I don't know what to do anymore

[xKaleidoscopeDreamerx]

Hi. I'm an 18 year old girl living in Canada. I decide to join this site cuz I don't know where to turn to, and it would be nice to have opinions from people who live with depression.

I started feeling suicidal when I was about 14-15. For no reason it seems, its like all of a sudden I woke up and I started imagining how could I kill myself. Well that's what I thought anyways, I understand that all this started with my eating disorder that started around 12, I was always paranoid with the way I looked and hated myself to not be like the other skinny-pretty girls. I started starving myself at that age too, I drank 3 cups of coffee a day and lost a considerable amount of weight of course I gained it all back. I've never reached to be deathly skinny because somewhere in my mind I know its bad. But still, I starved, ate, threw up. Before I could notice how horrible this cycle was, I loved doing it, my own personal f***** up secret. Oh but I almost forgot, I also started cutting myself at 12 and even though it has decreased I still sometimes have the strong urge to do it. So anyways, the toughest years were from 14 to 17, I started doing all sorts of dumb shit, I can't say I was utterly depressed, I still laughed and did things I enjoyed. I just also though of death everyday and wished I would just never wake up. I told this to no one, until I got really excessively close to a friend of mine who eventually became my best friend. She had an ED aswell so it was easier to open up to her about it. And I thought I could keep all these emotions under control, though my friend kept saying I should get help I refused, I hated the thought of psychologist/psychiatrists made me think I actually _did_ have a problem but back than I thought I completely normal. Than when I was 16 I started doing alot of drugs, speed,ecstacy, marijuana and pharmaceuticals that my dad had (muscle relaxants and anti-anxiety pills). At first I thought to overdose on these things, because I still wanted to die.So I did them, wasted hundreds of dollars, my parents found out got stressed out of their minds obviously but than I would always lie. I loved to lie and if I felt bad nothing better than pills to take the sadness of my pathetic self away. By the summer, I stopped doing all those things I tried to be better, I finally started being annoyed by my depression and suicidal thoughts, until I just looked at myself and I couldn't handle the sight of me and chugged down advils and vodka, though I just passed out and woke up with incredibly awful drowsiness.Than the new school year started and so did my habits, but eventually I got worse, if the suicidal thoughts weren't hell enough, I started getting extream fatigued slept about 16 hours I would skip school cuz I was no longer motivated to do anything. Than because of that I took loads of speed wich lead to insomnia than eventually quit speed. A month after, I started panic attacks, crying spells, my jaw would grind and clench through out the night. (If your thinking it was withdrawel it wasn't I'm blessed with the capacity of stopping when I feel like it even cigarettes I've been smoking since I was 13 but sometimes I don't for like 8 months just cuz I'm sick of it. ) I also hardly ate, so than cuz I'm just oh-so smart I started doing ALOT of e, anything to make me stop feeling bad and loose weight (wich is the root of my issues) and I even managed to convince my parents I need ritalin. Great. So everything started turning crappy, now not even I still believed this was just a phase and I would suddenly be happy again, I failed at school and didn't care though it brought my self-esteem even lower, my family was worried and I felt like shit. I never thought I would be like this, because there were days when I was fine and happy but I still fell asleep wanting to die.It messed me up. And eventually april of last year, I tried to kill myself (again) because finally my mom said the thing that just made me burn out, she had found my ecstasy pills and said that we needed to talk and I was not in the mental state of mind to talk or function, I was petrified and angry cuz she took my dose of the day and than I completely lost it. I started pacing through out my house crying, laughing,screaming and grabbed all my dad's pills and my ritalin and got on the first bus downtown. On the bus I was slowing taking pills and once I got downtown I went to an isolated place, wrote a suicide note and chugged down all that I had.Blacked out and somehow woke up in a hospital and found out that a person SOMEHOW found me (this place is really away from the public,the most you would find there r junkies) and I got my stomach pumped and survived. I was devastated, like I never had been in my whole entire life. So than I spent time in a mental clinic, I couldn't do anything but "think about what I did" I managed to make 2 friends that were there for the same reasons. So for 5 days, I just sat doodling on paper and writing down "things to do if I'm in a crisis". I wanted to get out of there SO bad, around the 3-4th day I wasn't so bad but I was trying to be as smiley as possible or else god knows how long I would have stayed there. The place creeped me out, so than when I saw the psychologists and social workers I did my best to be as level headed as possible and I was released. Re-entering school life was a bitch and I ended up failing nearly all of my classes. Than I finally got the chance to see a psychiatrice (now I knew I needed some help) but my parents were in the room, so I couldn't let the lady know how I thought. For all I know I might need medication. I've been wanting to go and see her again, but I keep avoiding to make the call. So after all that, I re-gained some normality and stayed away from drugs (though I did do a robotussin trip which was stupid) than when I had to re-enter school I got panic attacks, depression and everything that comes with it. So I decided for my own safety and mental well-ness I wouldn't go back. From september to december I still was depressed, and traumatized of myself. I wanted to die and thought of buying sleeping pills to overdose on. I also started smoking alot of weed to keep these thoughts at bay. And by december, I manged to put it all behind me and go back to school. I can't say I've been 100% happy since, there has been alot of ups and downs but nothing to serious. Until recently, you see I got this problem when I f*** up my mood goes so low and I can't and don't want to do anything anymore. Now I started thinking about suicide, I want to sleep all the time and I know where this can lead to. But now I'm not even 1% afraid of dying if I do it, that's it I'll be dead.

I guess I should seek professional help, but I don't feel like it entirely. How horrible of me but its true. Anyways this was something I needed to write and of course I just noticed I forgot a detail or two. Like my first suicidal thoughts was when I was 12-13 actually. I'm just so angry cuz I wasn't all that bad a while ago, its been 1 1/2 I'm depressed. Anyways thanks for reading, this was a long post!
**Almost forgot to add this: I might sound like I don't have real issues such as : abandonment, parents hitting me or live in really bad conditions. Cuz it true I don't, I just can't stop hating myself and being disgusted with myself. These moods come and go, but its very exhausting. I don't know what I feel anymore, I don't know what I am anymore.

[aim]

xKaleidoscopeDreamerx.... you seem to have many many issues that need resolving, and you are right to say that you need to seek professional help. I would say that you desperately need to seek it. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is ask for help. Don't be afraid. You are too young to give in. I really really encourage you to seek the help of a psychologist who can begin to help you heal.