My story- any help? (Triggering material)
Posted: Sun Nov 29, 2009 10:42 pm
My hardest bout with depression started 2 years ago during a cold October. I had just moved home from my first stint of independence outside my home, and had been in good spirits. I left the house I was with because my roommate had became pregnant, and I wanted to give her and my best friend who was having the child with her, and also living in the home, some space and respect this new phase in their life.
It also was the begining of realizing that people were moving on with their lives while I was stagnent. My friends, mostly university students from well to do backgrounds, clashed with my life dramatically. I was raised in a family with no post-secondary under the house, and both of my parents worked in factories. My familie's ideas of life were much different than my friends and their families. I always viewed myself as somewhat of a novelty- I was the slightly older, carefree, funny poor guy who didn't mind bumming from one low income job to the next. My friends were soon begining to graduate University. I was stuck in a rut. I had no romantic relationships, my family had moved onto new hobbies and were spending their time more and more away from the home, and I had no education or real joy in my work.
Soon after moving home, depressed, I began to watch some old episodes of Fawlty Towers. In this episode, Basil, the lead character was caught by his wife in comprimising situations with a younger woman that made it appear as if he was innapropriatly interacting with her.
One line spurred a memory that I haven't been able to get out of my head again for the last two years.
"You can run around groping women..."
About a year before I was going through a phase in my life that I think many young people experience in one way or another. I enjoyed to go out and drink, and would often like to go out for more than a few drinks on a friday or saturday night. During this time I wanted to confront an issue of mine, as well. The issue that I was afraid of relationships, intimacy, sex and just about any type of physical contact.
For years, I never asked a woman out or tried to start a relationship, though I desperatly wished to experience this. I went on many dates with one woman in particular, with whom I obviously shared feelings of affection for. I could not, out of fear of offending her, however, bring myself to connecting in any way physically with her or even trying to make our relationship more concrete. I dated one girl for six months and could not even bring myself to kiss her for fear of rushing her or making her feel pressured.
Needless to say, I had many self-esteem issues that I didn't acknowledge as the time, and still to this day to many degrees.
I found myself that October, I beleive at a bar in my hometown. Out with a friend, I had drank more than my fair share and was mingling with the locals in my hometown that night. Outside on the patio, i sat beside a woman and, for whatever reason, felt attracted to her. I wanted to know why so many people I knew enjoyed going out and making out with strangers, having on the fly moments. Perhaps teh reason I was so intimidated by kissing and physical contact was simply because my experience was so limited. Long story short, I wanted to kiss this woman, and did. I kissed her for what must have lasted a second or two, quite sloppilly as I recall, in a sort of makeout attempt. She never turned her head, screamed, asked me to stop, etc. etc. etc. as I surely would have given the circumstance. I acted on my instinct, and wasen't thinking fully. Then , for some reason, I touched her butt cheek. Details of what happened next were vauge, but I know that my natural reluctancy and fear of physical touching likely kicked in and I stoped myself. Where I got the idea to do this or why I did it is a forgein concept really to me. A friend of the woman approached me later and asked if "I was the one who tried to stick my tounge down her friend's throat". Naturally, I was on the defensive. Her wording maybe have been deliberatly pointed or meant to be more light, I can never be sure, but I said 'no'. Afterwards, I remember feeling rather silly about it all , but not really questioning my morality or anything of that degree. I knew it wasen't eh smartest thing in the world to do, but I also knew that my intentions were to have an experience with this woman, noble or not, and that in no way had I heard or sensed any desire for me to stop or that she was uncomfortable.
When I heard Basil Fawlty's wife use the word grope one year later, however, a new reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
In my head, I became a rapist, sexual predator, pervert, harraser. I was a monster who did not deserve life.
I could not get the thoughts out of my head. Surely this woman was scared and damaged by my actions. She must have been. I refused to think otherwise. I could not put the reality together. We were at a bar. Drinks were had. I have no reason to beleive that she wanted me to stop or leave. I meant no harm through my actions. I was not trying to show my dominace or felt I had some right to her- I was seeking the experience with her, and that was all.
Now, in some ways, even after talking to a very effective counciller , I cannot get over the feelings of moral deficency. I feel as if there must be some issue at the core of my brain which makes me do bad things. I don't consider myself a bad person, I made a mistake. But we cannot have a society where people are constantly making mistakes. What happens when one rapes or muders? Can they simply brush off what they have done as a mistake?
I don't want to continue my life this way because I feel that I have failed to be a morally just and responsible individual . I have not only failed in my earthly pursuits of education, work and personal life, but also in the realm of moral compentency. Surely, there must be some accountability for the mistakes one makes in life. What is the purpose of me continuing this life when I know I have the capabaility to fail in such a way? Surely, my resources and space would be better served to those who keep their morality. The fact is that I could have done damage in this woman's life. For this fact, I feel I am a danger and harm to my society. I cannot contribute to this world thinking and worrying about this 24/7. I am exhausted from this worry and guilt.
