Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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shatteredhopes
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Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)

Postby shatteredhopes » Thu Feb 18, 2010 11:39 pm

Well, this morning started off with a collection call. It is the last of the debts that my ex-husband ran up in my name, as far as I know, and a few months ago they seemed prepared to write it off as fraud, but I guess they changed their mind. So the old fears returned and memories...that I would lose my house, lien then forclosure, end up homeless, trapsing from lawyer to lawyer trying to stave off disaster...at the time desperate to hang onto to the house so I could keep the animals, my source of unconditional love ongoing support and my family...

Remembering the time my husband was going to kill me...I was drunk and he placed me in my nightgown in the tub and ran the water, I happened to wake just as water was up around my mouth and nearly filling the tub to overflowing...he was going to just push my head under and it would have been perfect because I had so many suicide attempts he would have gotten away with it, but me waking shattered his nerves I guess and would have involved a struggle so his plan was foiled as he stood over me with his darkened eyes, begged me not to tell anyone...tried to say I'd thrown up on myself and he was washing me off, although water was crystal clear and nightgown unblemished and I'd been drinking jack and coke, and why fill the tub to overflowing? Anyway, I knew what he was up to...

The authorities suggested he might have been drugging my booze, the one thing I always did, drink...just like he drugged the girl sometimes, some of the photos she was asleep in, but not always drugged I guess because she knew enough to tell authories everything once the nude picture of her surfaced at her middle school. Turns out he had even gone to a doctor and asked to be castrated because he was sexually attracted to her, and yet they still gave him custody!

I remember when I was leaving him, calling a battered women's shelter when my mom wouldn't take me in, but they wouldn't let me bring my little dog, which he threatened to kill, so I wouldn't get away that night...

Yesterday, after a big cry, I tried to be positive hopeful and did little things to try to comfort myself and turn my day around. The call first thing this morning sent me on spiral from which there was no return, memories/flashbacks flooding over me...

I know its not logical, but the way it feels...you know how a cat plays with its prey before devouring it? Let it escape a little torture it a little having some fun...everytime I get a little good something or hope going, the rug gets quickly pulled out from under me like something is just letting me think I'm free and escaping, only to pull me back in...like something cosmically enjoys my suffering and torturing me...

That's the way it feels anyway.

Helps to write about it a bit.
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Fri Feb 19, 2010 7:18 am

(((((((((s-hopes)))))))))))

Hugs to you....

When the rug is pulled from under you, you pull it back & put it where it is supposed to be.

Please continue to have hope because you cannot let this all constantly rob you & keep you away from your goal of reclaiming yourself.

Edit: If you must, take back your rug at all costs... It's YOUR rug. Beat that person with it, if you must. Beat down those memories with your rug. You can do it.
~Crystal

I'm not exactly digging myself out of the hole but creating a tunnel to get out another way. Throwing dirt from one end of the pit to the other isn't going to get me anywhere. Instead, I'll create my own path.

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Postby Mich » Fri Feb 19, 2010 9:29 am

((((shatteredhopes)))).....I can't say it any better than crystalgaze. My thoughts are with you today. I keep hoping I will see you in the chat area....
What happened to you is terrible beyond words. But you have survived and you must not let this man claim your life. You are a strong fighter and you will rise up again and beat back these demons. I know you can do it. Let's do it together....please.
Mich

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Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Fri Feb 19, 2010 11:58 am

I can't say it any better than (((( crystalgaze and Mich )))).
I have also experienced the feeling you describe, ( Although, with far less cause than you! ), a sick feeling of suddenly losing all the ground so carefully and slowly gained in recovery, and feeling alone, terrified and helpless. It's a sickening feeling. But, like so many enemies we have to deal with in life, it's deceptive and can and must be beaten back.
You've survived far worse than what happened to you this morning. Please don't lose hope, please carry on reclaiming your life. Don't let the man who hurt you win!
Rest well tonight and be kind to yourself. And then tomorrow, to borrow a phrase: " let us live, and so confound our enemies! "
Captain Adelaide Brooke, holding a weapon on The Doctor: " State your name, rank and intention. "
The Doctor: " The Doctor, doctor, fun. "
Doctor Who: The Waters Of Mars

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Fri Feb 19, 2010 9:30 pm

((((((((((((tacking, mich, crystal)))))))))) thank you all so much for your caring, support, and encouragement.

