my story (trigger)

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Obayan
Posts: 4516
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
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Postby Obayan » Mon Nov 08, 2010 6:12 pm

I miss you too ((( warmie )))

Obayan
Posts: 4516
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Fri Dec 10, 2010 2:46 pm

You know what.... this is my damn house! I pay the bills here! So what if I don't take out trash but once a week. It gets taken out! So what if I don't run my dishwasher but once every 2-3 days. I have clean dishes! I admit I needed a lot of help when Harlan first died, but I haven't asked anyone for a damn thing in over a year now. Every month, I make sure my bills are paid. Me, nobody else. Every day I make sure I have what I need. Me. Key words... "what I need". I have my house set up the way I want it. To hell with anyone who doesn't approve or wants to bitch about it. This is my life and i am the one in control of it. Don't like it, get a life of your own. Then you can have everything in your life the way you want it to be and leave me alone! Keep your hands out of my bank account and keep your mouth shut when visiting and we will get along just fine. I'm 48 years old. I'm a grown woman. I don't need this shit nor will I tolerate another day of it.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
Posts: 29195
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Fri Dec 10, 2010 5:56 pm

(((((((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))

You stand your grounds Lady!!!!!! Proud of you.

Warmie

Obayan
Posts: 4516
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
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Postby Obayan » Fri Dec 10, 2010 7:35 pm

I'm tired of it jeanie. He doesn't like it that when he comes over at night to take a shower and eat his dinner that the laundry machine has baby blankets in it from where his daughter spit up all day. He doesn't like it that when he walks thru the kitchen to get to the laundry room there is trash in the can and not empty. He doesn't like it that there are clothes in the dryer where i been doing his families laundry all day. THEN GO HOME! I'm sick of it. You wanna complain.... use the complaint box. It's out back about 15 miles due south.

I'm supposed to be healing. Instead i'm cooking all day, doing laundry all day, cleaning house all day..... I'm doing more now than i was when i ended up in the hospital! Now i'm sick to top it all off. Had a sinus infection for 2 weeks now and it's moved into my chest. Can't take any more meds. Supposed to be detoxing for surgery! What in the world are they gonna do when i'm gone?

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crystalgaze
Posts: 2511
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
Location: USA

Postby crystalgaze » Sun Dec 12, 2010 2:02 pm

Take of you Obie! Also, you may have to just "let the chips fall where they may" in the end. {You may actually have no choice, since you will be going for surgery.}

((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))))))

Obayan
Posts: 4516
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Sun Dec 26, 2010 7:36 am

5 days before christmas, the host of the family christmas dinner announces no presents allowed. This is because some family members aren't able to buy presents this year and to avoid them feeling bad, nobody is to give gifts. I understand that. Unfortunately, i had already bought $400 dollars worth of gifts. I donated them.

Christmas dinner is here. I get to sit there and watch while everyone else eats. I eat a roll. It's the only item on the entire buffet that doesn't have onions in it or was cooked with onions. Even though they all know I'm severely allergic. It's ok. I was with family.

At the end of the evening, out of the blue, my brother in law says "harlan is dead. He's gone. Get over it. You don't have much time left. Find someone to be with here in town. Long distance crap don't work." I was shattered. Get over it...... I'm 48 years old. Half my life was spent at Harlan's side. It's less than 2 years since he died. How do I just "get over it"? Then they passed out presents to everyone but me. Oh they started out trying to hide it by taking people one by one to the back room. but by the end of the night they just said to hell with it and did it right in front of me.

It's 6am. I been up crying all night. I come in the room for help. I'm at the end of my rope. Between the medical, the mental and now this.... I don't want to go on anymore. I tried to lay down and go to sleep, but instead i was writing out the goodbye notes in my mind. I desperately needed help. Instead, what i got was "don't kill yourself" and "you'll make it". Then the topic was changed to mtf sex changes.

I'm so damn tired. 48 years i been fighting. I don't want to fight anymore. Why am I putting my body thru all this torture trying to get better when there isn't anything to get better for? So I can grow old and die alone in pain and miserable? I don't even want an answer anymore. I just want it to be over. I want to finally have some kind of peace in my life. but i'll never have it. Not in this life. All i've ever known was pain. It's all i'm ever going to know.

shatteredhopes
Posts: 664
Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
Location: U.S.

