The long winded abridged version..
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 10:54 am
I am usually not one to do things like this but I was reading some other peoples posts and feel that maybe I should put mine up...
I grew up as an only child. I never had any peers to hang out with so I never knew what socializing was. I only basically knew my mother and father. Mostly my mother. My father worked all the time and I never saw him so I never got to know him really. So, I was close to my mother. My friends were mostly the elderly people in the neighbourhood. Made no difference to me.
I actually had a very good childhood. My family loved me and did all they could to make life good. I never knew until years and years later that my parents had issues with their relationship throughout most if not all my life. They hid it well. To this day I am still not sure what happened but it is not my place to ask.
My home life as a child was great but when I went though school..whole other story. I was made fun of an awful lot. Every day, every new school year, every new school. All up until graduation. I must admit that looking back I can kinda see why but it does not jusitify the actions and how the actions affected me.
Moving on.. I began getting into drugs and alcohol at age 18. Just pot. Never drank til I was 20. I really did not drink that much either. Then as the years progressed I experimented and did all kinds of drugs. Anything to get high.. well not everything, there are some things I would NEVER do. I liked pot, cocaine, dextromethorphan (in the form of Coricidin Cough and Cold) painkillers..
Soon the addictions took over my life. I had to get high or drunk every day. I struggled with this every day. I began seeing a therapist and pdoc due to the fact that I was depressed and self injuring. I was off and on meds for years. I have been on quite a good majority of meds. Nothing helped I just kept self medicating. I developed an eating disorder as well and had to work with that for the past years.
My mother passed away in 2006 and it was really difficult for me. She had been on a steady decline in health since 2004. No one really knew what was wrong. She had struggled with addictions as well. I found her dead in her bed. She passed in her sleep. They said it was a heart attack.
I moved out of state a few times afterward. I was still struggling with the eating disorder and addictions. I was actually kicked out of the second place I lived (in April 2008) because I stole his bottles of 10mg Vicodin and took all 90 of them (not at once of course) I knew that I needed help but did not know what to do so I kept trudging along.
By that time I had taken to drinking Listerine to get drunk. Every day. Over the summer this slowly became a 24/7 thing. I had to drink. Then it got to that physical dependency part. I HAD to drink. I started messing things up. Making mistakes like being locked out of my room. I would lock my room up so no one would find the mass amounts of bottles I had.
One day that all came crashing down. My family stepped in. My family being my dad and my step-family (my father re-married in June of 2008) They knew I was not acting right and they intervened. This is the best thing that ever happened. Though of course at the time I was upset and angry and did not wanna comply and take my meds, which they insisted I start taking. I did do it though. I had no choice. The alcohol withdrawal was hell. I should have been hospitalised.
I had to do what they said. They took total control. It was difficult because I had to actually face my crap and learn to deal with it without turning to a substance to block it all out. Then as time passed and I worked with my pdoc and took the meds, I started to get better. It was nice to actually feel content with life and to be clear headed. Though there were some bumps in the road along the way as far as leveling my bipolar symptoms (I was dx'ed with that during one of 2 hospital stays at the beginning of 2008)
I was still angry that I could not just have one drink on occasions. The holidays were especially difficult for that. Then it seemed to make sense to me WHY I cannot drink. I knew one drink could screw my meds up and make me sick again, and the fact that I know I cannot have just one or two. All or nothing. I asked myself if screwing up all the progress I had made was worth it for one drink. The answer was no. After that, things became easier. I was glad to feel well and for the first time in my life I did not need a drink or a drug (aside from prescriptions of course) to feel decent. I have now come as far as to not even want it at all. Others can drink in front of me and most of the time I am not bothered. Though sometimes that depends..and if I am left alone where there is an opportunity to sneak or steal alcohol like when the bottles are out and no one is around, I leave em be. I do not want it. I know that if I were to try alcohol again, I would revert back to that feeling of wanting it and having to start all over again. Best to leave it be.
So, now I have been clean and sober and stable on meds for nearly a year. In August it will be one year. I am slowly but surely making progress with wellness. It takes time and is a hard road to walk. Full of broken glass and sharp rocks on hot asphalt with bare feet. As the trek gets longer there are less and less glass shards and cooler pavement. It is not impossible. Difficult yes, impossible, no. This is what I hope for people here at DU. To keep fighting and never give up. One day you will get there. Sometimes still, I come across a few scattered pieces of glass in the road. I accept it and move on and not let it get to me. Everyone has bad days here and there. Nothing wrong with that.
Not sure what the future holds for me but I take things a day at a time. Sounds cliche but that is all one can do. ..and no I never went to AA! I feel lucky to have support from family and my friends here at DU. I only wish the best for everyone here. I hope that I can use what I have learned to help others struggling with their own issues.
