to fight the si. Hopefully the more you engage with the outside, the less you will feel like harming yourself. Take very good care. I am so pleased that you still blog here even though you are busy on the chat site. I really care about how you are doing.....Michele

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks for the kind words (((( shatteredhopes ))))!
Good to hear from you! I also feel that being a part of this site is important to me!!!!
I can appreciate how difficult it is to engage with the world sometimes. I can do so sometimes, but other times the sheer apparent coldness and indifference of the world around me just makes me wonder if I can cope with things. ( Sorry, I'm having trouble with my local council, and ii's one of those little things that just knocks me back for some reason. I'm trying to get a document from them re. local tax. However, instead of issuing the document to me, they've just mistakenly altered my address on their records, so my address is now incorrect. So, they cannot issue the document to my actual address because their records now do not accept that I live there, and they cannot issue the document to the address they have for me on their records, because I don't actually live there. I going to have to call them again tomorrow, with all my details, so that I can convince them that I still live where do live and not where they now think that I live when I don't!!!! ( Pant! Wheeze! Gasp! )
Sorry to moan, but it helps me cope!
Really think that you should go for the job you mention, if you can cope with me, you can cope with anyone

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((Mich)))))) thanks for your support sister, I hope you will venture back to the chatroom sometime and I might see you there and we can have a chat. So glad you got out some...think the more we can force ourselves to do stuff like that, the better we are in the long run...some sense of normalcy anyway.

(((((((Tacking)))))))) dear friend, you may not believe in God but surely you have to believe in the Devil because that's where bureaucratic errors come from!!!!!! Don't envy you....hope you get it straightened out without too much nightmare hassles.

Well I am praying for my ex and his new love to be happy and have a good life and all that good stuff...even if no God intervenes, prayer activates a network in the brain that taps into subconsciousness and can change our thinking...so this is part of what I am doing to further the acceptance, letting go, and forgiveness...but it really really hurts.

Guess as a hangover of my former faith, I used to believe in signs and what is 'meant to be' as opposed to some arbitrary existential sort of randomness. In my 12 step program, they used to say there are 'no coincidences.' All these 'signs' pointed to my ex and I being soulmates and that's part of the reason I put up with so much from him, sure that it would get better and we were 'meant' to be together for the rest of our lives. For instance, I had a vision of him long before I ever met him or knew he existed. There were just so many of these 'signs' that the relationship ending the way it did and all the hurt sort of puts a last nail in the coffin of my former faith and beliefs about the world.

For others, I am praying for the willingness to pray for them. I got to thinking about the mental butcher doctor this morning and got so mad, I don't know how to forigve her, especially when I know she is still practicing medicine and doing to others what she did to me or worse. The only comfort I have is my lawyer told me after the human rights complaint I filed, there have subsequently been fewer complaints about her, so I guess she's being more careful. Had I not been so traumatized by it all, I could have filed criminal, federal civil rights and tort action and reported her to the credentialling agency that oversees her liscense to practice. But it was just too painful and barely got through the measley little human rights process.

Something has been going on with someone in the chatroom that has triggered me, and keep dreaming about my ex-husband and have been extremely down as well as in unusally high physical pain. I feel exhausted and really really overwhelmed. But, on the bright side I paid my taxes this morning, got caught up on two delinquent bills and now have money to pay the rest of the bills for the month. That sitting job couldn't have come at a better time. Sometimes coincidences do work in our favor...

I just want to die soooo badly but feel obligated to keep living.

[shatteredhopes]

How ironic life is sometimes. I think back on what a terrible, terrible wife I was...a lot because I was just so sick and caught up in my alcoholism, but I wasn't the greatest of people then and didn't love him like I should have. I waited 9 years before I took a risk on someone, and with him tried my best to make living amends for all the wrong I did with my husband and in other relationships...trying so hard...yet I got treated poorly some of the time then dumped. I made mistakes for sure, but tried to apologize and own up to them when I did. And he put me through so much, not because he was a terrible person, but he is just soooo sick. My ex's last words to me were so cruel if he had only known more of my history...it still hurts, even though I forgive him because he was somewhat clueless and very messed up himself. He had never really worked the steps and had missed out on that growth.

I wasn't a good person for the most part when I was drinking, yet seemed to lead a "charmed" life...when I got sober, I did everything I could to change myself into a better person, only to reach bottoms lower than I ever did in my drinking. Beneath every bottom I learned, there is a trap door.

Maybe its a karma finally caught up to me. I dunno. I just think of all that's happened in the last 5 years, things that for the most part weren't my fault...yet all those things I had done I WAS at fault for, never suffered much in the way of consequences.

Like had my ex-husband divorced me or cheated on me with another woman earlier on...I would have totally deserved that. But that my ex-husband tried to murder me and molested children is NOT my fault...and suffered consequences beyond what I feel I deserved. Instead, after I divorced him for suspecting him of child abuse and he was later arrested, the FBI coming to my workplace in the course of the investigation or all the scandal likely is what caused my boss to turn on me at the only job I ever loved...and would eventually have to leave. I can pretty much pinpoint the start of downward spiral and everything to my ex-husbands arrest and conviction.

