my story (trigger)
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Just an update. I start one on one and group therapy again come the 5th of next month. Until then, i'm doing my best to try and be here when i'm needed, remain calm, eat and sleep. Eating is hard. I eat but then it makes me sick. And i know that's probably from lack of sleep. But I go from not being able to sleep at all for 2-3 days to needing a nap every two hours for 2-3 days. So it looks like school is on hold. But not lost. And i'm going to get help. Again. And my cardiologist wants me to come in for some testing too. So, i'm dealing. One thing at a time, right?
I'm really glad you are getting some therapy and some well-deserved support. I think your current strategy is an excellent one - one thing at a time...just focus on your basic care like eating and sleeping. I know well the nausea that comes from lack of sleep. maybe just try things that are nice and simple like yoghurt,bananas,crackers and stuff?????? I am feeling very sick myself today and just had some plain porridge (think you call it oatmeal in America?) made with water which was quite soothing,maybe you could try that?
Keep looking after yourself and I hope things get better for you
Love Lisa x
Keep looking after yourself and I hope things get better for you
Love Lisa x
I think i've fallen into a melencolly state i can't break out of. Not sure i want to. So much better than the downs. I screwed up witht he therapy. Didn't start it. Going to have to make a new apt with a new doc to get it started. And already cancelled the school program to make room for the therapy. I been burying myself in my work in the meantime. It's not easy, but even on the long tough days I come away with a sence of satisfaction in keeping others safe and protected. protected. Strange. I took a personality test and it labeled me as "the protector". I like that. Maybe it should have said the "enforcer". I'm such a stickler for the rules. There's so much going on right now. New roommate but it's not really working out right i think. Daughter's anniversary with her hubby so I have the grandbaby overnight. Cut myself short on finances this month to give them the money to go out and have a nice anniversary. Least I can do for her. Still haven't gotten the tax refund on the purchase of my house this year. No school this year. Maybe not next year either. And still no therapy yet, which means no meds yet. But, I'm ok. I'm gonna keep taking things just one thing at a time and hope I make it thru it all. No flashbacks lately which is really really good. And I'm sleeping more now. Up to 5 hours a day now regularly. And eating better. So keep your fingers crossed and put up a prayer to the ancestors for strength, wisdom and patience. Night my friends.
I just realized something.... I did an entire post about what's going on with me. Kind of an update thing. And I didn't mention my hubby even once. Doesn't mean he isn't on my mind and in my heart. But I don't think my grief is dominating me anymore. I don't know whether to feel sad or glad about that. Maybe I am moving on with my life after all.
I just wanted to let everyone know that things are getting back on track.... again. I'm actually being productive. I've taken some of the advice here from all of you and am now doing something positive and productive with my time. I have gone back to writing again. I love to write children's stories. Soon my daughter will start coming back over again but until then we talk a lot on the computer and play games together. So I'm not alone. I swear sometimes it feels like i'm two different people living totally seperate lives. One has a good head on her shoulders and is smart and dedicated and caring. The other is down in a dark place and only wants to wrap the darkness around her and dissapear. I wake up each day and I never know which person it is that's going to be here with the real me today. Which one is the real me? Are they both me? My mind is so clear right now. My life is moving forwards. I"m building baby steps in my life now. But what will tomarrow be like? How long will this last? When I'm good like this... i eat, i sleep, i take my meds. That's the real me i wana be.
Dear God and all the Ancestors that went before me.... I pray now that you give me the strength to lead, the wisdom to survive, and the patience to endure. Show me the path that is laid before me and help me to keep from straying. Let me be the one that holds up others and give them the strength to keep breathing. Let me be the type of person who is creative and bring beauty into life. Let me forgive myself when I fail. And let me see the beauty that surrounds me. Amen.
Dear God and all the Ancestors that went before me.... I pray now that you give me the strength to lead, the wisdom to survive, and the patience to endure. Show me the path that is laid before me and help me to keep from straying. Let me be the one that holds up others and give them the strength to keep breathing. Let me be the type of person who is creative and bring beauty into life. Let me forgive myself when I fail. And let me see the beauty that surrounds me. Amen.