I grew up as an only child. I never had any peers to hang out with so I never knew what socializing was. I only basically knew my mother and father. Mostly my mother. My father worked all the time and I never saw him so I never got to know him really. So, I was close to my mother. My friends were mostly the elderly people in the neighbourhood. Made no difference to me.
I actually had a very good childhood. My family loved me and did all they could to make life good. I never knew until years and years later that my parents had issues with their relationship throughout most if not all my life. They hid it well. To this day I am still not sure what happened but it is not my place to ask.
My home life as a child was great but when I went though school..whole other story. I was made fun of an awful lot. Every day, every new school year, every new school. All up until graduation. I must admit that looking back I can kinda see why but it does not jusitify the actions and how the actions affected me.
Moving on.. I began getting into drugs and alcohol at age 18. Just pot. Never drank til I was 20. I really did not drink that much either. Then as the years progressed I experimented and did all kinds of drugs. Anything to get high.. well not everything, there are some things I would NEVER do. I liked pot, cocaine, dextromethorphan (in the form of Coricidin Cough and Cold) painkillers..
Soon the addictions took over my life. I had to get high or drunk every day. I struggled with this every day. I began seeing a therapist and pdoc due to the fact that I was depressed and self injuring. I was off and on meds for years. I have been on quite a good majority of meds. Nothing helped I just kept self medicating. I developed an eating disorder as well and had to work with that for the past years.
My mother passed away in 2006 and it was really difficult for me. She had been on a steady decline in health since 2004. No one really knew what was wrong. She had struggled with addictions as well. I found her dead in her bed. She passed in her sleep. They said it was a heart attack.
I moved out of state a few times afterward. I was still struggling with the eating disorder and addictions. I was actually kicked out of the second place I lived (in April 2008) because I stole his bottles of 10mg Vicodin and took all 90 of them (not at once of course) I knew that I needed help but did not know what to do so I kept trudging along.
By that time I had taken to drinking Listerine to get drunk. Every day. Over the summer this slowly became a 24/7 thing. I had to drink. Then it got to that physical dependency part. I HAD to drink. I started messing things up. Making mistakes like being locked out of my room. I would lock my room up so no one would find the mass amounts of bottles I had.
One day that all came crashing down. My family stepped in. My family being my dad and my step-family (my father re-married in June of 2008) They knew I was not acting right and they intervened. This is the best thing that ever happened. Though of course at the time I was upset and angry and did not wanna comply and take my meds, which they insisted I start taking. I did do it though. I had no choice. The alcohol withdrawal was hell. I should have been hospitalised.
I had to do what they said. They took total control. It was difficult because I had to actually face my crap and learn to deal with it without turning to a substance to block it all out. Then as time passed and I worked with my pdoc and took the meds, I started to get better. It was nice to actually feel content with life and to be clear headed. Though there were some bumps in the road along the way as far as leveling my bipolar symptoms (I was dx'ed with that during one of 2 hospital stays at the beginning of 2008)
I was still angry that I could not just have one drink on occasions. The holidays were especially difficult for that. Then it seemed to make sense to me WHY I cannot drink. I knew one drink could screw my meds up and make me sick again, and the fact that I know I cannot have just one or two. All or nothing. I asked myself if screwing up all the progress I had made was worth it for one drink. The answer was no. After that, things became easier. I was glad to feel well and for the first time in my life I did not need a drink or a drug (aside from prescriptions of course) to feel decent. I have now come as far as to not even want it at all. Others can drink in front of me and most of the time I am not bothered. Though sometimes that depends..and if I am left alone where there is an opportunity to sneak or steal alcohol like when the bottles are out and no one is around, I leave em be. I do not want it. I know that if I were to try alcohol again, I would revert back to that feeling of wanting it and having to start all over again. Best to leave it be.
So, now I have been clean and sober and stable on meds for nearly a year. In August it will be one year. I am slowly but surely making progress with wellness. It takes time and is a hard road to walk. Full of broken glass and sharp rocks on hot asphalt with bare feet. As the trek gets longer there are less and less glass shards and cooler pavement. It is not impossible. Difficult yes, impossible, no. This is what I hope for people here at DU. To keep fighting and never give up. One day you will get there. Sometimes still, I come across a few scattered pieces of glass in the road. I accept it and move on and not let it get to me. Everyone has bad days here and there. Nothing wrong with that.
Not sure what the future holds for me but I take things a day at a time. Sounds cliche but that is all one can do. ..and no I never went to AA! I feel lucky to have support from family and my friends here at DU. I only wish the best for everyone here. I hope that I can use what I have learned to help others struggling with their own issues.
