my story (trigger)

[Jaymn]

(((Obayan )))

[Obayan]

I have good days and i have bad days. I have a garden in my mind that is full of love and hope that i try to fertilize as often as i can. But there is a dark cloud that hovers above and never goes away. Never a moments peace never an inch given. I kno what my shortcomings are. I'm so very thankful for all of you here that remind me of what my accomplishments are as well. It's so hard to see clearly when that fog surrounds me. I know it's just words, but the love i see behind the words here is a treasure that i covet. Even in the darkness. I know i've lost the funding on the new house. So, that just means it will take me a little bit longer to save up a deposit to get a regular morgage. I know i lost the funding on the school. So, that just means i'll buy the books and teach myself. If i can't afford to buy them, i'll get them on loan from the library until i can afford them. I've been fighting this war for so many years now... why stop now?

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))))

Just know I am always about. What friends do.

Warmie

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks (((( Obayan ))))!!!! If I've done anything to support or encourage you, you've more than repaid me, by the support and encouragement that you've given me.
Watching someone else meet with adversity and pick themselves up again as you have, gives me added hope and encouragement that I can do the same. Respect is due!!!! I don't doubt for a moment that you WILL achieve what you set out to do, no matter how winding the road may turn out to be!!!! ( Are you sure that you're not Welsh?! )

[Obayan]

Actually, i'm 1/2 apache, 1/4 irish and 1/4 german. And all temper at times.

I have what my doc calls a "protector" personality. Makes sence beings the only three things i'm proud of ever doing was being a soldier in the army serving my country and working here to help keep it a safe place to be and spending years feeling completely fulfilled taking care of my husband. I'm always looking for purpose in my life. Someone else to concentrate on so i don't have to look too closely at myself. Now there's only me left and i have nobody else to look at. So this past year has been one of growth spurts and setbacks. But i also look around me and i see people like you and jeanie and grok and holly and stephen and andrew and ardent and many others and i think how damn lucky i am to be so blessed with such love all around me. People who accept me for who I am even with all my faults. I really am blessed.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))))

Guess you are stuck with this German/Irish person by the name of Warmie. You poor thing, sorry!



Warmie

[Obayan]

Warmsoul.... to be lost on a deserted island and nobody to call friend but you would be a good life to have and one i treasure.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))

Us on a deserted island. Now do tell me how you are going to do all that fantastic cooking?

Thank you for thinking of me that way, you are a special friend to me as well, you just say it prettier.

Warmie

[justin]

so sorry you had to go through all that Obayan i honestly hope you can feel better some hopefully sooner then later. I wish i could say something more useful but i feel pretty useless in this matter and for that i am sorry.

[Obayan]

Justin, having a friend and knowing they care is never useless. Thank you for the kind words.

[Obayan]

I go in the chat room, and soon as I get there all I want to do is leave. I have a friend I talk to. Soon as I dial the number all I want to do is hang up. I can't wait for the days to pass and for it to be saturday again so I can have my grandson, but as soon as he's here, i want him gone. I despise sitting in this house day after day all alone, but as soon I go somewhere all I can think of is how soon it is until I'm home again. I sit here in this house in the silence and i feel like i'm about to crawl out of my skin. I go outside, and I can't stand for people to look at me, touch me, talk to me. I've got to get out of this house, this town, this state, but I can't. I'm going crazy sitting here day after day just existing and not living. I study. I do crafts. I watch movies. I read books. I write stories. Nothing helps. Nothing is filling this hole inside of me. And the hole is getting bigger. It's going to consume me. Eat me alive. I feel like I'm already dead and I'm just waiting for my body to catch on to it. I'm going to talk to my doctor about going into the hospital for a few days. I need help, and I'm going to ask for it.

[lisalou]

well done you for realising you need help and having the strength to ask for it. and well done for continuing to try and fight your depression. I know well the feeling of being so miserable you just want to jump out of your own life and out of your own head

I wish there was something more profound or helpful i could say but i'll just close by saying i am thinking of you and wishing you well. you contribute so much to this forum and deserve some understanding,peace and happiness in return

Lisa x x

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))))

A big step, talking to the doctor, but so thankful you are going to do that.

Do you know how I worry about you? You are a friend and not hearing from you worries me. Please dear lady, stay in touch.

Warmie

[Obayan]

I don't know what to do. I love my kitten very much. She comforts me and loves me and provides much needed company. But she won't stay off my husband's memorial. She's already spilled his ashes and just now she nocked off the candles I have there the navy gave me from his funeral services. I can't seem to break her from this. The older cat doesn't go near that display. It's just the baby. I don't want to have to get rid of her but it tears me up so much when she does this.....

[lisalou]

that must hurt so much to have something so precious disturbed. my kittens were little nightmares when i first had them but it is just a phase they go through. any way you can put your memorial things up on shelf level for now? or a good way to deter them from something is spray them with water every time they go near it. after a little while even having the water bottle near the memorial should put them off! hope that helps. cats cant stand citrus products either so apparently having orange peel by something will keep them away,it works on foxes. i realise that might not be appropriate though,having fruit skin surrounding something so special!

Lisa x