it rained today and i put on the happy mask

[xn728]

i woke as usaal at 5am ish and felt the visitor tighten its grip so as not to let me rush out and escape ,as i lay trying to acess my feelings and putting on my mental arsnel to help me trough the day ,i heard a gentle niose ,something tapping on the window ,i felt a little rush of happiness ,i didnt have to look out ,it was raining ,and i love the rain ,it cleans the streets and the buildings .it feeds the trees and the grass and flowers. i got dressed and went out into the garden ,it was time to exercise the ferrets ,so they were with me to they rolled in the wet grass and did the dance ferrits only do when there happy i watched the rain drops in the bird bath they were fresh and clean ,they had fallen so far ,how many souls had they touched on the way down ,the memories and the thoughts of loved and lost witch fill the air all around us the rain slowly stopped but im not sad ,the water in the bird bath is still now but the starlings and blackbirds will bathe later and they soak up the love and memories and when the birds return to the air ,so will the memories of all those loved and lost ,man or beast ,and you can reach out pick one anytime you feel helpless and alone .the rain has gone now but i know it will return and i be feel happy again just for a short while ,it was a gift .i love the rain
xn728,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[Aurelia5]

You have me rapt. I suspect You and your Mind - you see, there are two of us in each of us - Me, and My Mind. My Mind often doesn't do what I want It to do. Sometimes My Mind gets Me out of trouble. Sometimes It gets Me in trouble. Personally, I am in a constant war, winning a battle here and there, but never really getting control. You sound like your enemy has at least 51% of you. You seem like you only need a little help from the proper source, now and then.

Am I even close?

[xn728]

i know what your thinking ,but i have seen a lot of phychirtrists over the 30 odd years and i think there stuck now /so i just have the appiontments just to make sure ,i havent blown myself away and /then they say any problems ring the crisis line /i take a high dose of litihum and dolusipin now and it keeps me going ,but yes my mind made me do bad things ,when i was young i was crazy /destroyed everything my mam and dad had by fire ,it took my life ,i had to flee,the fire destroyed the child i once was and made me the man i am now /i have a few storys in the main forum under deppresion /anxiety/ bi polar /it might be worth having a look ,i do have the devil inside .i live with depression now i dont fight anymore /im to old and tired /i will never get free i know this now /i believe the visitor has to stay with me till i die /if i had been succesful in commiting suicide all those years ago /it would have left my body as i let go of my last breath /and would have lept into another poor soul/so as long as i stay alive it has to stay and complete its mission ,so in a way its my prisoner /i hope i die a natheral death i need to look after my wife /my plan is as i die and the visitor (depression ) leaves my empty shell i shall reach out and hold it so tight it will not escape /it will have to come with me into the air with all the other life ,i will be all around and it will be with me and do what i want to do /and it wont like this and will be unhappy ,and i will think ,how does this feel you took my life /now you will live in my death /it hears me ,its with me now ,i curse it ,it shows no fear but it knows i,ll be waiting /it hurts so much to come here and read /so much pain ,i wish i could answer every story /i wish i could not look here anymore but i feel compeled ,,,,,,,,i didnt answer you did i really i just rambelled on ,depression took away our lives and souls /some more than others ,but it also gave us a gift /we reached out and found places like this ,and we make faceless friends in faraway places we can only dream about /we spin out of control and we must hold tight so we dont drift away and be lost forever /so hold tight and dont be afraid,,,,,,,,,,xn728

[razabashir]

You have me rapt. I suspect You and your Mind - you see, there are two of us in each of us - Me, and My Mind. My Mind often doesn't do what I want It to do. Sometimes My Mind gets Me out of trouble. Sometimes It gets Me in trouble. Personally, I am in a constant war, winning a battle here and there, but never really getting control. You sound like your enemy has at least 51% of you. You seem like you only need a little help from the proper source, now and then.