Me & my story

[Haitch]

Hi, I'm searching for some support. I have been working on my issues regarding abuse I received as a child, I feel that I have made great progress on an internet counselling site but have reached my limit of progression. I have looked into face to face counselling but can't afford the prices and not having much luck trying to pluck up the courage to go and see my doctor to receive it through the NHS as part of me feels I should just give myself a huge shake and get on with it, I have so many good things in my life yet I feel sad.

I am sort of in self destruct mode, I have issues with OCD, everything has to be clean and tidy and I make myself run ragged trying to keep up with this part of my life, cleaning, hoovering, driving my husband mad.

I am constantly feeling uncomfortable in my own skin and becoming obsessed with famous role models, feeling is only I could be that skinny, or look like that, or dress like that i will feel better. I think it is because they have constant attention, they know they have fans, they know people love them, I want that.

I constantly want someone to look after me and love me but believe the person I am and how I act shows the complete oposite, I push people away and have a totally independant look and act about me.

I then feel even more depressed feeling worthless as no one pays any interest to me or wants to care for me when from the inside I am shouting at the top of my lungs for help. But on the outside I portray a calm overly friendly totally in control person, I just can't seem to let my guard down or don't know how.

I want to do something to help myself, I want to sort my life out and stop wasting it by being so uncertain about everything, I want to feel free.

I feel like as long as I am doing counselling or talking in these type of set ups I am ok but the minute I stop (which I do everything time I am feeling better) it is only a matter of waiting for all the insecurities to come seeping back. I feel scared I will never get over them.

I feel with everything else at the moment, job losses, swine flu, the problems with the economy and the fact that this is all you ever hear on the news today unless there are deaths to talk about, I am just getting myself further and further into this black depressed state which I can't get out of.

I have got to the point sometimes when everything has got so on top of me and I am so totally scared that I feel that it wouldn't be that bad if I wasn't here anymore.

I feel like life is passing me by so quickly and I feel like I am wasting it, I feel scared that if we want a family we need to start soon but then the thought is so overwhelming I'm not sure I would cope.

Thank you for listening.

[xn728]

hey you need to stop for a moment ,your running away from yourself ,so stop now and catch up ,i wont comment on the skinny woman issues ,i now what these things mean to women but i think it will rectify itself when ,you hopefully feel happy,er ,dont worry about the house work thing my wife is like that its common ,it doesnt drive me mad ,i know it makes her happy .try to think things through more and talk to your husband .you have made a good move coming on here ,you will find like minded people ,with simalar issues ,read and right here ,ask and question
look and learn ,we are all your friends ,welcome home ,reach out and we will catch your fall,,,,,,,xn728

[Haitch]

Thank you xn728, you have made me feel very welcome. I look forward to getting to know everyone and becoming part of the family. It is nice to know I am not alone and I am not the only one feeling this way.

[Monty]

It is odd that something that can be inflicted on someone, when they were just a child, can alter their entire lives. I often refer to the fact that I believe child abuse is like "stealing the little ones innocence". I had someone describe to me that their virginity had been taken away, even before they knew what the word meant.

I also suffered from abuse when I was a child and that has changed me forever. Or at least the person I could have been. The way my abusers were able to do what they did to me, was to make me feel worthless, that no one else would want me. Even though I realize that was a oft-used tool by those in authority to be able to abuse their victims. I still can't shake the feeling that I am not a good person. Think many of us in this group feel the same way about ourselves.

If I could wave a magic wand, I wish we could all see that we are the exact opposite of what "we think" others opinions are of us, we are good people who deserve good things to happen to them. You are definitely one of them yourself.

It is hard to make friends, when you never see yourself on being on a equal level with others. For me it makes it hard to make any real connections in my life. Always waiting for them to find out the real me, then be dumped.

Also for me, the meds have not been enough. I am very compliant when it comes to drug issues. I can't remember ever going off them in the 20+ years that I have had treatment. In addition, I need to have a therapist to walk to every so often. Just to let off the steam that tends to build up too quicky in me.

I know the feeling of putting on an outside face of everything being ok, but screaming, with a voice that no one hears, for someone to help me out of the pit I seem to often be in. It is ok to let your guard down here. There is the thing about aynonimity (can't spell). Just because we can't see your face, or hear your "outside voice" we are still listening. Just as importantly, care.

They talk about the cost of health-care. When I have a therapist in my life, I am much less likely to need to occupy one of those, very expensive, psychiatric beds in the hospital. For the most part, I don't even need one-one therapy most of the time. Just someone listening fills the void.

