Holding my brealth for 20 years

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2022 2:31 pm

Holding my brealth for 20 years

Postby MindHalfFull » Mon May 02, 2022 2:22 am

The feeling of needing air to breathe without a health risk is what this feels like. I'm accomplishing all that is recommended and suggested for dealing with my diagnosis, and it is an amazing feat, certainly. My symptoms sometimes causes arguments with valuable people in my life and that is the most painful thing that happens. I'm surviving because they proved that I can. Now I have to survive with knowing my survival includes the pain I cause them.

The recommended and suggested thing to do is forgive myself and remember that their pain was an understood and accepted consequence they are willing to endure for the sake of my health and future. I'm doing a wonderful job in applying that attitude to this instance of causing their pain. The way this problem comes about is when I trust in my confidence to be relaxed and not micromanage what I express while in conversation. Similar to skateboarders getting "speed wobbles" going down steep streets. Once it starts, it becomes impossible to stop.

The goal: Practice preventing these speed wobbles by continuing to ride very steep hills. Speed wobbles will come despite the best of my efforts. Not only am I going to be hurt, I'll be hurting others. Despite the best of their efforts to accept this, the pain I'll cause is 100% in my control to mitigate. I cannot allow myself to quit life because it would harm my loved ones. I cannot allow myself to stay alive by not feel responsible for their pain.

The reality: I have to value myself more than the lives of all my loved ones or I'll suffer a consequence that is equal to me and all my loved ones loosing life combined. My shoulders are the size of one man. I don't know if I could withstand the burden that I'm extraordinarily fortunate to have.

I know this will likely go ignored and unread. For those who read it fully, I hope your appreciated interest can also be applied to those you are fortunate enough to be able to save.

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