Tales from the Angst Theatre... (Potential Trigger)

[DarthKobold]

Okay, so here we go.

I've had issues with depression as far back as I can remember. But for a long time, I thought I had them under control. I wasn't lethargic, or apathetic, and I didn't spend too much of my time feeling sorry for myself. When the feelings came, I could fight them off.

But then my girlfriend at the time cheated on me with four of my friends, then blamed me for it on account of my "not being intimate" though I was as often as possible. Regardless, this shook my faith in her and the people around me, and the depression swings began to get worse and worse.

Eventually, I became suicidal, and she, citing my new self-pitying outlook on life dumped me for another man. We'd been together for five years. She later did roughly the same thing to the next guy, so go figure.

Needless to say, I did attempt to kill myself. With a pan of water and a toaster. I didn't do it, obviously. However, I don't really remember how the event ended. It's just a blank. Probably for the best.

I spent a long time after that in another city, away from my oldest friends, surrounded by a bunch of assholes who reliably and constantly stabbed me in the back.

I saw a few women, but none of them were who I was looking for. After a while, I pretty much stopped the dating thing.

I found some reliable friends. I was even the priest at one of their weddings.

However, I tried to stay friends with my ex, but she sort of just kept on treating me like her emotional punching bag whenever she needed it, and after a while, I told her to grow up and leave me alone.

She responded by writing a letter full of hate and hurt toward me, culminating in telling me that the time she spent with me was a "living hell." This left me very shaken, and despite my best attempts, it is still difficult to ignore her words. Once upon a time, after all, they were my gospel.

But I've tried my absoulte best to put myself back together. Going back to school and trying to get my life going in some direction. Want to move back to California someday. Do a whole lot of things on the way.

But often, whenever someone around here finds out that I'm from California, people give me this look, and start treating me differently. Like they think that I think I'm better than them.

I'd pretty much given up on finding a girl when I met this awesome woman here in town through a friend. Long story short, she's the sort of lady who knows where she's going in life. She's beautiful, smart and confident in her abilities, and part of me is intimidated by that.

Through a complicated series of events, she found out I had feelings for her, and so I just asked her out for coffee. She agreed, but never called me back. I still see her quite often with my friends, but at the same time, I don't want to make her uncomfortable.

Obviously, this is where my story kinda breaks down. Basically, I'm in a place I don't want to be. I am struggling through school. My moods shifts almost randomly. My friends can't completely understand. The girl I happened to fall for is doing her best to ignore me. My own life ambitions seem too small for me, but I can't think of any better ideas than "survive."

I don't just want to survive. But it just seems like I can't figure out how to... do more. Everyone tells me that my education will give me the opportunities I'm looking for, but... whatever. Typical twenty-something angst.

Just needed to throw this all out.

[Monty]

Sounds like you feel that you have about it bottom. I know that it is difficult to be in the situation that you just want to survive.

Don't let anyone tell you that you are weak. You are actually one of the strongest because even though life is delivering you a load of crap. You aren't letting that beat you down.

Yes you are just surviving, but at least you are still here. What courage that takes. I can tell you that things are going to get better. You may also say, that is a load of crap. The only reason I can say that is I know that for a lot of people is has. Stay in there swinging. You have reached out to this forum and we will not turn our backs on you.

This depression forum is a very tightly knit group. We have all suffered deeply for this disease call depression (that even some of the medical profession don't give us our just dues for help). Since we have all been in the same boat, you don't have to cut through a lot of the crap that you need to in others. We have experienced those depths of depression ourselves, and part of the reason that we are here, is that we want to help others.

Also for sufferers to know that there are people out there, who have been through the same stuff and are more than willing to give out advice (when asked for) to others.

[DarthKobold]

Thankyou, Monty.

The past month or so, I've been working out to fight back against the depression. Weird thing is, it's almost like it knew I was fighting back and increased in intensity, drawing my mind back to thoughts and words that shouldn't affect me, but do.

A few days ago, I was speaking to a friend about my crush, when it came up in the conversation how responsible she was in her own life. Let's just say, that she's an impressive lady for her age.

I began to remember back to my ex saying how irresponsible I was all the time. And how selfish I always was.

But my buddy couldn't understand where those thoughts came from. He pretty much told me that I was as responsible for myself as it got, and later on, while at my house, my mother spontaneously comes in and tells him how I always try to do the right thing and be good, etc... but for some reason I never think I do. I guess she could tell something was bothering me.


But I know I can beat this. Girls aside, I'll get my life under my control. One day at a time, I guess.

[Monty]

Hi,

Glad to read that you are hanging in there.

Think you should believe your buddy in regards to your level or responsiblity.

Sounds like your ex, should not be considered as someone who is looking at your with an unbiased view. Your friends probably see you as yourself. Ex's are just that ex's. A lot of a time with lovers a lot of other crap gets thrown into a relationship. Your buddy knows you as just that, a good friend.

Like I said take his opinion, not hers.

Sorry that things haven't been going well. You should feel encouraged by things that your friend and your mother say about you. Your mom (being a mom myself) knows you best.

I am wondering if maybe you suffer from self-esteem, almost as much as I do. I always feel like I "should be able to do better". Also that I have no idea why anyone would want to be my friend. I do have good friends (and it sounds like you do).

Maybe both of us should listen to them, rather than those negative thoughts that we have of ourselves.

Take care.