To me it would be beneficial for people to get group therapy. Which is what I think that we get here. No professionals involved, just those who care and want to help others. Most importantly share.

[xn728]

hey Haitch dont carry these burdens alone ,you will gain friends here ,read the posts they are full of things to learn and use as armour to help you live with your problems ,i have around me three friends who did not exist a few days ago ,but i cant do without out them now ,im always posting on here it does me good to get it out ,im 50 and have had a rough ride ,but i always get up and carry on ,i now how hard it can be ,post more dont be afraid ,no judgeing here ,as i said before ,reach out and we will catch your fall ,if your alone in that dark place ,whisper into the darkness and we will hear ,and when you hear us call back you will know we are with you ,,,,,reach out,,,,xn728

[Haitch]

Thank you. I am going to make a huge effort to make myself fit in here.

I need something, I have been depressed in the past but managed to sort my self out but this time it has been ages, months, and I can't seem to shift how I feel.

I am very grateful to have you all.

H

[xn728]

hey ,just keep posting ,and we will know how your doing ,and dont have to try and fit in .you dont just see through your eyes you know .reach out with your mind ,,,,,,, now look ,were stood right beside you ,welcome home our good friend, your a perfect fit . Haitch. xn728

[Aurelia5]

You've come to the right place. This is the nicest group of people on the internet. They've rescued me several times. We honestly care about the people that come here. So don't be shy, just tell us whatever's bothering you. We care.

(God, I sound like one of those sappy ads on tv about a $1000/day detox place).

[aim]

Haitch - sorry I am so late in responding! I read your post yesterday while I was at work, then I had to leave the computer quickly and couldn't seem to locate the post again!

As everyone who has responded said, you have definitely come to the right place. Many many supportive and kind folks on here to give you plenty of support.

OCD must be a nightmare for you. I have touches of it, I think - as far as tidying up goes - but it must be terribly difficult and painful to strive for perfection, even if, in your heart, you know that perfection is not attatinable for anyone - beautiful, thiin, famous and adored celebrities included. I'm so sorry you suffer from that, Haitch.

Welcome and hope you post again soon!!!

[Haitch]

Thank you aim, lovely to meet you.

[aim]

How you doing, Haitch? I hope you post again soon!!!

[Haitch]

Hi there aim,
I am doing ok, had a nice weekend, met my friend yesterday who is in AA, we always end up having these very strong heart to heart conversations which leave you feeling exhausted but good.

How are you doing?

I am having the problems where I seem to be online at different times to everyone else as I mostly log on during the day at work, I will have to try and log on one evening as the conversations that go on seem really good and helpfull.

[aim]

Hi again, Haitch! Glad you enjoyed your weekend! And I know those talks... you're right. Exhausting but wonderful.

I'm ok, thanks for asking, Haitch. Not happy that today is Monday, but what can you do, right? My job sure does get to me sometimes, but I'm going to try and be as calm as possible this week. I have to before I lose my mind!

I go on here both during the day while I'm at work, and in the evenings; whenever I can get on here, actually. Have you ever gone to the chat room? It's really nice in there, and if you're looking for immediate support, that's the way to go! I go in there most days, for a while, I hope I see you in there!!

Haitch...i'm sorry if you've said this already, but where are you from?

[Haitch]

Hi

I am in Kent UK, what about you?

Mondays are always a nightmare, quite bright and sunny here at the moment which makes it better but they have forecast heavy rain. I must admit, I do love you rain, not necessarily being out in it but listening to it is so relaxing.

I haven't been in the chat rooms yet, will look forward to trying that out though. I do accounts and it is end of month shut down today so pulling my hair out!!!!!!!!!!

[aim]

Hey Haitch... I'm from New Jersey, America. Born and raised here, but seriously considering a very long-distance move near your neck of the woods, actually. It's a long story that I won't go into, but a decision that must be made eventually.

You work with numbers, huh? Numbers are NOT my friend!!! I've always been more involved and better at English and Reading. I am in total awe of people who are good with numbers... good for you.

I am a social worker, and Mondays are generally about answering voice mail messages and e-mails, and catching up on paperwork. Saturdays and Sundays are just so lovely... I want them to last longer!!!

I know what you mean about the rain being relaxing - I like the sound of it too. The problem with rain is that my dog cannot be outside enjoying the backyard in the rain, and she tries to drive me crazy when she's stuck inside!

Talk soon, Haitch. I hope to run into in the chat room as well.