A glimpse of a darker world (possibly triggering)

[ardent]

My parents once called me a mistake and when I was born nature tried to prove their point. I was born 3 months premature and spent the first months of my life in an Incubater. When I was 1 I had a severe case of pneumonia and got to spend weeks at the hospital, again.

I was often called an active child - this was before ADD became so popular - which was a mixed blessing. I could always entertain myself but regularly drove my parents nuts. My mother was emotionally withdrawn and my father molested and beat me. Not bad enough that I'd suffer PTSD or be deeply traumatized but enough to settle me with a host of personality disorders and an idea how cruel childhood can be. I have mixed feelings about mine, there were good times and bad times ... the good times were when I was at school or otherwise away from home, the bad times were, well home.

I was always much of a loner because I never learned good social interaction at home. My father taught me how to show affection by hurting others and my mother ... didn't teach me anything except how to be stand-off'ish. Add to that that I suffered from the delusion that I'm all alone in the wide world since the age of 6 or so, and well, small wonder I never connected with my peers.
School was always this magical place for me where people like me (kids) laughed, joked, pranked and enjoyed life yet I always felt like an outsider and it should take me years - till well in my teens - till I found any real friends. Till then I was mobbed, sometimes beaten, disdained by my classmates ... My teachers used to like me and I used to look for them as role-models but this too changed when I hit puberty and my rebellious streak manifested.

Puberty sucked. I found and lost friends, learned what heartbreak means, discovered self-harm as a source of pain-relief, my grades dropped, depression manifested, my parents divorced, I began to use drugs and the person I viewed as my best friend turned 180, betrayed me and literally tried to kill me ... all that over a girl I wasn't even interested in. Furthermore, I diagnosed myself with Borderline and Depression and got lost somewhere along the way.

It took two girlfriends that loved me despite all my failings (my only regret is that I was unable to love them in return like they both deserved), a selection of new friends (I can't thank them enough) that wouldn't let me do anything stupid and 10 years time till I found my way back to normalcy. I'm 26 now and will hopefully get into therapy soon.

All in all my life could have been way worse and in my nightmares it often is. That's why I chose the title I did, I see a darker world in my dreams and I'd like to finish this off with my favourite poem.

"Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
William Butler Yeats, "He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven'' (1899)

[crystalgaze]

Hi there ardent! ~waves~ So good to see you here. It's good that you will start therapy! Good luck!

Thank you for sharing! : )


((((((((((((( ardent ))))))))))))))))))

Good job for coming as far as you have come.

[ardent]

It seems I have taken a step back in recovery. A recent change in meds has made my dreamscape turn darker and more vivid. I didn't have a real nightmare yet but the dreams are bad enough to leave me in a dark mood upon waking. So far this has happened every day for a week or so and it usually takes me a couple of hours to recover my usual content feeling of self.

I'm going to bring this up with the pdoc when I see him next but I fear there is little that can be done to dispell those dreams.

[justin]

im sorry for what you had to endure ardent i had to endure an abusive father as well but i blocked alot of it out and i bealeve all he did was verbal and physical abuse. It is good to hear that you dont have ptsd or bad nightmares my meds help relieve me of mine. I hope all goes well for you

[ardent]

Thank you for your kind words.

Ardent. =)

[Obayan]

((( ardent )))

[ardent]

(((obayan)))