Depression,transplant,alcoholic,ptsd,anxiety & BPD, near my breaking point.

[Nikkix]

I had a liver transplant on Jan 4th, 2020 because of Liver Cirrhosis.

I had depression and anxiety before my diagnosis, and I made myself feel better by drinking. My mother was a alcoholic, and mentally and emotionally abusive to me.
Before my transplant I was a functioning alcoholic, I worked 40 hours a week in a supervisory position.

After my transplant I tried but was not able to go back to work, many times. I had some complications after my transplant which resulted in not being to able to go back to work because I get so tired so easily. I have many, many years of counselling and thru this all I have also been diagnosed with Ptsd, and most recently after a short hospitalization also BPD, with this diagnosis a lot of the decisions I have made, now make sense to me.

Even with medicines and therapy, I still am struggling with depression and alcoholism which makes me feel so guilty after someone had to die for me to get another chance of life. In fact, I'm always feeling guilty and paranoid for example, I feel guilty for not working, I feel guilty for being on assistance, feel guilty because I look normal and I feel and have been told by my family and others that I'm just lazy or making it all up and that none of this is real, I am always hearing to "just get over it".

I'm hoping interacting here in these groups I will meet people with good advice and the same diagnosis and experiences of me.

There's so much more to talk about .
Thanks for reading.

[jcrumb]

Nikkix,

Your struggle with alcoholism, ptsd and BPD, is significant. Although our story differs in some ways, it is similar in many ways. I struggled with alcoholism, drug addiction, ptsd, and BPD for many years. Mental illness and addiction consumed me. On a couple of occasions, I felt as though I had fallen into a deep dark pit and there was simply no way out. Even with the support of friends and family, I continued to struggle for many years. Although the worst of my struggles are behind me now, I can still remember the pain, the fear and the desperation. My journey to health and wellness has been a long and winding road. For me it required a genuine desire and willingness to make significant changes in my life. For me, nearly all of my struggles were the result of severe imbalances in my body and brain. I tried many different psychotropic meds with meager results but found one medication that really did (and still does) work for me. I discovered that I had hypothyroidism, or a very low thyroid level. I take thyroid medication to balance it out and it really makes a big difference for me.

I absolutely had to find a way to stop drinking. I had tried AA many times but just didn't really buy in to the whole scene. A friend gave me a book called "This Naked Mind" by Annie Grace and it did the trick. I got the audio book and listened to it two or three times and I have not had a drop of alcohol since. That was 2 1/2 years ago. I don't miss it; I don't crave it or even think about alcohol anymore. Removing alcohol from my system was the catalyst for other important changes. I began to eat a healthy diet and tried to get a little more exercise and sunlight every day and things continued to improve. After about a year I began to explore yoga and mindfulness which has helped restore balance to my mind and body in ways that I never imagined were possible. I hope my experience is helpful to you in some way. I will leave you with one last thought: No matter how bad things seem to be at the moment, if you are still conscious and breathing there is hope for real and lasting change. But no one can do it for you. Your life is entirely your responsibility. Best wishes and be well! jcrumb

[jcrumb]

https://thisnakedmind.com/annie-grace/ A great place to start if you are struggling with alcohol addiction.

Excerpt from the website:
"Annie Grace revamped her own relationship with alcohol — she stripped it of its power and changed her beliefs about booze being a reward — and today she helps others across the globe do the same. Her approach helps people where rehabs have not. She’s created a brand new way to look at the role of alcohol in our lives, establishing a safe space for those who question their drinking but haven’t self-diagnosed as alcoholics stuck in denial of an incurable disease. Annie Grace preaches compassion, knowing its power over shame and blame is the best way to achieve lasting change. And, she offers a proven alternative to the largely ineffective recipe for so-called “success”—the one that says anything less than 100% abstinence is failure. Annie Grace doesn’t teach people how to be sober; she helps them quash their desire to drink in the first place."