Blame, forgiveness, self-doubt...WARNING: POSSIBLE TRIGGER
Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 11:13 pm
I was married and my husband and I were volunteers for a children's home. I suspected he was abusing the young girls, and reported my suspicions to a number of people...I was basically dismissed, mentally ill, PTSD part from statutory rape. I didn't have proof, only a gutt feeling. Anyway, I decided if I could even think such a thing about him, the marriage was clearly over. So I left. Years passed. I reached a point where I was happy for the first time in my life. Then I got the call.
He had basically purchased himself a child, and he was caught.
I blamed myself. If I wasn't so messed up mentally, they might have investigated more, done more...if I hadn't been such a terrible wife, he wouldn't have abused that girl. Compounding everything, he failed to transfer some of the debts, and the creditors started to call...I lost my alimony of course when he went to jail. I could have sued for a portion of the assets owed me, but then the money wouldn't be there for the poor girl. So I went into financial ruin, grew ever more depressed, and had to leave a job I loved because I was unable to work. It was once again as if I was being severely punished, but for his crime, hence it must be my fault, or something wrong with me.
As a kid, I remember once being down for the count he'd beat me so bad, as I lay shivering in the snow in the coat he'd ripped up. Even though I was already down, he kept kicking and kicking and kicking me hard. Insult to injury.
I spent so many years trying to not hold myself responsible for things that were not my fault, accept shared responsibility for things partially my fault, but also to learn to stand up for myself when I was wronged, such as when I was mistreated by the hospital. Filing that human rights complaint was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, reliving the experience over and over...but as a result, dramatic reforms were made and hospital policies in direct contradiction to the human rights regulations were exposed and corrected.
In recent years, I have had a hard time forgiving a few people because I am so hurt by what they did and still suffer the pain and damages. Yes, I blame them for some of my pain. Some of it was related to my own defects that openned the door, but that in no way justifies what they did, just as I may have done something wrong as a kid, but didn't deserve to be completely beaten up. I feel bad I haven't fully forgiven, but I am trying.
My ex-boyfirend's last words to me....stop blaming everybody else and look at yourself. Now I'm all messed up. Blaming myself again. Then getting into victimology where nothing's my fault. Then blaming myself again.
I feel like I must have done something terrible or something must be really wrong with me and so a wrathful God is punishing me.
I'm really messed up right now, and hurting. I'm afraid of going of the deep end again, going insane...
He had basically purchased himself a child, and he was caught.
I blamed myself. If I wasn't so messed up mentally, they might have investigated more, done more...if I hadn't been such a terrible wife, he wouldn't have abused that girl. Compounding everything, he failed to transfer some of the debts, and the creditors started to call...I lost my alimony of course when he went to jail. I could have sued for a portion of the assets owed me, but then the money wouldn't be there for the poor girl. So I went into financial ruin, grew ever more depressed, and had to leave a job I loved because I was unable to work. It was once again as if I was being severely punished, but for his crime, hence it must be my fault, or something wrong with me.
As a kid, I remember once being down for the count he'd beat me so bad, as I lay shivering in the snow in the coat he'd ripped up. Even though I was already down, he kept kicking and kicking and kicking me hard. Insult to injury.
I spent so many years trying to not hold myself responsible for things that were not my fault, accept shared responsibility for things partially my fault, but also to learn to stand up for myself when I was wronged, such as when I was mistreated by the hospital. Filing that human rights complaint was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, reliving the experience over and over...but as a result, dramatic reforms were made and hospital policies in direct contradiction to the human rights regulations were exposed and corrected.
In recent years, I have had a hard time forgiving a few people because I am so hurt by what they did and still suffer the pain and damages. Yes, I blame them for some of my pain. Some of it was related to my own defects that openned the door, but that in no way justifies what they did, just as I may have done something wrong as a kid, but didn't deserve to be completely beaten up. I feel bad I haven't fully forgiven, but I am trying.
My ex-boyfirend's last words to me....stop blaming everybody else and look at yourself. Now I'm all messed up. Blaming myself again. Then getting into victimology where nothing's my fault. Then blaming myself again.
I feel like I must have done something terrible or something must be really wrong with me and so a wrathful God is punishing me.
I'm really messed up right now, and hurting. I'm afraid of going of the deep end again, going insane...