Depression Understood Forums

disclaimer: sorry for bad english, we dont speak english in our country at all and it's not my first language

ive always been known as the "smart kid" in our whole family since i study in a very prestigious university. everyone expects a lot from me. they may not show it, but i can feel the pressure theyre putting on me.

why is everyone expecting a lot from me anyways? because they know that i dream of becoming a doctor and they want someone to treat them FOR FREE? well, bad news. only the Young Me want to become a doctor. the Now Me do not have any plans for the future. do i even have a future?

during my first year, ive got good grades because i could say that i was mentally well. but, the pandemic hit. it was hard for me mentally and emotionally. now that we're back to school, everything is hard. i couldn't focus on anything. everything about me turned bad - my patience, my social battery, my everyday mood, literally everything. my grades dropped. a lot lower compared to when i was in my first year

i feel like doing The Thing because i feel so purposeless. whats the point of my life? i have no future to hold anyways. the future has always been black. i just kept on continuing with my studies for my parents to be proud of me.

what do i do now. i feel like everything's going downhill. but i couldnt do The Thing because i have younger siblings who's always been supporting me in my studies. theyre the only reason i keep going with life.

i just wanted to share this because i couldnt talk to anyone

Same. I literally have almost the same experience as you. (I didn't get depression from covid though, for me it was...losing important people. I can't forget them even after all these years! Instead, I crave to see them again even more. Maybe I'm crazy but I'm trying to find a way to get back to them. I feel like that's the only way to solve the root cause of my problem.)
I used to have the best grades, I used to be the most genius kid. But everything has been going downhill. My grades, my health, my quality of life. And like many other people, I have plans for suicide but...I don't want my parents to be sad. I don't know what to do. People keep telling me time will make everything better. But I've been like this for..years. And it's getting worse. It's literally causing me physical issues like headaches, no energy to do anything, can't pay attention in class sometimes. I hope other people are right and that time will solve the problem. Maybe I'm just sad, maybe I don't have depression, I don't know. But I'm just afraid, what if I'll be stuck in a state like this forever?