The problem with the PTSD is that I can be going along okay, then some small trigger makes it all come into my present...depression is like that too, when I can do okay, then a little disappointment sends me spiraling. I try to keep my life low stress so as not to pour gasoline on the fire, but then I feel frustrated about not accomplishing much and not truly living and taking risks. Sometimes I can fight, sometimes I just have to try to nurse myself through it as best as possible.

After I got out of the one horrific hospital, for a long time the only reason I stayed alive was to fight my human rights case so they couldn't do to others what they did to me. I didn't achieve justice ultimately, but did force some dramatic changes that would help others. Maybe I should take a bit of that attitude with all those who have hurt me especially in recent years, that I should not let them "win" and destroy me over and over again or ultimately, finally...that I should fight back the only way I can, trying to reclaim a sense of peace and purpose in life, and find healing.

That if I go down...I should at least go down fighting to the last breath those "cosmic forces" that toy with, torture me...

I had a bit better day today, decided to postpone calling the bill collector until Monday and try to get myself psyched up to beg, plead for them to do the right thing and write it off as fraud or at least bad debt...I just don't want to lose my house :(...so I just have to hope for the best.

I didn't answer the phone today in case they were trying to call, and unfortunately, turns out I missed a call from my mom who wanted to buy me a sandwich :( oh well, at least I didn't have to deal with them...

It just seems in so many ways like I have been "sentenced" for his crime, that I am paying a hefty price in so many ways, that I am being punished.

I learned to forgive him, and he's in prison for 18 years anyway...but the hurt, and hurts traumas and losses from others, lingers and pollutes my present sometimes. I just burst into tears sometimes at the slightest trigger, or can't stop the memories...grief bites :(
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

Mich
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Postby Mich » Wed Feb 24, 2010 12:28 pm

((((shatteredhopes))))) I understand about triggers. It is so hard. I hope you called your mom back and that you had that sandwich together. I think you are very wise when you say the best way for you to fight back is to reclaim your life. It is my true wish for you....that you are able to do this. I love to read about times when you do your writing because that seems like a big step towards reclaiming your life. You are thought of often. Mich.
Mich

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Postby shatteredhopes » Tue Mar 02, 2010 8:45 pm

I was awakened this morning with a collection call for my ex-husband and day went downhill from there...very tearful day. Despite a friend emailing my piece to everyone in local political party, so far has no official backing. Then wanted to do something nice for someone, was rebuffed sortof by person's staff...googled my ex-boyfriend the other night, hated myself for doing it, just curious as to what he was writing...upset me more that I did it and didn't view anything that came up, thankfully. The littlest things just send me on a downward spiral.

I really, really try to be a nice person and do the right thing, I just don't understand why I have been hurt by so many so badly in recent years and desperately trying to figure out what if anything I did wrong that brought so much sorrow in my life. I know my minor parts in some stuff, but nothing justifies the absolute meanness I have been treated with, and I just don't understand...why? what did I do? what's wrong with me that people treat me that way? why are some people so cruel? so heartless that they don't care who they destroy? how could I have been so mistaken about some people and misreading them?

I really thought my ex-boyfriend was my soulmate, after waiting 9 years since my divorce before even taking a chance on someone, and so many 'signs' seemed to point to that he was the right one, and I loved him, and my life was otherwise so seemingly empty, so I put up with a whole whole lota stuff I now know I shouldn't have...he seemed to be making minor changes, but then broke up with me outa the blue, and did something obnoxious and when I called him on it, he got ticked and blocked me from contacting him on this site we were on together, and I suppose blocked my email and phone number too. It hurt so much, to be dumped then insult to injury, like a slap in the face...confusing and shocking and hurtful all at once...

