Depression Understood Forums

Im sick of feeling so tired and not wanted to get up in the mornings, the only reason i do get up is to see my beautiful litle boys face and the massive smile he gives me followed by a kiss, Hes one and i adore him with all my heart and sometimes i think hes the only thing thats keeping me going, although i don't want to put that burden on him, Its to heavy to carry, I dont have any interests although i try to write i get bored to easilly and slump infront of the television, its like i dont even know if im depressed since doesnt depresion give you dark thoughts, i lay there empty headed and with an empty feeling in my stomach, as i said the only thing that makes me happy is seeing my son..I know i need something to distract me but is'nt that just like drinking alcohol to block out the pain..ignore the pain?
I felt like this for so long its hard to want to feel different now, although i dont want my son to suffer and i feel he is suffering..I dont have motivation, i do want needs to be done, but i dont have the energy to play with him properly, His dad is there to play with him but i feel useless as a mother, i want to be a chef but everything i cook tastes foul in my mouth even if someone else says its nice..I try to write but i think to myself this is stupid and stop, i sketch and think gosh my friends so much better at this than me, I have no purpose in life but to be a mother and sometimes as selfish as that is, it just doesnt seem enough.
I want to make an impression on someones life. Alteast just one.
Ive been abused. As a child but it hasnt effected me as badly, I forgive the person who did this to me..Its that feeling of an empty heaviness in the pit of my stomach thats weighing my down..
I know that there is something bothering my at current and thats my father, hes not talking to me i love him so dearly and hes sick the last time i saw him he looks like an old man..hes 44..He sbeen in hospital countless times and i feel so guilty for not being there, I ran away to be with my partner,
I felt trapped in the place that i lived, My partner opened a whole new world for me, I feel so selfish for leaving him and we have talked since and we got on well, he loved it wen i brung his grandson to see him for the first time..But we had an arguement over his girlfriend who i dont like since shes my age and tries to tell me how to be a mother, he refuses to talk to me, ive tried so hard to get in contact with him but hes ignoring me and its killing me because i know that if anything happens to him i wont be able to forgive myself..i gues thats selfish, I love my dad so much though if only he knew, he just wont listen to me, I told him i wished he was dead wen we last argued and i regret it so much now..he hurts me so much, No man has ever hurt me the way he has...i try and be strong but i dont understand how he could stand there and tell his only daughter that she was the reason he put Do Not Resusitate on his medical files..That i wasnt invited to his funeral..That i was dead to him..That he was depressed because of me leaving him..hes the only one i can reaslly open up to..he was abused to as a child by his father and to tell me he never forgives himself for letting me be abused right infront of his eyes and that every nite he thinks about it and then for us now not to be talking..again Its killing me.
Im scared of the dark..I get images of monsters infront of my eyes...i have to be wrapped up completely in my bed or i cant sleep in fear of someone grabbing my leg.. i picture people sitting on the floor on the side of my bed waiting for me to sleep so they can hurt me...
I dont know who i am anymore..I jsut want to be a good mom.. and a good daughter..but i cant be either.

Don't know if this will help but couple of ideas: sleep with light on, and avoid random TV; too many potentially disturbing themes and images. Choose shows carefully.

Moon,

Redux' advice about not watching random tv is right.

Watching a lot of tv and spending time on the computer can increase depression and anxiety. Try reducing it for a while and increase some outdoor activity.

I try to give advice. but in reality I do the same thing myself.
but do give it a try.

take care
Jer

Moon,

I am the same way. I don't work, I'm pregnant, I feel awful cause I can't even take my dogs out side for a walk. They just have the fenced yard to play in while I spend all day watching random tv, sleeping or on the computer. And I'm having a hard time eating, my last prenatal checkup I actually lost weight, which isn't a good thing. I have no friends. My fiance is working all the time and wouldn't understand my sadness I feel everyday. Believe me, I've tried talking to him, and to therapists, but I always find myself lying to make it seem like I'm better.

I think it's great when women don't have to work outside the home (I know women that have to work very hard physically to pay the bills) but it would help to find a couple of friends in the same boat--other homemakers--and invite one over for a chat sometimes. Lots of hobbies to pursue. Or a part-time job or volunteering if health and transportation allow; even one or two days out per week might do the trick, hopefully. Check your local library for classes and groups that meet to do something that interests you.

I have been deemed,permanently disabled, by my government.

I received that designation when I was not yet 50.

It is difficult when someone doesn't work outside of the home. That is a concept that people, who have always worked outside of the home to figure out.

I was was very ill for a long time. My children were small. But there is no doubt that I worked as hard as I could. Those of us who work at home, for no pay, have it tough.


Working outside of the home, boosts a person's self-esteem because, most of the time, they are in contact with other people. When at home we don't get that outlet.

It must be very distressing to have a couple of friends, deciding to exit early. I can only imagine how this must haunt you. Also you have to deal with a dying parent and all of the issues that are associated with that.

With all the things that you have had to endure in this life. You are doing well to be there for you son. You say that he is a beautiful little boy.
We aren't just here to learn about the things that contribute to depression in our lives. Feel free to let us know a little more about him.

Like I said earlier, if you were looking for a bad parent, you wouldn't have to look much further than me. At least that was my perception. Both of my kids are adults, and often tell me how much they love me.

My daughter (who I thought got the worst of it) has told me that "she thinks that she turned out ok,and that was because of me".

Let us learn a little more about you. You sound like a person, worth knowing.

((((Toxicmoon)))) Please remember that since your father was hurt so badly, this is his way of handling it. I do not excuse telling your child that you never want to see them again, but trust me when I say that I'm sure he does not mean it... Just as you did not mean it when you said that you hated him. You mentioned that he put, "DNR," in his medical files... is he ill? If he is, please also remember that when people are ill, they often say and do things they would not normally do, ok? The illness has a way of creeping into all of their thoughts and words and poisoning them.

You ARE making an impression on a life, toxicmoon. You are a parent now. Your child does and will love you no matter what. That's just the way it goes.

We never think we are good enough, do we? Trust me again when I say that for years I never thought I was good enough for anyone or anything. It takes time to love ourselves... I'm 33 and only accomplished this feat in the last two years. Look at yourself and realize that there is a pretty awesome and lovable person inside of you... trust that you are strong and competent; that you made it through your difficult life and came out to have a beautiful family in the end.

As far as running off with your partner... I have to tell you that sometimes we need to make ourselves happy first, toxicmoon. It is not an easy concept, especially for someone who seems as sensitive and kind as you, but we need to make ourselves happy before we can make others happy.

Forgive yourself, toxicmoon. You are WORTH making happy.