desperation

[earstir]

i dont think it's fair how my parents treat me as if they raised me. they are practically bullies setting impossible standards. for me and my sister. we grew up without them by our side and we still emotionally (and academically) rely on each other. we are baffled how our parents expect some kind of perfection i cannot comprehend. but it seems like it's something we agreed on, set in stone, when we finally lived together. maybe it was my pride thinking "we got this" and this will work out. at this point, it turns out to be a storm-dump of disappointments. i am grateful every day for the opportunity to make our dreams come true and be able to learn. i do think i am lucky, blessed, and whatnot. i did my best even if my capacity was only 40%, i gave 100%! It felt like a battlefield, a fight for my life (or to have a life) choosing to stay rather than flight. it may seem like i take off because I avoid conflict, but as long as i am surviving, i did not. i know the pains i cause and i make up for it, how is it not noticeable? i am a believer, and repentance is one, but even my beliefs they mock. i like to judge their morality as cheaters. so i swore i never wanted to be like them.