SO GLAD YOUR SEEING MORE CLEARLY
(((((obayan)))),,,for all my life i have shared the darkness with so many of you ,ive been bad ,,but mostly good here i hope ,,im glad your seeing a little more clearly now ,,its good to see ,,right now my life is good ,,apart from my wife,frans pain ,but being well gives me more strentgh to look after her ,,we havent spoken much have we obayan but we are good freinds i hope ,And while you travel this long road ,the journey so many of us travel in differant stages ,,if you should stumble reach out ,and i will catch your fall,,,,,take care we are all one here ,each a warrior in our own right ,,,hugs (((((obayan))))),, weather in the light or darkness never feel alone lots of love ken xxx
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
This is driving me crazy. I hate the up and down. On good days I'm one of the strongest survivors you will ever meet. I can do anything. I make plans on having a life that's worth living. I make plans on how to improve life for my daughter and grandchildren. I clean house. I cook. I take charge. I get things done. On bad days, I just want to die. I blow off whatever plans have been made even to the point of dissapointing the only person i have left in my life, my daughter. I'm not seeking attention or trying to end the pain. I literally want to die. I don't want to remember things anymore. I don't want to struggle to survive month to month. I don't want to have to make another single decision. I don't sleep hardly at all. I don't eat but once a day and very little then. My physical health wears me down while my mental health beats me up. But then another good day comes along and I start all over again. But even on a good day, I can't make a decision. I can't decide what I want to go to school for, even though I'm 48 and have the opportunity to go. Again. I've studied so many things and have so many degrees. Work in none of them. I lose interest. I started writing, and can't complete it. I own a car I can't drive cause I can't bring myself to leave the house. I bought a home I can't fix cause I just don't care to. Then I have days like today. Kind of just in between in the "blah" stage where I just don't give a damn about anything. Not even about the work I do which brings me a sence of belonging and makes me feel wanted and needed. Do I want to quit? No. I love what I do. So why have I written out my resignation 3 times now? Do I want to give up? No. So why have I refilled pain meds I don't have a need for and keep them in my bathroom "just in case". Do I want to write? Yes. So why can't I just sit down and do it? Do I want to see my daughter in a new house? Yes. So why have I cancelled the apt with the bank? Do I want on SSI? Yes. So why can't I bring myself to apply? It just doesn't make sence. I don't make sence. And this isn't even a bad day.... I give and I give and I give and I'm tired. I'm so damn tired. I thought I was getting better. I thought I was making headway towards being happy again. Now I'm back to crying every day. I sit in this house day after day..... watching the same dvd's.... re-reading the same books.... and thinking the same crap. I'm slowly going crazy in my own little hell of a prison. I feel invisible. I don't want to be alone. It's just the way things worked out. I don't want to be trapped here. I cry and nobody sees it. I yell and scream out in pain and nobody hears me. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to live a life full of memories and pain and hurt. But I can't bring myself to end it. I just can't. I'm afraid a bad is coming. One where i can. I'm close. I know I am. And I'm afraid. And this is a good day.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))
Dear Lady! How I wish you could see yourself as others see you. It is difficult almost impossible to follow the suggestions you give to others, but try, please try.
You know the need of YOU for your daughter, your grandchildren, and you hold on tightly to that. THEY NEED YOU, so do I! Friends are far and few between. Friends that I truly trust. People that know the real me.
Could tell you to set goals, get out and walk a short distances each day. Pick one neighbor and start saying hello to them. Buy some new books off of computer, as well as dvd. Most important, continue that writing, for I have read your talent of words and there is truly an amazing gift there. No matter the degrees, your talent lies within. Would going to college help with that? If so, by all means, do it. Your wonderful work should be in print for the world to read. A female "James Patterson" in the making.
