BRUTALITY: POSSIBLE TRIGGER

[shatteredhopes]

Right now every little thing is seen through the magnifying glass; someone cuts me off in traffic or says the slighest rude thing to me. Its more than I can take. Why are some people so cruel? The opposite can be true. I can remember a time when a smile from stranger at the grocery store or some strange man opening a door for me was the only reason I didn't end my life that day.

I remember calling 911 emergency to go to the hospital as I could not drive in that state. Because it was for mental illness, I was picked up by police, handcuffed, shackled, even though I was going willingly and had no weapons. It was so humiliating to be marched into the hospital that way, like a criminal and held in handcuffs while I went over insurance information with the clerk in the lobby. Then, I was taken to a room. I was interviewed by a social worker briefly. Then held for four hours under law enforcement supervision until I was ready for formal admission. That is my state's official policy, even though I have never been convicted of a crime and have never wanted to harm anyone other than myself. My blood sugar was low from not having eaten in a long time (I suffer hypogycemia), but no food. At one point I walked into the hall and called out "CAN I GET SOME MEDICAL ATTENTION?" So the deputy handcuffed me to the bed. I was so upset, sick, depressed, afraid...I will never call 911 again. If I ever go to a hospital again, it will be out of state.

There was a man who was schizophrenic (sp?) having an episode. The police were called, he was holding something. They said they thought it was a gun, so they shot him 21 times. Not one disabling shot. 21 times for a comb. His family filed a federal civil rights case. They lost.

When most in need of compassion and kindness, it seems that's when I face the most brutality. My ex was not always mean, in fact he was wonderful much of the time. But he was definitely Jekyll and Hyde. What he did was not terribly cruel compared to some of what I have suffered, but in my weakened state, it sent me spiraling, and was like the end of the world.

I know so much stems from the abuse I suffered. The issues of blame, fear of being blamed for something I didn't do (just as sometimes I don't know what I did that made him beat me), feeling responsible for things that are in no way my fault...I was trying so hard to get out of that mode, now I have slipped back in. I know where it stems from, I just don't know how to change it. How do you hold others to account or responsible for wrongs while still forgiving?

I cannot forgive the hospital yet. Even though they made changes, they did it under the orders of the human rights commission. The slimy administrator fought the whole way, and the hospital covered up and failed to investigate part of my claim. They got the Attorney General involved to defend them. I feel like they got away with a lot, and that doctor should lose her liscense and the administrator should be fired. But that's not going to happen. Because I was so messed up by what they did, I could not stand up to file a criminal case, tort action, nor a federal civil rights case. Now, worse, possibly prompted my human rights claim, the legislature has now made it somewhat easier for the doctor to get away it in the future.

The mental health system is so messed up. In some ways, parts are so barbaric still. A little kindness and compassion would go so far!

When you try to be nice to everyone and are so beaten down you cannot stand up for yourself, some people just walk all over you. How do I learn to stand up for myself again? How do I hold people responsible, instead of blaming myself, and still forgive? How do I stop the overwhelming sense of shame, like I am the most awful person in the world, or the feeling of being personally attacked?

[xn728]

i get angry when people do this also ,fran has had to on occasion pull me back in the car ,i feel worthless today ,but i have to go on ,here at home everyone expects it ,but inside im crumbeling fast ,i have lost my identity ,and the writing here im sure cannot be mine ,you will be strong s/hopes we all feel like you do now at times ,nearly all the time for me ,im always on duty for someone ,i always say it to myself ,there all killing me they really are ,,,,,,,,stand up s/hopes ,,,,,be strong for all our sakes be strong ,,,,,,,ken,,,,,, so you see not alone ,someone else shares your pain ,my good freind half is mine

[xn728]

hi s/hopes are you feeling ok ,i hope so .if not stay strong ,i read your poem yesterday ,there a lot of feelings in there ,stay safe now ,,,,,,ken