It also was the begining of realizing that people were moving on with their lives while I was stagnent. My friends, mostly university students from well to do backgrounds, clashed with my life dramatically. I was raised in a family with no post-secondary under the house, and both of my parents worked in factories. My familie's ideas of life were much different than my friends and their families. I always viewed myself as somewhat of a novelty- I was the slightly older, carefree, funny poor guy who didn't mind bumming from one low income job to the next. My friends were soon begining to graduate University. I was stuck in a rut. I had no romantic relationships, my family had moved onto new hobbies and were spending their time more and more away from the home, and I had no education or real joy in my work.
Soon after moving home, depressed, I began to watch some old episodes of Fawlty Towers. In this episode, Basil, the lead character was caught by his wife in comprimising situations with a younger woman that made it appear as if he was innapropriatly interacting with her.
One line spurred a memory that I haven't been able to get out of my head again for the last two years.
"You can run around groping women..."
About a year before I was going through a phase in my life that I think many young people experience in one way or another. I enjoyed to go out and drink, and would often like to go out for more than a few drinks on a friday or saturday night. During this time I wanted to confront an issue of mine, as well. The issue that I was afraid of relationships, intimacy, sex and just about any type of physical contact.
For years, I never asked a woman out or tried to start a relationship, though I desperatly wished to experience this. I went on many dates with one woman in particular, with whom I obviously shared feelings of affection for. I could not, out of fear of offending her, however, bring myself to connecting in any way physically with her or even trying to make our relationship more concrete. I dated one girl for six months and could not even bring myself to kiss her for fear of rushing her or making her feel pressured.
Needless to say, I had many self-esteem issues that I didn't acknowledge as the time, and still to this day to many degrees.
I found myself that October, I beleive at a bar in my hometown. Out with a friend, I had drank more than my fair share and was mingling with the locals in my hometown that night. Outside on the patio, i sat beside a woman and, for whatever reason, felt attracted to her. I wanted to know why so many people I knew enjoyed going out and making out with strangers, having on the fly moments. Perhaps teh reason I was so intimidated by kissing and physical contact was simply because my experience was so limited. Long story short, I wanted to kiss this woman, and did. I kissed her for what must have lasted a second or two, quite sloppilly as I recall, in a sort of makeout attempt. She never turned her head, screamed, asked me to stop, etc. etc. etc. as I surely would have given the circumstance. I acted on my instinct, and wasen't thinking fully. Then , for some reason, I touched her butt cheek. Details of what happened next were vauge, but I know that my natural reluctancy and fear of physical touching likely kicked in and I stoped myself. Where I got the idea to do this or why I did it is a forgein concept really to me. A friend of the woman approached me later and asked if "I was the one who tried to stick my tounge down her friend's throat". Naturally, I was on the defensive. Her wording maybe have been deliberatly pointed or meant to be more light, I can never be sure, but I said 'no'. Afterwards, I remember feeling rather silly about it all , but not really questioning my morality or anything of that degree. I knew it wasen't eh smartest thing in the world to do, but I also knew that my intentions were to have an experience with this woman, noble or not, and that in no way had I heard or sensed any desire for me to stop or that she was uncomfortable.
When I heard Basil Fawlty's wife use the word grope one year later, however, a new reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
In my head, I became a rapist, sexual predator, pervert, harraser. I was a monster who did not deserve life.
I could not get the thoughts out of my head. Surely this woman was scared and damaged by my actions. She must have been. I refused to think otherwise. I could not put the reality together. We were at a bar. Drinks were had. I have no reason to beleive that she wanted me to stop or leave. I meant no harm through my actions. I was not trying to show my dominace or felt I had some right to her- I was seeking the experience with her, and that was all.
Now, in some ways, even after talking to a very effective counciller , I cannot get over the feelings of moral deficency. I feel as if there must be some issue at the core of my brain which makes me do bad things. I don't consider myself a bad person, I made a mistake. But we cannot have a society where people are constantly making mistakes. What happens when one rapes or muders? Can they simply brush off what they have done as a mistake?
I don't want to continue my life this way because I feel that I have failed to be a morally just and responsible individual . I have not only failed in my earthly pursuits of education, work and personal life, but also in the realm of moral compentency. Surely, there must be some accountability for the mistakes one makes in life. What is the purpose of me continuing this life when I know I have the capabaility to fail in such a way? Surely, my resources and space would be better served to those who keep their morality. The fact is that I could have done damage in this woman's life. For this fact, I feel I am a danger and harm to my society. I cannot contribute to this world thinking and worrying about this 24/7. I am exhausted from this worry and guilt.