Maybe karma doesn't level the field evenly...I sure feel like I've gotten a raw deal in comparison to the wrongs I have done, especially after trying to make amends to the best of my ability for previous wrongs and own up to new mistakes. Life's just not fair. It makes me so sad. I just cannot stop the bad things from happening, no matter how "good" I TRY to be...I always fall short and wonder what is wrong with me that all this bad stuff has happened and keeps happening

[shatteredhopes]

Well, as everyone can see from my comments regarding my ex-boyfriend, I still have much work to do on my forgiveness...everytime I feel an angry/hateful or loving/missing him thought, I pray for him and his mate to have all the happiness I wanted for he and I, but I've added a prayer for myself for healing and getting completely over it. That takes away some of the sting of trying to wish them well.

I got to thinking about the hospital again today, and remembered they sent me a letter of apology for some of things, which they were ordered to do. At the time, I kind of dismissed it since they were ordered to do it, but now I feel better about it because at least they had to go on record which may help prevent them from doing it to someone else or show a pattern if there is one so the next person who fights them might have an easier time. So now with them and others I am just saying "God bless...so and so, and so and so" and so on...that's the best I can do at the moment, and I cringe in doing that!

Well today was mixed, four really good things, and two bad. I broke down and cried over the bad and wanted to give up...but day got better and movie I like is on t.v. right now so I'm okay at the moment. Not great, but hanging on...

Miss my friends on here...haven't seen brother ((((((ken)))))) in a bit, and (((((((Mich))))))))(((((((Tacking))))))))) hope to see you post again how you are doing soon.

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes))))) What you are doing in praying for those that have wronged you is very admirable. I don't know that I will ever be a big enough person to do that.
4 good things in a day is great. I hope you can focus on those rather than the 2 unpleasant things. It is good that you were able to find comfort in a good movie.
Ken has disappeared and it is really worrisome. It disturbs me a lot when people disappear without an explanation.
Thinking of you and wishing you well.....Michele

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((( Shatterhopes )))))))))))))))

Good seeing you posting hon, missed that.

With the good comes some bad, but you are dealing with it, wtg for you!!!

Miss some of our friends here as well, getting worried, to be truthful. But that sometimes happens, they move on.

Warm hugs and love to you.....

Warmie

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Don't get your hopes up! I'm very much still here! God willing, I'm afraid you're stuck with me for as long as you can cope with my jokes!
Sorry I haven't been much in evidence recently, although I have been reading people's posts and feeding my addiction to Warmsoul's Corner.
I've been feeling rather low and vulnerable recently. There have been a lot of changes at work, changes that really haven't been thought out in detail! Which is fine for the " High Command ". But, our jobs at the " coal -face " are all about the detail, which hasn't been thought out. So, rather than being trained to do the job, it sometimes feels more like we're almost trying to invent the job and discover how to do it in detail as we go along. Which is difficult for everyone, but is particularly triggering my depression/anxiety and very much amplifying my feelings of worthlessness and vulnerability.
Yesterday, I started drawing up a Stress Risk Review with my manager, hopefully aiming to " tweak " my job in such a way that will allow me to be as productive as anyone else, while at the same time allowing me to allow for my depression/anxiety issues.
I find this a bit awkward as he is trying to convince me that my employers care about their employees, and I am trying to be positive about at least pretending to believe that, because he is obviously so genuinely trying to help me.
However, I no longer believe my employers care about anything except cutting budgets. So, I'm having to bite my tongue and very carefully not say certain things. ( Eg. that it might be easier to belive that my employers cared about their staff, if it hadn't been nearly two months between deciding that I needed a Stress Risk Review and actually starting it yesterday. And, my manager and I were planning to finish my Stress Risk Review today, but apparently now we'll carry on with it on Tuesday.......Sigh! So, it's a bit awkward at the moment. I'm not asking for any special treatment, don't want any special treatment, and really want to pull my weight in the office. But, simply being dumped with a job that I haven't been trained to do, might be tolerable for " normal " people, but I need to have a job EXPLAINED to me BEFORE I do it, not some time in the " misty future " when budgets, circumstances, or whatever might permit, or......not!
I know other people have FAR worse problems than me. I genuinely realise that. I do. But, my last bad day at work, when I genuinely felt? intended? to just limp home and end my life just left me feeling so worthless, and unable to cope. If I'm just dropped in the " deep end " again, I just feel as if I might not be able to " hold it together "
I've even, God forgive me, taken the admittedly desperate measure of ordering a " how to " book on how to end my life if things get to the point where I just don't see a way to " put Humpty Dumpty " back together again ". Although, I still plan on avoiding that.
Any of you Believers in God out there, I wouldn't say " No " to you putting a few words with God on my behalf!!!!