It is easier to just give up, hell I know that, but you aren't a person to 'just give up', you are a fighter, through and through. In the military, a mother that never gave up, you had your child finally and YOU are doing all you can for her and the grandchildren. You set the example for so many in the room, here, and you don't even realize it.
My friend, I am here, will do what I can to support, will stand by your side, don't forget that. You are the one that has so so many talents, you are the one that loves with all you have. Sometimes that can lay heavy on you, at those times, you do know where I am and I will listen, I won't judge and will just give love in return.
(((((((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))) you are the best in my book!!!
Warmie/Jeanie
Dear Lady! How I wish you could see yourself as others see you. It is difficult almost impossible to follow the suggestions you give to others, but try, please try.
You know the need of YOU for your daughter, your grandchildren, and you hold on tightly to that. THEY NEED YOU, so do I! Friends are far and few between. Friends that I truly trust. People that know the real me.
Could tell you to set goals, get out and walk a short distances each day. Pick one neighbor and start saying hello to them. Buy some new books off of computer, as well as dvd. Most important, continue that writing, for I have read your talent of words and there is truly an amazing gift there. No matter the degrees, your talent lies within. Would going to college help with that? If so, by all means, do it. Your wonderful work should be in print for the world to read. A female "James Patterson" in the making.
It is easier to just give up, hell I know that, but you aren't a person to 'just give up', you are a fighter, through and through. In the military, a mother that never gave up, you had your child finally and YOU are doing all you can for her and the grandchildren. You set the example for so many in the room, here, and you don't even realize it.
My friend, I am here, will do what I can to support, will stand by your side, don't forget that. You are the one that has so so many talents, you are the one that loves with all you have. Sometimes that can lay heavy on you, at those times, you do know where I am and I will listen, I won't judge and will just give love in return.
(((((((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))) you are the best in my book!!!
Warmie/Jeanie
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
(((((((((((Obayan)))))))))))) you are such a special wonderful person...you are also one of the ops in the chatroom that not only gives of yourself to monitor the room, you provide sooooo much support to so many...you are strong and so kind dear lady and deserve good things.
What about taking creative writing classes online? That way, you would have writing deadlines and could write things you want to write exploring different techniques, styles, etc. I know you already have strong skills in the writing arena, but assignments would maybe get you motivated? I have also thought maybe we should start a little sub-group on this site of folks who want to write...be a special support group for each other whether we post in the art section or not...because depression can be so debilitating on our motivation and confidence. You had previously posted some of the children's stories you wrote here, and I think you do have a gift, a talent, that I would hate to see depression get the best of.
((((((((((Warmie)))))))))) gives good advice about trying to venture to get to know the neighbors...you are such an incredible cook....could you bake something to bring to share with neighbors? Maybe your daughter could go with you to bring something to the neighbors to give you extra courage?
Anyway, I know what is is to have a brief 'good' spell only to spiral again, whether I am bi-polar or simply mood swings with the PTSD, I have that too and its so frustrating. I was feeling really good yesterday for first time in long while, then something someone said upset me and I ended up crying in my room all night. But like you have told me, write down the positive things on your best days, and look them over on your bad.
Not only do you have all the physical and mental health issues, you are grieving dear friend...give yourself some allowances for that...grief is crushing and overwhelming at times...and as long as you were married to your beloved husband...its only natural you are still grieving that huge loss.
Can you maybe check ebay or amazon for some new books and dvds? Or join netflix? There are bookstores which send out sales newsletters with detailed descriptions of books too, so you can browse more effectively. Just challenge yourself to starting something new? Maybe buy a pretty journal or blank book to inspire you to jot down some story ideas?
(((((((((((((Obayan)))))))))))) you are a special special soul. And you are truly treasured by all of us here. Wish there was something I could say or do to help you feel better....just please hang on til some light comes again.