How could I have been so wrong and misreading these 'signs'? Everytime I think I am following God's will for me and on the right path, it blows up in my face and I get hurt. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know. I hurt so much, so deeply and just wish I could die. Some people are just so cold hearted and don't care who they hurt or push over the edge.

Its like all this negative energy from so much hatefulness and cruelty and suffering in the world is just feeding off itself and becoming a self-perpetuating, exponentially expanding cycle...like "God" has been overpowered such enormous evil...that no matter what I do, what I try to do, no matter how much I try to do the right thing, I will suffer and not triumph...just suffer more...that the wicked prosper so often, and never have to pay the price for the horror they perpetuate...and sometimes, are even rewarded for their crimes against fellow humanity...like a real Monster is in control of reality. :(
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

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Postby hollyann » Tue Mar 02, 2010 11:26 pm

(((((((((((Hopes))))))))))) You didnt deserve any of what you've been through. Noone deserves that kind of treatment. And unfortunately people are good at putting a good front on around others but a lot of times the masks come off at home. PTSD is hard. I have it. And I've had a lot of therapy. I still get flashbacks and nightmares sometimes. And I get frustrated with my progress. Think I should be over this by now. I shouldn't let it get to me. etc. Truth is though, you didn't get this way over night, so it won't magically go away over night either. but it does get better. I've come along ways. And Sometimes when I get a flashback it cripples me for a while. But one thing I've noticed is that it doesn't take me as long to bounce back from it as it used to. And I tell myself that and I am happy with that kind of progress. You should be happy with it too. You do come back from it. There are things called grouding techniques that you can do to try and keep you in the present when you are having a flashback. Pet an animal is one of them. Concentrate on the texture, the feel, etc. It has a calming affect. Just the fact that you are able to talk about it means that you are coming a long ways and taking steps to take back the control. Hugs.

hollyann

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Postby shatteredhopes » Wed Mar 03, 2010 12:04 am

((((((((((Hollyann)))))))))) thank you for caring. I miss my animals soooo much, I cry at pet food commercials, and have some PTSD associated with their loss too...there are just so many traumatic things in my past, so many levels, I fear the future and what will happen next.

When I was being beaten regularly, a lot of times I just didn't know what I had done 'wrong' and developed fear of being accused of crime I didn't commit or punished for doing something I didn't do as a result. I felt a lot of shame when others did wrong things like I was to blame for them doing it or I somehow caused it. Think that's why it would freak me out so much to be handcuffed and shackled in going to the hospital and being treated as police matter, under deputy rather than medical supervision, just for calling 911 because I was suicidal. I will never call 911 again. Sometimes deputies were nice, sometimes really nasty. Police around here have no sensitivity training in dealing with the mentally ill, but in my state it is handled as police matter until you are officially admitted into a psych unit. One time a deputy handcuffed me to the bed for yelling at the doorway I wanted some medical attention (because my blood sugar was low). They leave you under deputy supervision for hours. It was so humiliating for instance to be paraded through the hospital emergency room in cuffs and shackles like a criminal, everyone stares. I would hang my head in shame. I am already ashamed to be mentally ill, and that would really just HURT.

I so wish I could afford therapy, as I feel I am finally willing to open up about the most traumatic stuff, so might finally find help. Unfortunately, there's no help available for me. I tried to get a fee reduction, which I was promised by a therapist, but the administrators denied it. I have a $40 co-pay, which is more than I spend in a week on groceries, and always down to one or two dollars at end of the month as money is so tight. They just don't consider some things, like auto insurance, necessary expenses, even though the state requires me to have it...and I have pre-existing debt that I don't want to default on...I checked into filing for bankrupcy, but its just not feasible right now, especially with changes in bankrupcy laws...and my credit was ruined when my ex-husband ran up debts in my name then went to prison without paying them off.

I am losing hope. Sometimes I manage a good day and a little hope, but the darkness when it comes is soooo overwhelming. I've just lost too much, suffered too much, and my life feels like punishment and I don't know what I did to deserve so much suffering and hurt; if I did maybe I could make it right somehow.

