Depression Understood Forums

Right now I have been looking for some people to talk to. It's been a hard several years for me. Well to begin. When I was young my mother decided to date my current stepdad. now they are married and been married for years. but I never approved, and still don't approve. My stepdad use to beat my mother constantly as a daily chore. I saw it for several years. Every time I go into a relationship I get extremely scared that I am going to be like him. This has caused me to rarely drink except only when i am about to cry. I don't smoke or do drugs even though that was a common thing for my family. So many cycles of hate and anger went through my family till I turned 17. Even the neighrborhood kids beat me up almost every day for 7 years straight. When I turned 18 I dated a girl named Brittani. I still remember, we went out and had fun. We were walking around town in Aurora colorado. After awhile i sprayed her with my water bottle. then we kissed.

After that our relationship ended in 3 months. I got stranded in a town, and she suspected me of cheating when I was just trying to figure out what to do. Being 18 at the time I had become homeless after my mother had left my stepdad the first time. Then i had several flings all over the place. had sex with a few, just talked with many. After that I moved from colorado, to oregon, graduated high school, then moved to georgia to live with my mother to try to work things out between me, her, and my stepdad who was back with her, for the fifth time. The longer I stayed with them, the worse it got. Espicially since my 5 sisters didn't help matters. Anyhow I met a girl named Kat online on myspace. we talked on there, on the phone, and eventually in person. When we got together, i instantly fell in love. We talked, and then decided she would let me move in with her if i agreed to find a job in Tennesse, where she lived. So we moved. Things went well, i eventually got a job. She was pregnant. I then got accepted into devry. Once she had her child she became confused, then decided, and asked me to sign off the name. She begged me, I couldn't refuse. Few weeks later since my till at a gas station kept coming short, i lost my job. she decided to move in with her parents and invited me. I paid for most of the trip with my college money that wasn't spent. We moved here to south dakota. We got caught in a blizard on the way. We got here in sd by december, 2007. i had graduated h.s in 2007 in june. I did alot of moving very fast. She said she loved me. she did yell at me, call me names, hit me, and several other things. then a month after getting to sd she kicked me out because i had lost my motivation to get a job. she broke up with me a week after we got to SD. it took me awhile to recover, went from homeless shelter, to working at one, to losing the job, to working at a hardees to getting ill and losing the job. now i am n sturgis and i work at a gas station. its been awhile. been in surgis since feb, and got a job in march. it went from a short term job to permanent position. in the time between my ex and me, dss, police,and katie neither contacted nor said a word about anything. met her mother a few times around town, but thats about it. Now i forced her to talk to me on myspace, she has said the police have been looking for me, and the lawyers, and dss, even though dss has been taking child support out of my checks for several months. she said she made sure my child support was low, and she hasn't gotten any of it nor spent any of it. she thinks i am a liar. But here is where i am hurt. i still remember things about her, but i no longer love her in the same way. and yet her son since i was around for the whole pregnancy, still remembers my voice. he in a weird way is still connected to my heart. And now even though i am currently living with a new different ex, i can't find myself sexually attracted to anyone except to kat and to people who look like her. i don't know what to do, if i stay single i cry every day and yet if i don't do something to not become single a part of my brain keeps telling me to go out and have sex to get a child. This has led me flirting with alot of woman, and alot of them always flirt back. And my ex who is living with me has refused to move out, and she really was just a rebound, hell even told her that. I am just lost at the moment.

Hi Kal-

You've got a handful there, buddy. You just sound to me like you're at that phase of life where you're looking and looking, and not getting it right.

One thing you DON'T want to do is father more children. You'll just end up in American Trash Central, with a bunch of child support payments you can't pay, and you're screwed. For the rest of your life. Why is it you want another child anyway? What kind of future do you see for it? You really want to put some little kid in such a bad place - no home life, not really knowing his dad, mom always mad at the dad etc. etc. You really want to do that to some innocent kid?

Don't worry about being like your stepdad - he's not a blood relative, so you aren't predisposed to violence, unless your biological dad was. Just look at him as how you DON'T want to be. It'll be easy.

You've got something good going for you though, That is you have insight into your life problems. I mean you can see what your problems are, and that is good, because that means you can stop doing the things you see in yourself that are bad for you. Like this idea of getting another child. That is just the worst thing you can do. You need to get a life for yourself before you bring anyone else into it.

How old are you now? Is there a job you've had that you're pretty good at that you can try for again and get really good at? You need to start putting a real life together. You know, job, car, apartment, furniture. All that stuff. Set yourself up with a nice easy life. Just work and use your money wisely. You can do it. Just think ahead when you meet some girl you like. See what her life is like. If she's a mess - no job, kids, no father, no place to live, go the other way! Find someone you can set up a nice life with. You don't have to have kids. You are seriously not ready for them. First get youon the right track. Then when you are stable, you can think about a family. A real family. Married, love each other, staying together, working for a better life. Like that.

Start tomorrow by thinking how you would like your life to be. Then even write it down - all the things you would want for a good life. Not just cars and boats and big TVs. A wife. A job. A steady paycheck. Think of yourself in that life. Writing it down sort of sets it straight in your mind. And you will subconsciously start working toward that. Really.

You've already taken a good step forward by reaching out. We are here all the time and we will help you. But you gotta help you too.

Good luck, dude. Let us know how it goes.

A5