here goes nothing i guess

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2022 2:52 am

here goes nothing i guess

Postby nightsfire » Sun Mar 27, 2022 4:12 am

i don't quite know where to begin so we will begin with this. sorry for bad grammar was never my strong suit in school

guess we will start here the start of my story.

had a friend of a friend *ONLINE* start gaming with me and my friend at the time. hanging out in voice chat being stupid just having fun, this goes on for a few weeks then he brings his wife on to hang with us shes also a gamer but kinda shy i guess.
well i am as always very welcoming to new people. she really did not click with anyone but me so why he worked we started gaming just her and i since she was not really a big fan of the rest of group and i could understand why they can be a bit well different putting it nicely.

months go by and we become very good friends. one day she tells me shes falling in love with me and i cannot deny the fact i have developed feelings for her as well but shes married to a friend of a friend so i kinda tell her yes i have feelings for her as well as for what the feelings are i am not sure. as i never really felt this way about anyone but *MY BRAIN kept saying shes married and its not right* well one day we are talking she says how shes unhappy with her husband since (so and so) happened he has become a alcoholic and does not show her love anymore and she wants out of the marriage. but she explains she has things she has to do before she can do a divorce. we start talking more and more and what i thought was falling more in love then things started to slowly change with her she went from being this kind caring loving person and making me feel ways i have never felt before to kinda idk. it was like she was mad alot we did stupid crap web cams ect ect whole new experience for me no not the webcam thing but the feeling this way i can count the girl friends i have had on both sets of fingers. i am at this moment 34 single have not dated in going on 14 years and a virgin. she lives over 1000 miles away from me. but i was willing to pack up everything and move to her. i would have gave her the world and i told her that.... well couple months go by we are having this secret relationship and she has become more and more hateful but i dealt with it because i loved her. well her husband finds out and well it did not go so well. at this point i have spiraled into a very deep depression as i find shes been playing games with me. she ends up braking it off and turned into a few days of fights and arguing followed by her blocking me and deep depression to follow. i should have blocked her as well but i did not as i did not feel the need to it was over i was debating hard about taking my life but i managed barely.

that was alittle over a year or so ago
few weeks ago i get a friend request from her. i dont accept it right away i think long and hard about it. and my heart over rules my brain on it so i accept friend request. she goes on to say she was sorry for everything and wanted to start fresh and tell me how much worse her marriage has gotten. she tells me how she had feelings for me. my heart has kinda felt empty since we broke it off and she blocked me it was nice to talk to her again she made me feel like i have never felt before. at this point it was cruel fate as i had just stopped taking all my meds do to bs with doctor.

(B.S with doctor) had a appointment got sick had to cancel. canceled before required time frame and with covid going on, so my doctor and i decide to do a tele med apt. well at this point the apt is at 10 am and i am in a night cycle sleep during day stay up all night but i set my alarm for 10 am wake up at 9:30 and wait for call around 11:30 rolls around still no call.... so i call them ask them why i did not get a call. they stated well our phone lines have been down all morning so no tele med calls. ok but i am talking to you now? hows the phone lines down if i am talking to you. well we need to make a new apt, ok well i need refills since at this point i have 2 days of meds left. ok so they set up a new apt 2 weeks from then give me refills enough to last the 2 weeks at this point the apt date is dec 21st well some how in my tired state i set my alarm for 10:00 PM not AM and my apt was at 10:30 am so i missed it. when i wake up and realize what happened i quickly call them to correct it and they said well you have missed 3 apt's so we cannot give you refills well. at this point i am out of meds i have missed 1 canceled one and they had problems on one. i have been on the meds for over 7 years *list of meds* (Seroquel 400mg Zoloft 200mg Lamictal 200mg Trazodone 100mg Atarax 25mg) they tell me no refills until i see her and her next opening is jan 6th i said you expect me to go over 2 weeks with out these meds after my body has formed a dependency on them?? and of coarse all they say is sorry but its the rules blah blah excuse excuse, marry Christmas to me. i say that because by the time Christmas comes around the withdraws make me wish i was dead. so come around dec 27th i decide i cant do this again so i say fine if i ant gonna have meds for over 2 weeks and cant do anything about it ill just not take them anymore. its been painful the rush of emotions random bouts of wanting to cry for no reason. yea its been wild. o and the depression. anyways back to the main story....

so back to the main story
so this girl re adds and unblocks me and the withdraws has my emotions in a tail spin but i am in a better place i have my own place i just bought.... well she adds me we start talking and i am very emotional at this point but like i said my heart won over my brain so we start talking again she seems more serious this time about leaving her husband and my brain keeps throwing up warnings but my heart keeps winning and my emotions went from being in a tail spin to being like idk intense i guess (kinda hard to explain) it was like the meds suppressed alot of feelings happiness,joy,love,sadness and so on, so with out the meds everything seemed to be extreme well we started talking again and the spark i felt the first time was still there like a dim candle burning in the back of my heart but flared into a huge wild bonfire well a few days goes by i get a call from my mother she found my dad unresponsive and he gets rushed to hospital *liver failure* and with covid the closest hospital that could take him was over 250 miles away normally the closest one for that would be like 60 miles but they have no rooms and so he gets air lifted not by helicopter but by plane and my mother goes with him. they dont know if he will make it or not at this point this has me torn up in side he is my step dad but he has treated me more like a son then i have ever been treated and i am super worried about him. well he lived thank god. but now my mother and him are stuck over 250 miles from home no car so i get to go get them. i hate driving so that was quite fun. but this whole time i am talking to this girl again and she starts doing the same thing to me then she goes to me she just wants to be friends nothing more... and i accept that. but then she keeps playing with my at this point extreme emotions and i have one friend i know in real life i hang with online he lives in georgia and i live in kansas so we cant hang in person anymore so we hang online and game. and he is the kind of laid back play about anything get along with about anyone kinda person. well she gets on around same time he does every night and so i am like ok well we can all 3 hang together since her and i are just *Friends* now and she wants nothing to do with it stating well i dont know him and blah blah and i am like well i ant going to blow him off and hang with you just you and i since we are just *FRIENDS* and que the jealousy and the out right treating me like crap getting pissed off because i wont blow him off to hang with her and only her and finally i get tired of it and tell her point blank look your the one that just wanted to be SO CALLED FRIENDS then she starts throwing stuff in my face. like everything is my fault and just idk its like a 180 with her so i finally get sick of it tell her point blank how its gonna be she gets even more mad and continues on everything's my fault and she never wants to talk to me so i finally get tired of it and block her. but now i am even more depressed and alone.

now we have today i am a very kind loving person that would give you the shirt off my back in the dead of winter. but find my self suffering from deep depression and cant seem to pull my self out of it i feel alone. no clue where or what to do i live in a small town of 300 people in the middle of no where no clue how or where to start dating. tried dating sites but that was a big failure and waste of money. seems alot of women on there are out for looks and money. i cant say i am ugly or not as i am me. and i ant rich so well theres that but i feel so alone now and the feelings are there with no where to go and no one to give to. i stare at my 9mm on my desk every night thinking it would make the pain go away. i think the only thing that has stopped me so far is my dogs they seem to be able to take the edge off the depression and suicidal thoughts but i dont know how much longer i can stand on the edge with out falling i just feel so alone.

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