Most of my adult life I have spent trying to make a difference in this world. But anymore, I don't even want to try, as every time I even try, I seem to get hurt somehow or something bad follows. It just seems I have too many obstacles to doing even some of the most basic things.

I'm just tired, plain tired, of hurting. I don't know how much more I can take.
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

Mich
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Postby Mich » Wed Mar 03, 2010 9:03 am

(((((shatteredhopes))))) I am so sorry you are feeling so much pain. As you have told me many times, you have not caused this abuse and the terrible things that have happened to you. Please don't blame yourself. I want you to keep hanging on, just as I am. I want you to keep writing and sharing your beliefs even if not every piece gets published. Today it would make me happy if you would call your mom up and go out for a sandwich with her. Feel some caring from her today. You are loved and cared for here as well. Mich.
Mich

TackingIntoTheWind
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Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Wed Mar 03, 2010 10:50 am

I'm sorry that you're in such pain. I wish I had something wise, comforting, or insightful to say. I'm so scared that anything I do say will sound trite, cliched or empty....But, here goes... :?
I don't believe that you " deserve " anything that has happened to you. It is not your fault. I truly believe that to be fully human we need to interact with other human beings, which requires a certain level of trust, but in every trust there is the possibility of betrayal. It sucks, but I don't see a way around that. Although I do sometimes wonder if I can withstand exposing myself to further disappointment, I know that i can't survive feeling as alone or as isolated as I was last year.
There are cruel, thoughtless people out there. However, I like to think of something I once read in a novel. One of the most basic laws of the universe is that energy can be neither created or destroyed, only converted into something else. You cannot feed energy into a machine without something happening. If you put batteries in a torch, the energy in the batteries will be converted into light from the bulb. ALWAYS. It is a fundamental physical law of the universe. You cannot drain the batteries without light coming from the bulb. The stored energy in the batteries can be converted into light, or it can remain stored in the batteries, it CANNOT just be " lost ". ( Courage friend! I am inching towards my point, I do have one. Honest! :roll: )
So picture the universe, all of Creation as one vast machine. It is impossible to feed energy into that machine without a result, without an effect. Energy in, energy out. I like to believe that this is true, and also that, overall, the energy that we feed in returns to us. If you help others, help will be there when you need it. There may be a " time-lag " when it seems as if all is bleak, but overall, things balance. And as for the people, who feed in nothing but hate, cruelty, indifference, perhaps they will have an equal horron in store for them, perhaps that balances too...
Is that true? I don't know. But, it makes sense, and I like to cling to at least the delusion of a rational universe. :wink:
I don't say this lightly, I'm painfully aware of how empty and trite this might sound, but please do try to hang on, until this storm is past or at least abated.
This site, and this world WOULD be diminished without you. FACT!!!! :wink:
Captain Adelaide Brooke, holding a weapon on The Doctor: " State your name, rank and intention. "

The Doctor: " The Doctor, doctor, fun. "

Doctor Who: The Waters Of Mars

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Wed Mar 03, 2010 11:03 pm

((((((((((Mich)))))))) thank you for your support and encouragement my sister.

((((((((((Tacking))))))) I used to believe the world was like that, and I still hope it is, it just doesn't seem that way...when I was young and being beaten, after I was down for the count on the ground he would still keep kicking me...in the middle of the street...in the snow...that's so often what life feels like, when wounded and vulnerable and down for the count, life keeps landing more blows. Plus I am hyper sensitive right now and the slightest thing can upset me greatly and feel like a huge hurt, what to most people would be a minor thing to me is blown out of proportion right now.