What about taking creative writing classes online? That way, you would have writing deadlines and could write things you want to write exploring different techniques, styles, etc. I know you already have strong skills in the writing arena, but assignments would maybe get you motivated? I have also thought maybe we should start a little sub-group on this site of folks who want to write...be a special support group for each other whether we post in the art section or not...because depression can be so debilitating on our motivation and confidence. You had previously posted some of the children's stories you wrote here, and I think you do have a gift, a talent, that I would hate to see depression get the best of.
((((((((((Warmie)))))))))) gives good advice about trying to venture to get to know the neighbors...you are such an incredible cook....could you bake something to bring to share with neighbors? Maybe your daughter could go with you to bring something to the neighbors to give you extra courage?
Anyway, I know what is is to have a brief 'good' spell only to spiral again, whether I am bi-polar or simply mood swings with the PTSD, I have that too and its so frustrating. I was feeling really good yesterday for first time in long while, then something someone said upset me and I ended up crying in my room all night. But like you have told me, write down the positive things on your best days, and look them over on your bad.
Not only do you have all the physical and mental health issues, you are grieving dear friend...give yourself some allowances for that...grief is crushing and overwhelming at times...and as long as you were married to your beloved husband...its only natural you are still grieving that huge loss.
Can you maybe check ebay or amazon for some new books and dvds? Or join netflix? There are bookstores which send out sales newsletters with detailed descriptions of books too, so you can browse more effectively. Just challenge yourself to starting something new? Maybe buy a pretty journal or blank book to inspire you to jot down some story ideas?
(((((((((((((Obayan)))))))))))) you are a special special soul. And you are truly treasured by all of us here. Wish there was something I could say or do to help you feel better....just please hang on til some light comes again.
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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
- Posts: 29195
- Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
- Contact:
What about taking creative writing classes online?
I know i want to be in school... just can't decide on what to study. Again, bouncing from subject to subject and not landing on any one thing. One day i wanna to this, then the next, i wanna do that..... got it down to either writing or psychology though....
I thought about organizing a block party.... like back in the old days.... but thinking about it and doing it is two different things.... one, it's expensive. two, how would i even get started?
as for my stories.... it's so easy to get started.... much harder to keep it going. i'm trying though....
i don't wanna give up. i really don't. i'm just so sick of doing it all alone.
Well, my dad did his 8 day visit and it wasn't near as bad as I thought it was. I'm still a dissapointment and a waste of air.... but this time I just said to him "glad i could be of some use pop. I'm taking up your air." smiled and continued on with what i was doing. Yay for me. I'm still a smartass in the face of adversity. Actually, it's my defense mechanism.... I smart off therefore i am... but let one single jerk make a comment about how i do my job and i fall apart. Why do i always have to be so damn needy all the time? I always feel like the biggest screw up in the world and need that outside comfirmation that i'm ok. Anyway, i loved having him here but i think he got the message when i dropped him off at the airport for his departure 2.5 hours early... lol
I know i want to be in school... just can't decide on what to study. Again, bouncing from subject to subject and not landing on any one thing. One day i wanna to this, then the next, i wanna do that..... got it down to either writing or psychology though....
I thought about organizing a block party.... like back in the old days.... but thinking about it and doing it is two different things.... one, it's expensive. two, how would i even get started?
as for my stories.... it's so easy to get started.... much harder to keep it going. i'm trying though....
i don't wanna give up. i really don't. i'm just so sick of doing it all alone.
Well, my dad did his 8 day visit and it wasn't near as bad as I thought it was. I'm still a dissapointment and a waste of air.... but this time I just said to him "glad i could be of some use pop. I'm taking up your air." smiled and continued on with what i was doing. Yay for me. I'm still a smartass in the face of adversity. Actually, it's my defense mechanism.... I smart off therefore i am... but let one single jerk make a comment about how i do my job and i fall apart. Why do i always have to be so damn needy all the time? I always feel like the biggest screw up in the world and need that outside comfirmation that i'm ok. Anyway, i loved having him here but i think he got the message when i dropped him off at the airport for his departure 2.5 hours early... lol
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