Postby shatteredhopes » Sun Dec 26, 2010 9:11 am

((((((((((Obayan))))))))))))) big big hugs sister.

This holiday season was difficult for me too, but from the sound of it, not as brutal as yours. I am trying to accept for myself, and so as I give this advice to you know I'm not there yet either...people in our lives come and go. Some hurt us, others we hurt even if unintentionally, some betray us, some drift away, some pass away...the only constant we can count in life is ourselves. We have to learn to love ourselves and enjoy when we have people we love in our lives, but recognize the only one we can really count on is ourself. We have to learn to love ourselves, accept our own company, find contentment on our own...with or without a mate or friends. You are fortunate that you have your daughter and grandchildren. At least for now, I have my mom. We are luckier than many out there who have absolutely no one.

For a long time I lived to make a difference. We cannot count on receiving love, but we can always give love. What about through your writing? All the support you give in the chatroom? You are making a difference in others lives, making your mark on the world, making the world better by your very presence. The world would be poorer without you. Please let that be enough if just for today, just get through today, one day at a time. If you have goals or dreams, like writing a children's book, please fantasize a little, pursue, and let that give you a bit of hope to carry on.

It is shameful the way your family treated you. Maybe its time to let them go with love. Be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself as you do for so many of us here and your daughter and grandchildren. Watch movies you love, listen to music, enjoy something you like eat, take a long hot bath, do whatever you can to comfort yourself that gives even the slightest bit of pleasure or momentary relief from the overwhelming pain.

We love you here Obayan. Your family is here. I am sorry about the bad experience you had in the chatroom, its that way sometimes as you know. Its frustrating. But you know as I do sometimes we just don't know how to help or what to say in the face of someone's overwhelming pain.

I am here for you. I will even give you my phone number if you want to call or I can call you (I have unlimited long distance in USA) if you want to talk. Just let me know.

Love, hugs, and wishing you a little light.

Obayan
Posts: 4516
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Sun Dec 26, 2010 3:19 pm

((( shatt )))

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sun Dec 26, 2010 6:31 pm

(((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))

I am truly sorry things were as they were. Would make things right for you if I could. Just know you do have us, and you do know how to get in touch with me.

Warmie

Obayan
Posts: 4516
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:10 am

I talked to "you know who" and he set me back on the straight and narrow, but i honestly feel so guilty cause i'm so needy all the time. I'm always so down here lately.... He used to tell me I'm a hell of a woman, but honestly, i just feel like hell. Seems like these past few weeks all i do is complain and be sad. Normally I can pick myself back up, brush off the lint, and move on. But nothing is normal anymore. Least of all me.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
Posts: 29195
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Mon Dec 27, 2010 7:54 am

(((((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))

Talking "with you know who" about how you feel or what is going on isn't complaining. You have someone to share with, that cares. Remember that please.

You are dealing with a lot and doing it. You aren't alone hon.

Warmie

Obayan
Posts: 4516
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Sun Jan 02, 2011 10:21 am

Not looking forward to tomarrow. Anniversary of Harlan's passing and "you know who" isn't going to be available to talk to. Keep the phone lines open warmie. You may just hear from me. It's not even tomarrow yet and i already feel it hitting me.

Obayan
Posts: 4516
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Thu Jan 27, 2011 7:56 am

Ok. I took a step to getting outside of my own comfort zone and into a life again. I found a temple in my area and i'm starting classes. Not studying on my own anymore. It will be structured and more well rounded teachings. So I'm excited and terrified at the same time. :) Wish me luck.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
Posts: 29195
Joined: Mon Jun 05, 2006 8:46 pm
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Thu Jan 27, 2011 8:34 am

((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))

Sorry I missed the one, but you know my phone line is always opened for you.

Good luck with the new adventure. Truly hope it works out well for you. We all need something to hold onto.

Warmie

TackingIntoTheWind
Posts: 1060
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
Location: South Wales

Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Thu Jan 27, 2011 11:45 am

Wishing you the best of British luck, (((( Obayan ))))!!!! :)
I really hope that it works out well for you. I hope and trust that it will! 8)
Just take it easy, and please remember that there are MANY people wishing you all the best! :)


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