I remind myself that Amnesty International bloomed out of a letter to the editor to a local newspaper that became a movement and ultimately the organization that has freed so many political prisoners. So, we never know when an idea will find its moment, so Mich, I will keep trying as much as can...but I also am reminded of one of the Greensboro 4 who took seats at the woolworths counter to try to integrate, and ultimately did through their courage and steadfastness, but one would suffer greatly in the years that followed. For a long time, he was considered that 'troublemaker' and could not get a job. Even though he had a college degree, he spent his life working as a janitor in a nursing home and suffered much throughout his life for his righteous act. I wonder if he knew what he would have to endure if he would do it all over again...he's deceased now, unable to see how honored the four are and the opening of the museum at the site commemorating this important non-violent act in starting a movement that resulted in integration of public places.

I am no longer brave, but gun shy, scared of what will happen next, afraid to take much if any risk, hiding in my house away from people. I really should go to my 12 step group, and there is political meeting next week, but I don't want to go. I know it would be good for me, but I just feel so often like I've given up, or am in too much pain to try anything that might result in even minor hurt that would send me reeling. The only person I want to see is my mom here and there, and strangers whom I interact with for only minutes at the grocery store or gas station. That's what happened with the chatroom, getting my feelings hurt, so I stopped going there, even though it was helping my spirits a great deal for a while.

It is a testament to how sick I am that I still miss my ex-boyfriend at times even though he treated me terribly a lot of the time, not all the time, but often, and especially at the end. I know in my head I didn't deserve that, so why do I miss someone who would do what he did to me? Does it stem from the original abuse, loving someone who brutally abused me, and thinking that was what love was? Feeling I deserved it in some way, or tolerating and accepting the hurt was just like hurting myself as a way of self-hatred? Why have I chosen so many who turned out to be real "blanks" in the way they treated women? And the good ones, I seemed to dump or somewhat intentionally drive away, as if I wasn't good enough...

So many questions running through my mind. Having to take benadryl lately getting so congested from so much crying of late. Helps to write out feelings and questions and memories and ship them off into cyber space, and especially when dear friends and caring people respond with supportive kind words and encouragement and love. I want to work on my novel, but I am afraid I am going to have to be in a better place to do it, as it draws on many painful and traumatic experiences in my life, and I just can't dredge it all up and write about without having someone to read it and respond and comfort me through it...if that makes sense. What I may do, so I can get to writing, is write about the experiences on this site as I am drawing upon them for my novel, so I will not be alone...

Thanks again (((((((((Mich))))))))))((((((((((((Tacking))))))))))
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

Mich
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Postby Mich » Thu Mar 04, 2010 6:59 am

((((((shatteredhopes)))))) You are always in my thoughts and each day I hope with all my might that today is a better day for you. I am sorry you got your feelings hurt in the chatroom. I look for you there in the hope that you will be there but now understand why you are not. I am not sure why I go there....I hardly say anything. I think it is some sort of connection to people for me. I cannot do it in real life, so through the computer is the next best thing.
Take care my sister. I am always here for you.
Mich

TackingIntoTheWind
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Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Thu Mar 04, 2010 11:05 am

(((( shatteredhopes )))), a lot of good questions...I wish I had some good answers! :?
I haven't gone through as much as you have, or as much as a lot of people on this site have. So sometimes, my posting anything on this site at all feels like unwonted arrogance, as if I have all, or even any of the answers?! But, if nobody posted anything, it wouldn't be a very useful site, would it? :) So, I throw out a few thoughts and ideas, ( Often poached from those FAR wiser than me! :oops: ), in hopes that they might help. " Thought friends ", to borrow a phrase from Ben Okri, that help me cope from day to day, or from moment to moment, depending on what kind of day I'm having.
You're right, the world can seem like a lonely, frightening and arbitrary place. I often feel the same way. I try to hold on to some faith that if you step back far enough, over time, the world does balance, there is a pattern to it all that makes sense, that progresses, that heals. I try to nurture the hope that there is hope. That, overall, kindness is repaid with kindness, and those who deliberately choose cruelty have an equal horror in store for them.
I suppose I'm talking about faith, and I'd be the first to admit that I'm not good at faith. :oops: But, it's something to cling to, and I suppose as long as I'm clinging to faith then I'm not utterly lost, not completely beaten.
Would the Greensboro 4 man have done the same if he had known how it would complicate his life? I don't know. But, I think it's reasonable to believe that he knew what would happen if he had done nothing. If all the civil rights activists had done nothing, then segregation might well exist today. If segregation had to be overthrown by so mighty a struggle, it seems unlikely that it would simply have evaporated if it was completely unchallenged.
Would he have done the same if he had known how it would damage his life? I don't know. But, what if he could have seen the future, our present?
What if he could have seen the painful, incomplete, but great strides that civil rights have made in the US up to now? What if he could see a black President in the White House!!!! What if he had been told that: " Your Greensboro protest will cause you loss and pain and sacrifice, but look at the United States in 2010, and see what your sacrifices and that of others will buy..." I like to think that he would have still done the same. That he would have seen the importance ofwhat he was doing.
Also, you're right about Amnesty International's origin. Two Portugese students, in 1960 I think, drank a toast " To freedom. " And were promptly arrested by the the secret police of what was then a dictatorship in Portugal. The founder of AI read about this incident, and wrote a letter to a newspaper.....And the rest is history.......( AI is still going strong, having saved so many lives and done so much good. And, Portugal, Portugals a democracy now. )
I understand fear and vulnerabilty, and feeling utterly depleted. I would ask you to give yourself time to rest and to be good to yourself. But, I would also ask you not to cut yourself off from a world that needs you, and all othe " people of good conscience. " Perhaps, ultimately, the world isn't " saved by the " Great and Famous ", but by the all-too-human but gentle, principle people who write novels and go to meetings, etc :wink:
Rest well, and take care of yourself. But NEVER underestimate your value! :)
Captain Adelaide Brooke, holding a weapon on The Doctor: " State your name, rank and intention. "

The Doctor: " The Doctor, doctor, fun. "

Doctor Who: The Waters Of Mars

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Thu Mar 04, 2010 11:27 am

(((((((((Mich))))))))) thank you so much for your love and friendship, it means soooo much I cannot express in words...

((((((((((Tacking)))))))))) reading your wise words made me cry (the good kind), moved me deeply. I am being selfish focusing on my pain when there is so much to be done in the world...sometimes I can't help it so I won't be angry with myself....but as much as often as I can I need to fight the good fight for progress. Please don't ever consider your rich posts as trite, I too worry when I try to offer support to others I somehow perceive as suffering much worse than me, but I think the best we can do is offer our friendship, support, encouragement, suggestions, or just brotherly love...it means the world to me, as I suspect it often does for others. And suffering is subjective, we really can't measure as what one person can bear another cannot and all our problems are huge to us. I empathize that this is going to be a tight month for you with the sick leave you had to take; I had my insurance deducted twice from my last check and it was much more expensive than last year and one of my meds is no longer covered so had to pay a chunk out of pocket...hard but with some sensible money management you will hang on...but please remember, sometimes splurging on a cheese on toast and tea is a NECESSARY expense for those of us suffering depression...treating ourselves in a cost-benefit analysis is important and well worth it...I remember learning about the law of diminishing returns when it comes to how the poor spend money...its better to have a half of month of happy and be a little tighter the remainder of the month than a whole month of just okay...sorry about the strike, but be brave as you are doing something for workers everywhere when you stand up for your rights...think of all those in the labor movement who won worker safety and fair wages and like the man from the Greensboro 4, in the long run your courageous act will help others, even though it will pinch your pocket a bit more in the short run...

TODAY...I cannot stop myself from being triggered or something from upsetting me...but for as long as I can as much as I can I am going to try to be POSITIVE and PRO-ACTIVE doing productive things.

TODAY...whether the universe balances or not...I am going to try to do the next right thing even it costs me something...and I am going to try to put aside those who hurt me and not let them consume my mind, whether justice due is received or not, I won't let them hurt me anymore for the moment I will draw strength from within and defy them by eradicating their actions from haunting me...

I'll let you all know how it goes!

Thanks again for the support dear friends!
"Sorrow floats" John Irving


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